I looked at him gratefully.
‘All I’m saying is, don’t get too precious. They’re hardy little things and don’t want for much. If she cries, leave her for a bit. You’ll be making a rod for your own back if you go rushing to feed her every time.’
I looked at my watch. Pammie hadn’t even been here for fifteen minutes.
Later, after forced conversation, while eating Adam’s chicken pasta, I made my excuses and went to bed, taking Poppy with me. The last thing I heard as I shut the door to my sanctuary was Pammie’s voice saying, ‘She’s not eating enough. She needs all her nutrients for the baby.’
Adam still wasn’t in bed when Poppy woke up for her midnight feed, but I thought I could hear the TV on in the lounge. I vaguely remembered him coming in later, but I wasn’t sure what time it was. I wasn’t even sure what day it was, as they all seemed to merge into one. If Poppy slept, then I slept, and all was still quiet when I woke at 6 a.m. My first thought was, Yes! She’s slept for over five hours. My second was, Shit, is she still breathing?
I leant over into her moses basket and saw her pink blanket and muslin square. I listened in the half-light for her snuffles, but the only sound was the early morning tweets of the birds. I tried to adjust my eyes, rubbing at them when the focus was still blurry. I could see the blanket and muslin, but they looked flat, as if they were lying on the mattress, without a baby in between. I sat bolt upright and thrust my hand into the cot, but it was cold and unmoving.
I ran to the light switch by the door, my legs buckling beneath me as adrenaline took hold.
‘What the—?’ cried Adam, as the room was illuminated.
I gasped as I reached the empty basket. ‘The baby. Where’s the baby?’
‘What?’ said Adam, still confused and dazed.
‘She’s not here. Poppy’s not here.’ I was sobbing and screaming in equal measure, as we collided into each other in our effort to get out of the bedroom door. ‘Pammie! Poppy!’
‘Mum?’ shouted Adam as he jumped down to the mezzanine and into the spare room. I could see from where I stood at the top of the landing that the curtains had been pulled back and the bed was made and empty.
I sank to the floor. ‘She’s taken the baby,’ I cried.
Adam rushed past me into the living room and kitchen, but I knew she wasn’t there. I could sense it.
‘She’s taken the baby,’ I cried again and again.
Adam came to me and pulled me up to my feet, gripping hold of my arms tightly. ‘Pull yourself together,’ he snapped.
I wished he would just slap me to put me out of my misery. So that I could wake up when the nightmare was over, with Poppy safely back in my arms.
‘The bitch,’ I screamed. ‘I knew she’d do this. This is what she’s been planning all along.’
‘For God’s sake, get a grip,’ said Adam.
‘I told you. I told you she was a psycho. You wouldn’t believe me, but I was right, wasn’t I?’
‘You need to calm down and watch what you’re saying,’ he said. ‘I’m warning you.’
He called Pammie’s phone, but it just rang off.
‘Call the police,’ I said hoarsely. ‘Call the goddamn police right now.’
‘Listen to yourself,’ he yelled. ‘We’re not calling the police. Our daughter has gone out with her grandmother. It’s not a crime.’
I sat on the sofa, sobbing hysterically, my breasts seeping milk through my nightie.
‘She’s going to do something crazy, I know she is. You don’t know what she’s capable of. I swear to God, if she’s hurt Poppy, I’ll kill her.’
Every pent-up emotion rose to the surface: the hate, the hurt, but mostly the fear. The fear that I’ve carried around with me ever since I found out what she’d done to Rebecca. There was no one in the world who I hated more, and no one in the world who I was more scared of.
‘You need to find her, Adam, I swear to God.’
‘Who are you threatening?’ Adam hissed, his face close to mine. ‘I’m not even going to listen to your psychotic ramblings until you calm down.’
I watched helplessly as he pulled on jeans and a t-shirt. ‘Where are you going?’ I said.
‘Well, she couldn’t have gone far, could she? You’ll probably find she’s taken her for a walk. Wouldn’t that be something, eh?’
‘She’s done this on purpose,’ I yelled after him, as he took the stairs two at a time. ‘I hope you’re happy. You and your fucked-up family.’
I paced the flat as I waited for Adam to call, the longer he was gone, the more I was convinced that she’d done something. All I kept seeing was Pammie cradling Poppy, telling her it was going to be all right, all the time knowing it wasn’t. Adam’s mobile went straight to voicemail and I threw the phone against the wall, screaming in frustration.
‘Where are you?’ I howled, falling to my knees. I curled myself up into a ball and lay on the carpet. I couldn’t imagine being in greater pain.
I don’t know how much time had passed when my mobile rang and I scrambled to reach it, its screen now smashed into smithereens. ‘Is she okay? Have you got her?’ I asked. I held my breath as I waited for the reply.
‘Of course I’ve got her,’ said Pammie, after a long pause.
I sat up, my heart beating twice as fast as it should have been. I’d expected to hear Adam’s voice and the air felt like it was being sucked out of me.
‘Bring her back,’ I said between gritted teeth. ‘Bring her back right now.’
Pammie laughed lightly. ‘Or what?’
‘Or I’ll fucking kill you,’ I said. ‘You’ve got three minutes to get back here with my baby or I’m calling the police, and you’d better hope that they get to you before I do.’
‘Goodness me,’ she cooed. ‘I don’t understand why you’re getting so stressed. Did you not get the text I sent you earlier?’
‘What text?’ I yelled.
‘Hold on,’ she said. I heard my phone ping. ‘That one.’
I looked at the shattered screen and could just make out the words: Didn’t want to wake you. Poppy awake, so I’m going to take her to Greenwich Park. Leave you to have a lie-in. Love Pammie x
‘You’ve only just sent this,’ I hissed.
‘No dear, I sent it about an hour ago, before I even left the flat. I didn’t want you to get all worked up. Perhaps it didn’t go through straight away.’
I stared at the phone blankly. I had no words.
‘Anyways, we’re on our way back now, so should be with you within ten minutes. Am sure she’ll be hungry by then.’
The line went dead, and I hugged my knees, rocking back and forth, wondering if I was going mad.
A little while later, I heard Adam thumping up the stairs. I had no idea whether ten minutes or ten hours had passed. ‘There’s no sign of them, but I’m sure there’s a valid reason.’
He looked at me on the floor, soaked in milk, tears, and insanity. ‘They’re coming home,’ I said quietly.
I watched his shoulders relax, the tension ebb out of him, proving he wasn’t as nonchalant as he seemed. ‘Where are they?’ he asked breathlessly.
‘In Greenwich Park. It appears Pammie was doing us a favour.’ I gave a soulless laugh. ‘Who knew that your mother could be so considerate? To take our baby from beside our bed and disappear.’
‘I think you’ve said enough,’ he barked. ‘Go and get yourself cleaned up.’
‘Take control,’ is what I said to myself repeatedly, as I splashed cold water onto my puffy face. But by the time I was dabbing myself dry, I was already crying again. Who was I kidding? I didn’t have the control – she did, as she always did. I buried my face in the towel one more time, willing myself to summon the courage I needed. ‘Enough, Emily,’ I said out loud. ‘No more.’
I heard Poppy’s cry before I saw her, and rushed down the stairs towards the sound. Pammie was standing there, without a care in the world, with Poppy on her shoulder. ‘I think this missy wants feeding,’ she said, a hint of a smile on her lips.
‘Get out of my house,’ I hissed.
‘Excuse me?’ she said, before immediately dissolving into loud sobs.