I desperately want to believe that, but when Luca’s face comes to mind again, I know it’s not true.
My jaw clenches when Theo lifts himself over me, settling between my legs. Thankfully, he still has on a pair of sweatpants. His fingers brush against my opening, and I force myself to relax against the pillow. Before I have time to prepare, he thrusts his fingers inside. I’m not used to the intrusion, so it hurts. I grab his wrist again, trying to push his hand away. He doesn’t let me, but he doesn’t push his fingers in deeper either.
“Shh… I’m sorry,” he murmurs, lightly kissing along my jaw. “I’ll be more gentle. I just got too excited. Please, Jules. Let me do this.”
My fingers tighten on his wrist, before I release it. Tears brim in my eyes at the pain of his forceful invasion of my body, but I try to relax.
His fingers move slowly in and out of me. I’m dry, which makes the action even worse. When his thumb moves over my clit, I feel a little tingle, and hope rushes through me. Maybe my memory loss of losing my virginity to him is preventing me from enjoying what’s going on, because I haven’t had time to form a bond with him. Maybe my body just needs to warm up.
His movements become quicker, and the tingle I felt moments ago is gone. Panic starts to set in.
No! No! No! This isn’t right! my mind screams.
“Theo—” I start, but he slants his lips over mine, forestalling my efforts to stop him.
His fingers become rougher as he thrusts another inside me. It burns so much that I try to cry out, but with Theo’s mouth over mine it makes it come out as a whimper. I attempt to turn my head away, but he’s putting too much pressure against my lips to do so. The stinging becomes worse, and I swear it feels like he’s shoving his whole hand in me.
I grab his wrist, but he overpowers my efforts to push his hand away by forcefully jamming his fingers into me harder. I thrash my legs, trying to get my feet up to his hips to shove him from me, but again, he’s too strong.
Terror slams into me when his fingers pull away, and I feel him fumbling with his sweatpants. The tip of his dick touches my entrance, and I double my efforts to get him to stop. I manage to bite his tongue, and he hisses and rears back.
“Please, Theo,” I cry. “It hurts. You promised we wouldn’t go all the way.”
His chest is heaving, and his eyes look wild as he stares down at me. I hold my breath, hoping he comes to his senses and realizes what he’s doing is wrong.
After a moment, he mutters bitterly, “Sorry. I was going to stop.”
I don’t know what to say, because what he was doing is not okay. He doesn’t even sound very apologetic. And I have no doubt he wouldn’t have stopped. He was too far gone in his head. His need was ruling him.
His head drops to my shoulder and his hot breath fans against my flesh, sending revulsion through me. My legs are still wide open with him between them, and I wish he would move.
I’m both shocked and disgusted when he shifts his hips and his shaft comes into contact with my nether lips.
His groan sounds pained. “God, Jules. I need to come so bad. Just let me rub my dick against your pussy. I promise I won’t push in.”
I gasp and shove against his shoulders, digging my heels into the mattress and heaving myself up the bed. His head is forced to lift from my neck.
“You’re fucking sick, Theo!” I shout at him. “You almost raped me, and now you’re asking if you can get off by rubbing your dick against me? What in the hell is wrong with you?”
His brows slash down and the scowl on his face should frighten me, but I’m beyond that at the moment. I can’t believe he would ask me that after what he did.
I scramble back until I’m against the headboard. Pulling my knees to my chest, I wrap my arms around my legs, hugging them tight.
“I wasn’t going to rape you,” he says heatedly, getting to his knees. His dick is still hanging out of his sweatpants. He’s hard. I jerk my eyes back to his, unable to stomach the sight of it. “I told you I was going to stop.”
“It’s kind of hard for me to believe that when you were shoving your fingers inside me, and I tried begging you to stop. That hurt, Theo.”
He pushes himself back inside in pants and gets up from the bed. Angrily, he swipes his hair back from his face. “It sure didn’t sound like it hurt when you were moaning in my mouth.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep back from screaming at him. Tears sting my eyes as I remember the pain from his touch and the terror of thinking he wouldn’t stop.
My voice breaks when I speak again. “I wasn’t moaning because it felt good. I was whimpering because of the pain, you asshole.”
For the first time, there’s a hint of remorse on his face. His eyes drop away from mine and he turns away, giving me his back. His shoulders rise and fall as he stands there for several seconds. When he turns back, the pain in his eyes is stark.
“I’m sorry.”
This time I believe him, but it still doesn’t make it okay. Instead of answering his apology, I accept it with a nod. His gaze runs over my huddled form against the headboard before he bends to grab a shirt from the floor.
“I’m going out. I’ll be back later.”
I don’t bother to ask where he’s going, not really caring. I just want to be left alone. A moment later, he leaves the bedroom, leaving the door open so the light from the hallway filters in. It’s not until I hear the front door open and close that I breathe easily again.
When I squeeze my eyes closed, tears slip from the corners and slide down my cheeks, splashing on my raised knees. I open my eyes, and something catches my attention. Bile rises in my throat when I realize it’s blood.
I scramble from the bed, suddenly feeling dirty and used. Rushing to the bathroom, I turn on the shower and quickly get undressed. The water hasn’t warmed yet when I step behind the flimsy plastic curtain, but the cold doesn’t register. I just need the filth washed away.
Grabbing the wash cloth, I squirt on a bunch of body wash, squish the material until there’s a good lather, and scrub at my skin. I start with between my legs and wince at the soreness. When I see the soapy water running down my legs has a red tint, I gag. I close my eyes and finish washing myself, tears falling to mix with the water.
I don’t know how long I scrub between my legs, but I do it so much that the pain becomes unbearable. I finish washing the rest of my body, then sag back against the shower wall, then sink down to the floor, dropping the rag beside me. I stay there until the water turns cold, and I’m forced to get out.
Grabbing the towel off the rack by the shower, I dry off, then stand in front of the mirror. My eyes immediately move to the raw skin on my upper thighs where I tried washing away the feeling of Theo between them. I quickly advert my gaze, not wanting to believe he would have actually raped me, but knowing deep inside he would have, had I not bitten his lip. Despair has me sucking in a breath when I realize I’m stuck here. With my parents still not answering my phone calls and having no money, I have nowhere to go. I don’t know what to do.
Luca’s face enters my mind again, but then I remember I can’t ask him for help. Not after what I learned about him.
Putting that aside for the moment, my eyes travel to the tattoo on my side. I don’t remember getting it. I had always wanted one, but never thought I would be brave enough to go through with it. Turning to the side to get a better look, I notice the artwork is really beautiful. It’s a heart, one side black and the other side purple. It’s stitched up the middle. The top half of the heart seems to be old with cracks, but further down the heart, the cracks seem to mend and become new again.