And that was the best gift she could give me because for the first time, I was free from worry. Free from the weight of responsibility and concern for her future and mine.
“Ren?” Della cocked her head, her hands glittering in scales as she rasped the silver fish I’d caught.
I put down the snare I was making to catch dinner, giving her my undivided attention. Her hair was lighter from living outdoors, bordering white gold instead of sunshine. The blue of her ribbon peeked between the glossy strands, dangling a little over her shoulder.
“Yeah?”
“I know we agreed not to discuss it again, but…it’s all I can think about.”
I groaned, leaning heavily against the sapling I’d chosen to sit by. “Della, you know why I can’t—”
“It’s not enough. It doesn’t feel complete.”
I wouldn’t admit that I felt the same way. That whenever I was inside her, I hated, hated having to pull out before I came. We’d gone through her box of condoms—the box I’d bought her and probably close to their expiry date—within the first few days of sleeping together.
Once they’d run out, we had no other alternative. To start with, I’d adamantly swore I wouldn’t touch her again until we had more. That had blown into a massive argument where she threw logic in my face and made me agree that since I’d never had unprotected sex before her and she hadn’t either—we were safe in that respect. However, I wasn’t just worried about that.
I didn’t want to hurt her, and I knew what would happen if we continued sleeping together with no protection.
She’d get pregnant.
And as much as I loved her, she was far too young to be shackled with a kid—I should know after dedicating my life to a child I hadn’t planned—and far too na?ve to think it wouldn’t happen.
And out here? If she got pregnant, so many things could go wrong. Even if we headed back into town, we had no insurance or money to pay for hospital stays and baby check-ups, and I refused to put her in danger when it was avoidable.
“You got your wish. We’re still having regular sex. It doesn’t matter if I come on your stomach or inside you, it still feels incredible.” I lowered my voice, giving her a dark smile. “Believe me, Della, that first time I felt you without anything between us, it took everything I could not to come that very second.”
She huffed, not buying my attempt to redirect the conversation. “It doesn’t feel complete, and I struggle to come, knowing you can’t finish with me.” She brushed away a tumbled curl with the back of her hand, decorating her forehead with a fish scale.
Seeing her in a stretched sweater hanging over her shoulder, jeans with holes and frays, and dirt beneath her nails with mess upon her face made me hard.
So damn hard.
I loved how wild she was. How the last name she’d baptised us with matched us perfectly. And because she was wild, she wanted our sex to be wild.
Three weeks ago, she’d crawled onto my lap while I was turning a spit-roast of rabbit and undone my shorts before I could stop her.
She’d been naked under one of my t-shirts, and it only took a second for her to squeeze me, jerk me, and make me hard enough to slip inside her. I’d become her prisoner the second I felt her wet heat, allowing her to take from me until…she stood as suddenly as she’d sat on me, her eyes harsh and dangerous.
It had been the night after our fight about the condoms, and she still hadn’t forgiven me for not giving in.
Well, she won. And she won again when she looked me in the eye, then dashed away, barefoot and hair free, disappearing into the woods.
I wasn’t responsible for what I did next. I wasn’t myself as I tossed good meat into the cinders, clutched my open shorts to keep them on, and took off after her.
So many times we’d played chase when she was little. So many times I’d run after her when she was angry or cheeky or pissed, and because of those games, I knew how to play this one.
I knew how to track her. Knew the weaves and ducks she favoured. Never staying in a straight line, she used the undergrowth to hide her.
The small hitches of her breath and snaps of bracken as she navigated the gloom led me directly to her.
She didn’t see me until it was too late.
And when I did…my behaviour was abominable.
Pushing her to the ground, I let out a savage groan as she landed on all fours, then, because she insisted on fighting me like an animal, I fucked her like an animal.
I speared into her from behind—just like all the farmyard creatures did—and the scream she made? Holy shit, I lasted mere seconds.
I thrust savagely until her entire body rippled with her release, and then I pulled out, fisting myself hard as I came all over her back.
The shame that crashed over me was entirely new. It wasn’t about taking more than I deserved but going too far—for letting her push me until I snapped and only thought of myself. For getting so caught up in whatever war we’d been fighting that I’d hurt her.
But of course, Della hadn’t let me stew, and once we returned to our camp in stony silence, she’d climbed my body and kissed me deep, murmuring that having me behind her, driving into her like a monster had been the best experience thus far.
I hated to admit that I’d fucking loved it too, and unfortunately for both of us, we became hooked on pushing our limits. Of using trees to stand against and rocks to bend over and riverbanks to writhe on. Nothing was safe from our insatiable love, and even now, the minor scratches from this morning’s lovemaking still glowed on her palms from where I’d shoved her to her knees after she’d returned from washing in the river.
She made me a terrible person, but she also freed me in ways no one else could.
Sighing, I shrugged. “What do you want me to do? Get you pregnant?”
She froze. “Is that what you’re afraid of?”
Why did this conversation sound eerily like the one I’d had with Cassie the night I lost my virginity?
Putting the snare down, I hoisted my ass up and went to her. Brushing away the fish scale on her forehead, I sat down and murmured, “I’m not afraid of it. I’m afraid of losing you to something that’s full of complications and pain.”
Her eyes searched mine, deep and almost wary. “I know it’s early days, but we’ve never actually discussed our future.”
“Our future now that we’re together?”
She nodded shyly, looking back at the fish in her hands. “I know it’s technically only been a month, but it’s been so much longer than that. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been yours for eighteen years. But I never thought about having children until the exact moment you said you were afraid of it.”
I clasped my hands between my knees, very aware how dangerous this subject could be. Before my dreams came true and I earned Della, I was adamant I didn’t want any more kids. It’d taken a lot out of me to raise her right and fix all the things I did wrong. I wasn’t exactly the best father figure for her. Look at us. We’d fallen in love despite everything telling us not to.
But in that moment, sitting beside her on a dead tree with the smell of smoke swirling around us and the sounds of happy birds serenading us, I had a flash of what life could be like if Della gave birth to my child.
Of another girl.
A girl who would once again own me completely, make me stress, make me proud, give me purpose—a legacy I could utterly adore. A legacy of both me and Della—a little girl who had her blue eyes and my dark hair and our cynicism of society.
And I wanted that.
Very much.
Just…not right now.
Tipping her chin up with my forefinger, I kissed her gently. A simple press of lips and love, not asking anything more than a quick connection. “I’m not afraid of it, Della. But I am selfish.”
“Oh, please.” She rolled her eyes. “Is this like when you said you were selfish in sex? Because you got that wrong. You never leave me wanting. You always—”