The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, my scalp prickles and I know he’s behind me.
“You all right, Kitten?” And that’s what does it. Every time, it’s that question. I can usually hang on until I’m alone. I can hold on long enough to give myself a chance to walk away on the bad days, the days when all I want to do is cry. Until someone asks if I’m okay. My shoulders must shake as I heave a silent sob. “Baby, what’s wrong? Whatever’s wrong?” He turns me around to face him and holds my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Talk to me, Kitten. What the fuck’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” His eyes dart all over my face.
“I’m so scared. I love you and I’m so scared. What if we can’t do this? What if we don’t make it? What then? What will I do?” He wraps his big, strong arms around me and pulls me in tightly to his chest. I can hear his heart pounding, big and strong and I just love the sound and the sensation of it against my cheek and my ear.
“Whatever’s brought this on, Kitten? We’ve got this. I’ve told you; we’ve got this, and if you haven’t yet, well, then I’ve got this enough for both of us.” We stand and sway gently from side to side for a few long minutes. Cam kisses my head and my hair. He gently strokes his fingertips up and down my back and gradually I calm myself down. I don’t know where all of that just came from, but I’m so grateful to Cam. He’s here with his strong arms, holding me together as I fall apart once again.
“What happened?” he asks eventually.
I shrug. “Just feeling a bit overwhelmed, I think.” He kisses my temple.
“Don’t be. We’ve got this.” I nod. “Come into the office with me. I want to show you something.” He takes my hand and we walk down the hallway towards the front door, but stop and turn left into a doorway I hadn’t noticed before. It leads to a large, spacious home office, much bigger than the other office. There’s a whole wall of flat screen monitors, which seem to be showing CCTV images from the various clubs Cam owns. The whole room is white: walls, desk, chair, bookcase and sofa, all white. I let go of his hand and head over to the big office chair. I push off with my toes, then pull my knees up to my chest as the chair twirls. I launch myself again and look up at the ceiling as everything spins. When I eventually feel sick and let the chair come to a halt, my eyes land on Cam. He’s wearing a plain white T-shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans; his feet are bare and it’s his bare feet that are suddenly making me squirm. Feet are probably the least sexy part of the body, but looking at his bare feet is just doing something to me. His arms and legs are crossed as he leans against his desk beside me.
“Are you finished?” I nod. “Good.” He moves over to the chair and moves me so he can sit in it, then he pulls me down so I’m sitting between his open legs. He moves the mouse around on the desk and the computer screen comes to life. Houses. He’s been in here looking at houses. “Any of these you fancy taking a closer look at, Kitten?” I turn and look at him,
“Cam…”
He shakes his head. “It’s not up for discussion. We’re buying a house. I bought this place purely for the convenience, but it’s not a home. A home is what me and you are gonna make.” He pulls me so I’m sitting across his lap. “We’re gonna buy one of these and turn it into our home, together.” He kisses me gently on the mouth. “These are all close to your mum and dad. I assumed that’s where you’d want to be, but we can look elsewhere if you prefer?” His eyes look from the screen to my face. I don’t know what to say, how to answer. “I love the fuck out of ya, Kitten. This is happening. I’m not waiting. You need to get your head around that.” He strokes his fingers up and down my arm. “Would you like stables? I know you had horses before.”
I suddenly feel hot and panicky, short of breath and dizzy. This is too much. It’s too much and it’s too soon. I did this with Sean. It was only two years ago that I was moving into a new house with Sean. Cam’s house. Just two years ago, I moved into a house that Cam bought for me that I ended up moving into with my husband. Now my husband’s dead and here I am, looking to buy a new home, start a new life with Cam. My life is a seriously fucked-up mess and it’s all of my own doing.
He gently brushes his knuckles over my cheek as I look up at him. “Stop, Kitten. Stop overthinking and stop panicking. I can feel how hard your heart’s pounding. I know what you’re thinking and you need to stop.” I open my mouth but no words come out.