‘Cool,’ she said, before picking up the bottom of her train and gliding off.
I looked around for Adam. It was getting late and I needed to get Poppy to bed. We’d booked a room in the hotel, just across the courtyard, but we’d barely managed to live together in the flat for the past fortnight, so I didn’t imagine that sharing a room was going to be much fun.
‘You looking for Adam?’ asked James, coming over to me.
‘Yes,’ I said bluntly.
‘The last time I saw him, he was heading outside,’ he said. ‘Probably to have a cigarette.’
I stopped in my tracks and looked at him as if he was stupid. ‘Funny, I didn’t know he smoked.’
‘There’s a lot you don’t know about him,’ he said, under his breath.
Ignoring him, I walked to the patio doors, towards the garden, but could feel him still behind me. It was dark outside and I pulled Poppy’s blanket tighter around her. The days were warm for April, but the evenings were still chilly.
There was a gaggle of revellers smoking to the left, the grounds beyond them gently lit, but Adam wasn’t there. I turned to go right, past the gargoyles at the top of the steps, and headed towards the darkness, when James pulled at my arm. ‘Why don’t you come back in? It’s cold out here.’
I shrugged him off and blindly carried on walking. I needed to create as much space between me and him as I could. I saw the entrance to the hedged maze which earlier had seen visitors pay a small fortune to enter. I didn’t know where I was going much beyond that. I could feel tears welling up, and I hugged Poppy closer in the vain hope that she’d hide them.
‘Will you just wait a minute?’ he called after me.
I turned to face him. ‘Please, James—’
I think he heard the laughter coming from within the box-hedge walls of the maze before me.
‘Look, Em, why don’t we go back inside,’ he said quietly. ‘It’s too cold out here for Poppy.’
I looked at her sleeping soundly in my arms and knew he was probably right, but I couldn’t tear myself away from the sound.
‘Ssh!’ squealed a female voice. ‘I’ve lost a shoe.’
There was more laughing.
‘Got it, got it,’ she said drunkenly.
‘Make sure you look decent,’ said a man’s voice. ‘Can’t have you going back out there with your knickers round your ankles.’
Everything seemed to go in slow motion. I felt myself falling and instinctively curled myself over Poppy to protect her. I could see flashes of colour and light as I sank further into what felt like a turning kaleidoscope. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and imagined a cover over my ears, stopping me from hearing what I knew I’d just heard. I willed my brain to scramble the words so I was unable to decipher them, change the voice to one I didn’t know. I was still falling, bracing myself for the bottom, but it never came. I opened my eyes and saw James peering down at me, his arms enveloping me and Poppy.
‘Let’s get you back inside,’ he said.
‘No,’ I said breathlessly. ‘I want to wait here. See his face.’
‘Please, Em,’ he went on. ‘You don’t need to do this. Please come back inside.’
‘Don’t you dare tell me what I do and don’t need,’ I cried. He went to put his arm around me, but I shrugged it off.
It may have been the darkness or his drunken state, but it took a while for Adam to register that it was me when he emerged from the maze. I felt numb as I watched his brain work it out.
‘Em?’ he slurred. He turned to look at his dishevelled companion, her hair on end, and her bra straps hanging halfway down her arms. I recognized her as one of the congregation from earlier in the day. But then her mink satin dress and fancy up-do had looked classy. Now, the material was ruched up around her hips, and her lipstick was smeared all over her face.
‘What are you doing out here? Poppy will catch her death of cold.’
If I hadn’t been holding her in my arms, I would have swung for him. ‘How sweet,’ I said, icily. ‘So considerate.’
‘Hi,’ said the woman beside him, lurching forward with an outward hand. ‘I’m—’
‘Knock it off,’ spat Adam at her.
‘No, it’s okay,’ I said. ‘Why don’t you introduce me to your friend?’
‘Leave it, Em,’ said Adam.
‘Introduce me to your fucking friend,’ I hissed.
‘Er . . . this is . . . this is . . .’
‘Oh, don’t tell me . . .’ she slurred. ‘This is your wife and kid.’ She laughed to herself. ‘Wouldn’t that be something, eh?’
I remained silent.
‘Oh, Christ, really?’ she said, the obvious suddenly dawning on her.
‘I’m afraid so,’ I said tightly.
‘Sorry,’ she managed before stumbling away. I watched numbly as she headed back to the hotel, zigzagging across the lawn.
‘Do all your women need to be in that state?’ I asked coldly.
‘Em, let’s get you back inside,’ said James, holding onto my elbow and trying to steer me away. I held firm.
‘Believe it or not, some sober women do actually want to fuck me as well. Unlike my fiancée.’ He put the last word in inverted commas with his fingers.
‘Okay, that’s enough, Adam,’ interjected James. ‘Emily, let’s go.’
I shrugged him off. ‘So, there’s more than one?’
Adam laughed. ‘What did you think was going to happen? You haven’t let me near you for months. What do you think I am, a monk?’
‘Go fuck yourself,’ I cried.
‘Gladly,’ he called out, as I turned my back to him.
‘I’m so sorry you had to see that,’ said James.
‘Would you mind calling me a cab, please?’ I said numbly. ‘I’d like to take Poppy home.’
43
Pippa was my rock for the next five days, whilst I processed what Adam had done and what it meant. I used to scorn women who’d found out their partners were cheating and said things like, ‘I just didn’t see it coming. It was so out of character.’
I’d pitied them for not seeing what was clearly in front of their eyes. Yet here I am, thinking the very same thing. I couldn’t even begin to compute it. We’d had a tough time recently, what with Pammie and the baby, but I didn’t think we’d reached the stage where he’d happily risk throwing everything away.
‘What are you going to do?’ Pippa asked for the umpteenth time. ‘What do you want to do?’
‘What I want to do and what I should do are two entirely different things,’ I said.
She knew what I meant. We’d had enough ‘what would you do if your boyfriend strayed?’ conversations to last us a lifetime. Except, when you thought he wouldn’t, it was a whole lot easier to take the moral high ground, and declare that if he ever did, that would be it; you’d be out of there. Yet now, in the mire of it all, having loved that person and believing I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, suddenly things aren’t quite so clear-cut.
‘It wasn’t what he did, it was how he did it,’ I said.
‘Does it make a difference?’ Pippa asked. ‘A cheat’s a cheat.’
‘It was the way he spoke to me, the way he alluded to there being more. Lots more. Why would he feel the need to hurt me like that?’
‘Er, because he’s a first-class tosser?’
‘How could this have happened to me again?’ I cried. ‘What a fool I’ve been.’
Pippa put a reassuring hand on my back. ‘It’s not you who’s the fool,’ she said. ‘If he can’t see what he stands to lose . . .’
‘So where do I go from here?’ I asked.
‘Do you love him?’
‘Of course I do, but I’m not prepared to take this lying down. If he’s coming back, it’s going to be on my terms.’
‘You can’t take him back,’ she cried. ‘You just can’t.’
‘But I’ve got Poppy to think about,’ I said. ‘It’s not just me I need to think about anymore. She needs a dad.’
‘Em, I think if we’re being honest with ourselves, he’s probably been doing this for a long time,’ she said.
I nodded knowingly. I knew she was right, but I didn’t want to believe it. I thought about all his ‘Thursday nights out’ with the boys in the City.