He smiled too, visibly calming down. “Sorry. You never have to do anything you don’t want to with me. You know that.”
“I do know. Look, Clover was…” I trailed off, not knowing how to put it. There was no way I could put it nicely. “With him I didn’t have a choice and now I feel…um…” I didn’t want to say the words aloud; it would make it more real. Dirty, sick, used, worthless. “I don’t feel sick about you being…close with me, but I’m not ready for anything like that. I don’t know when I’ll be ready. Or if I will.”
“Summer, listen to me. Please. I will never rush you. I can wait as long as you need. Not every guy is ruled by his dick. I don’t need sex. I do have some self-control, you know.”
I smiled. “Right. Sorry. I know you do. I just don’t want you to get bored.”
“I’m definitely not getting bored. I didn’t ever think I’d see you again, Sum. Sex really isn’t a priority for me. Please just forget it, don’t worry about it. In fact, I won’t ever say anything about it. Whenever you’re ready—if you’re ready—we can talk again then.”
I gulped. He was willing to do that? “Really?”
“Really. Now, you wanna watch something scary or funny?” he asked, effectively changing the subject.
Was there anything scary in the movie world anymore? Everything that frightened me before just seemed so stupid now. Once you’d lived your own personal horror movie, nothing else measured up. “Whatever you want.”
“Why don’t we let Henry decide?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, whatever.” He grinned a full, face-splitting smile.
“What?”
“You said whatever. Not heard that in a while.” I rolled my eyes.
***
“What do you wanna watch?” Lewis asked Henry as he walked into my bedroom. He was right on cue.
“Halloween?” he replied and frowned. “Summer, err…”
I rolled my eyes again. “I’m not a baby. Put whatever you want on.”
“But isn’t it…”
“Henry, just put it on. I don’t need any special treatment. Okay?” I had been through a shitload, but that didn’t mean I wanted everyone to treat me as if I were made of glass. Before Clover, they would have just teased me for being scared of the “fake blood and screaming actors.” If I was going to move on and find Summer again, then I needed people to treat me the same as they always had.
Henry didn’t say anything else; he put the movie on and sat next to me. “Scared yet?” Henry teased. It hadn’t even started.
I smiled, silently thanking him for being normal. “Not yet but I’ll let you know, and where’s the popcorn?”
He grinned. “Mum’s bringing it up in a minute.”
The movie started, and I waited, hoping that it would scare me so I knew there was at least a little part of me still in there. When the people in the movie were being murdered, I didn’t even flinch. Watching it felt like watching Mum bake a cake. It was something I had seen too many times for it to affect me. Would I still feel nothing if someone were actually being killed in front of my eyes? I partly hoped so. I didn’t ever want to go back to that pure terror I felt at seeing someone’s life ripped away from them. I’d reached a point where I could almost completely switch it off, especially if they were a stranger.
“You okay, Sum?” Henry asked, smirking at me.
I frowned. “Fine. It doesn’t scare me anymore.” I knew they would be making faces and feeling sorry for me, so I focused on the TV. The second the credits rolled, Henry ran from the room. I think it was my fault after telling him I wasn’t scared anymore. It was a stupid thing to say, and I should have just kept it to myself.
Lewis smiled at me sadly. Not him too! “I want to go to Ethan’s party thing tonight,” I said, hoping to take his mind off whatever was going through his head. Kerri had told me about a very, very small party her boyfriend, Ethan, was having, and I had debated whether to go or not. I used to love getting together at his house with my friends and messing around for the evening. “I need to work things out with Rachel.”
Lewis looked down at me, his eyes weary. “Why?”
Did I not just say? “To work things out with Rachel…”
“I got that, Summer. Why, though?”
“Because she’s my friend and she feels bad. What happened to me wasn’t her fault.” He flinched and looked down at the bed. He blamed himself. “Lewis, it wasn’t anyone’s fault but Clover’s. Please stop beating yourself up,” I whispered, shuffling toward him and laying my head on his shoulder. “I love you.”
He sighed and wrapped his arm around me. “I love you too, Sum. I just—”
“Shh,” I hissed. “Please don’t. You couldn’t have known. I hate that you feel so guilty for something you had no control over.” He smiled tightly and nodded. I knew he wasn’t really listening to me, and I wished there was something I could do to make him realize it wasn’t his fault, but he was a stubborn arse and needed to get there himself. Hopefully soon, because I hated him feeling crappy.