“But…” she whispered. Sighing in frustration, I grabbed her wrist. Why couldn’t she just do as she was told? “No!” She gasped and thrust her body around, trying to get out of my grip. “No. Please don’t.”
I held both of her arms tight and pushed her down the stairs with me. For someone so slim she was strong. Rose, Poppy, and Lily all stood, waiting. “Good evening, Flowers,” I said. Violet’s body stiffened and she planted her feet into the floor. “Please make Violet welcome and help her settle in. I’ll be back for dinner very soon.” I let go of her and walked back up the stairs. I needed to get clean.
***
I returned to the girls’ room after showering and picking out the wool Rose requested. The room was filled with the warming smell of a fresh shepherd’s pie. It took me back to my childhood, before I was six, when Mother would make incredible home-cooked meals. That all changed the second we caught Dad with that whore, of course. Sitting down as a family and having Mother dish up large helpings of hearty food was one of the things I missed the most.
“Good evening, Flowers,” I said, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.
“Good evening,” they replied in unison. Violet sat on the sofa staring at the floor, a statue.
I frowned. “Is Violet okay?” I asked Rose. She was supposed to help her settle in.
Rose nodded. “She’ll be fine. She’s just getting used to something new.”
I smiled. Of course. The adjustment period. “Dinner then?”
“It’s ready,” she replied and smiled. “Violet, come sit at the table. Dinner’s ready.” Lily helped her up and led her to her seat. My heart swelled. Lily was perfect—she was now everything I wanted her to be. Somewhere between my worry of finding Violet and the countrywide search for Summer, I’d forgotten to pay attention to her flourishing. I’d missed that and I was overcome with guilt.
“Eat, Violet,” I said. Everyone was almost finished, but she had barely touched any of hers.
Lily looked up. “I don’t think she’s that hungry. We can save hers for later.” Violet couldn’t have eaten for a while, and she was thin. Her clothes would probably hang off her frame the way Lily’s still did. “It’s only her first night, after all,” Lily added.
“You’ll make sure she has something later?”
“Yes.”
I nodded and turned my attention back to my own dinner. “Oh, your yarn is on the bottom step.”
Rose smiled. “Thank you. I’ll put that away when we’re done.”
I finished and waited for the girls. Everything is going to be fine. I am in control. Rose and Poppy got up to clear the table and I stopped Lily from helping. “Come, Lily.” I walked ahead. She had shown me that she was the thoughtful, caring person I wanted, and now it was my turn to show her how much she meant to me.
She appeared at the door. Her posture was stiff, as if she wasn’t breathing, and her eyes were wide. “It’s okay, don’t be nervous.” I closed the door behind us. “Please relax. I’m not going to hurt you. Everything’s going to be perfect now, can’t you see that?” I led her to the bed, and she sat rigid on the edge. “Did you shower this morning?” She nodded and I smiled, stroking her long blond hair behind her ear. “That’s my girl.”
She blinked rapidly and a few tears fell from her eyes. “Shh,” I whispered and unbuttoned my shirt. “Don’t be afraid. I love you, Lily.”
18
SUMMER
Tuesday, January 18 (Present)
I couldn’t move. My body shook to the point where it ached and felt numb. Nothing felt real anymore. I didn’t want anything to be real anymore. The bedsheet was wrapped tightly around me and I clung to it as if it were my lifeline. It smelled of him. I smelled of him. I desperately wanted to get that smell off, but my damned, traitorous body wouldn’t move.
A distant voice drifted through the room, and I raised my head. “Lily. Lily, shh, it’s okay,” Poppy said softly. “It’s going to be okay.” I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out, just a low creak in the back of my throat. “Don’t worry, it’ll be all right.” It won’t bloody be all right! “You want me to help you to the bathroom?” In my zombie state, I nodded and Poppy helped me up.
Somehow, we made it to the bathroom, but I don’t remember getting here. I felt like I was underwater, the floor felt uneven, and everything was swimming. I couldn’t believe that had just happened to me. I knew it had, but it didn’t feel real.
Standing on the bathroom floor still in my socks, I gripped the sheet tighter around myself and stared at the floor. Why can’t I feel anything? I couldn’t even cry. I should be crying. Poppy turned the shower on and placed a fresh towel on the side of the sink. “Call if you need me, okay?” she said and walked out, closing the door behind her.