Heather’s eyes flew to mine and I felt my cheeks heat.
“I’m not saying I want to. I just …” I searched for the right words to explain what I was thinking. “I don’t know, Heather. Things are just such a mess. They were a mess before I got here, I think.”
She sat her cake on the middle console. “You can always stay with me. You know that. But can I ask where your head is right now?”
I smiled sadly. “I wish I knew. I just feel like everything is out of control. I couldn’t control the fact that I had to come here, you know?”
I watched the traffic signal turn red and Heather slowed the car, coming to a stop. She looked at me.
“The last time I talked to you, you were worried that he was pulling away. Does this have something to do with that?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I just feel like if I don’t watch it, I’m going to be the same person I was before. No control of anything. At the mercy of a man and his life. Always worried about something going on, about things happening that I don’t know about. And I want to make sure I don’t get back to that.”
“And you feel like if you know you can stay with me, that will help ease your nerves?”
Nodding, I said, “I’m just trying to remind myself that I have options.”
She laughed as the light switched to green. “I’ll be your backup plan. That’s fine with me. Just don’t go deciding anything too quickly, okay?”
“Okay.”
We rode in silence the rest of the way home, Heather giving me some space to think, which would have been great if I could have concentrated on anything. I would start to figure something out and my brain would go back to Cane. In Arizona. With Simon.
And the internal anxiety attack would begin all over again.
We finally reached Heather’s. We got out of the car and made our way to the house.
Something on the stoop caught my eye and I zeroed in on it as we approached.
“What’s that?” Heather asked, taking a couple of steps ahead of me and reaching it first.
I held my breath as I got up to it, a beautiful bouquet of colorful roses sat on the steps, a white card sticking out of the foliage with my name on it.
Heather unlocked the door and I picked it up, my heart fluttering in my chest.
I kicked the door shut behind me and sat the flowers down on the coffee table, Heather standing back and watching with a smug smile on her face.
Finding the card in the midst of reds, yellows, oranges, and whites, I opened it.
My eyes teared up. I held his note in my hand and looked up to Heather.
“I don’t care what you say. He is a keeper,” she said matter-of-factly. “He may not be perfect, but aside from Synyster Gates, no one is.”
I laughed, sniffling back tears. “He isn’t perfect. Not close. But damn it if he doesn’t try.”
“Trying,” Heather said, her voice softer, more serious, “is half the battle, my friend.”
She gave me a wink as she walked out, leaving me with my flowers … and my thoughts.
I snapped a picture of the flowers and sent it to Cane.
Me: They are so beautiful.
Within seconds, his response came.
Cane: You are more beautiful than those flowers.
Me: Thank you, but I don’t know if that’s possible.
Cane: Those flowers won’t be beautiful two weeks from now. You will be beautiful forever.
My lip quivered as I sent my response.
Me: I love you.
Cane: I miss you. And I love you.
Me: The orange ones are my favorite.
Cane: Mine, too. They remind me the most of you. And that dress.
Me: And red cups and wine? ;)
Cane: LOL And fancy pizza dinners in offices.
I giggled at the memory.
Me: I wish you were here.
Cane: No, I wish you were here. With me. Where you belong.
I just looked at his message, not sure what to even say.
Cane: Soon.
Me: Goodnight. <3
Cane: Goodnight, baby. <3
CANE
I woke up as the sun came up and reached out to pull Jada close. My hand brushed against the sheets and they lacked the warmth that her body usually brought to them.
I opened my eyes to search for her and remembered that she wasn’t there. I felt my world fall out from underneath me again, the loss of her almost more than I could bear.
I pulled my black comforter over my head and tried to go back to sleep. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw her green eyes, heard her laugh, and felt her skin against mine and I was reminded, yet again, of what I didn’t have.
And why.
“This is fucking bullshit!” I yelled out, my voice bouncing off of the walls. The echo made the room feel so empty just like I felt inside. So fucking empty.
How did I let things get this way? How did I so royally fuck this up?
I threw back the blankets and jumped out of bed, fueled with my own stupidity. I tugged the legs of my boxers down as I heard my phone ringing faintly.
Where the fuck is it?
It stopped ringing and a few seconds later the ring indicating a voicemail went off.
I scratched my head, trying to remember where I had sat it the night before.