‘When was that arranged, then?’ I asked.
He tutted. ‘Just in the last day or so. Mike suggested a drink, and all the others have just latched on to it. It’s a rite of passage.’
I was well aware of the tradition, so why he was trying to justify it to himself, heaven only knows. I could feel my hackles going up, not because he was going out, but because he was being so defensive about it. He felt guilty, yet he was trying to turn it on me, making me out to be the bad guy.
‘Okay, cool,’ I said indifferently. ‘Try not to be too long though, as I could use some help getting the place ready for your mum.’
When he wasn’t home by midnight, I didn’t think it was unreasonable to give him a call. Poppy wasn’t settling and, in between feeding, rocking and bathing, I was struggling to get anything else done.
‘I’ll call you back,’ I heard him slur, when he answered on the fourth ring. There was a lot of background noise, chattering, clinking of glasses, and loud music.
‘Adam?’ The line went dead.
Ten minutes later, he still hadn’t, so I rang him again.
‘Yep,’ was all he could offer when he picked up. It sounded quieter now, and I could hear his breath cutting out, as if he was drawing on something and then exhaling.
‘Adam?’
‘Yes,’ he said, sounding impatient, as if he had somewhere he had to be. ‘What is it?’
I fought to stay calm, even though Poppy was screaming her head off, and my new mummy brain was struggling to keep everything in perspective. ‘Just wondering how much longer you’re going to be,’ I said.
‘Why? Am I missing something?’
I forced myself to breathe deeply. ‘No, I just wanted to know whether I should go to bed.’
‘Well, are you tired?’ I could tell from his tone that he was trying to be facetious.
‘Yes, I’m shattered.’
‘So, what are you waiting for?’
‘Forget it,’ I said, my patience running out. ‘You do what the hell you like.’
‘Thank you, I will,’ I heard him say before I put the phone down.
I could’ve ranted and raved, but he was too drunk to care, and it would only have made me upset. He could stay out as long as he liked, if he was just going to be a pain in the arse. He’d only be a hindrance if he was drunk, and I had enough on my plate with worrying about Pammie’s impending arrival.
Crazily, my instinct, once I finally got Poppy down, was to run around the flat, making sure everything was just so before she arrived. I didn’t want her to have any excuse to goad me, to tell me what I wasn’t doing right, and everything I was doing wrong. But the tug on my stitches, as I struggled to get the cover on the duvet for the spare room, had me asking what I was doing it all for. She didn’t need a reason to belittle and undermine me. If she didn’t have one, she’d just make one up.
Adam got home just after three o’clock in the morning and made such a racket that he woke Poppy up, who then cried solidly until her next feed.
‘Thanks a lot,’ I spat, as I rocked her back and forth, pacing the bedroom. He belched, grunted, and rolled onto his back.
I didn’t see him for another eight hours, when he got up, took two Alka-Seltzers, said, ‘I feel like shit,’ and went back to bed again. I can’t pretend I didn’t feel the tiniest sliver of satisfaction as I followed him into the bedroom, threw the curtains open, and said, ‘Wakey, wakey. You’ve got to go and get your mother.’ He let out the loudest groan, and just at that moment, I fancied he was dreading her visit even more than I was.
By the time he arrived back with her, the flat was spotless, Poppy was asleep in the nook of my elbow, and there was a fresh pot of coffee on. I felt like a smug superwoman as I sat in the armchair, awaiting my nemesis, with a triangular maternity pillow stuffed under my aching arm.
‘Oh, you clever girl,’ Pammie said as she came into the front room. ‘Didn’t you do well?’
She didn’t bother to kiss me, preferring instead to fixate on Poppy. ‘What a beauty,’ she cooed. ‘She looks just like you, Adam.’
‘You think?’ he said proudly, his voice still gravelly.
He took her from me and laid her in Pammie’s arms. Every part of me tingled, urging me to snatch her back again. She walked off around the room, her back to me as she looked out of the window and onto the street below. I paced like a lioness, unable to take my eyes off them. Pammie was whispering and bobbing up and down, but I couldn’t see Poppy. I knew she was there, of course she was, I just needed to see her, hold her.
‘I’ll take her now,’ I said, going up to them. ‘She needs changing.’
‘I’ve only just got her!’ Pammie laughed. ‘And what’s a dirty nappy between a nan and her granddaughter?’ She looked down at Poppy, as if she was expecting her to answer. ‘I can’t even smell anything anyways, and I’m sure I can manage to change her nappy if she needs it.’
I looked to Adam, pleading with my eyes to get my baby back, but he just turned away from me. ‘Anyone fancy a cuppa?’ he asked.
‘I’ll have one, son,’ said Pammie. ‘Are you feeding her yourself?’ she asked me.
‘Yes,’ I replied.
‘If you want to express some milk, I’d be more than happy to do the night feed tonight if you like. To give you a break.’
I shook my head. ‘That won’t be necessary.’
‘Well, maybe I can take her out in the pram for a walk? Give you and Adam some time alone? I remember how hard it was for Jim and me once the boys came along. Everything changes, and you have to work twice as hard to make it work.’
I smiled tightly.
‘Oh, I bought Poppy a little something, hope you don’t mind.’
‘Why would I mind?’ I asked wearily.
‘Well, some mums get a bit precious, don’t they? About what they want the baby to wear and how they want the baby to look.’
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘But I had to get this when I saw it, because it made me laugh so much.’
She handed me a carrier bag and watched as I pulled out a tiny white sleepsuit. ‘That’s lovely,’ I forced myself to say. ‘Thank you.’
‘Wait, you haven’t seen it yet,’ she said. ‘Look what it says on the front.’
I turned it over and held it up. If Mummy says no, I just ask Grandma was emblazoned across the chest. I flinched. ‘Isn’t that the cutest thing?’ Pammie laughed.
She may as well have bought a dog tag with Return to Grandma if found.
‘Look at what your mum bought for Poppy,’ I said to Adam, holding it up, facing him. ‘Isn’t it the cutest thing?’ I hoped my sarcasm wasn’t lost on her.
Adam smiled at me.
‘I’ll take her while you have your tea,’ I said, going towards Pammie.
She laughed. ‘I’ve had two babies myself, don’t forget, and I still managed to drink a cup of tea. I can do two things at once, you know.’
Adam laughed along with her, at me. I held my breath as she lifted the cup of hot liquid up to her lips, silently pleading with her not to spill it.
As soon as Poppy started to cry, I was up out of my chair and looming over Pammie, willing her to hand her back to me. Instead, she stuck her finger into Poppy’s mouth. ‘Goodness me, Emily, you’re like a cat on a hot tin roof. She’s fine, look, see?’
‘I’d prefer it if you didn’t do that,’ I said, as calmly as I could, whilst my insides bubbled furiously.
‘Just because she cries doesn’t mean she’s hungry,’ she said. ‘Sometimes she just wants comforting, and if this soothes her, then that can’t be a bad thing, can it?’
‘I don’t want her relying on a comforter,’ I said quietly. ‘It’s also not very hygienic.’
‘Honestly, it’s madness these days,’ she said. ‘You’re told to buy expensive sterilizing equipment and all these fancy mod cons, but in our day, it was a Milton tablet and some boiled water if you were lucky. If a dummy fell onto the floor, you just picked it up, stuck it in your own mouth, and gave it straight back to the baby. And look at my two boys now. It’s not done them any harm, has it?’
‘We’re new to this game, Mum,’ said Adam, finally sticking up for me. ‘It’s all trial and error to see what works and what doesn’t.’