Tonight Lewis and I were going to have sex for the first time. It was also my first time ever, and I was almost sick with nerves. What if I did something wrong? I was totally in the deep end here, and he just kept saying everything was fine. Apparently I couldn’t mess it up. I didn’t want to prove him wrong.
“You okay?” I asked. I still didn’t know why he was scared—he’d done it before!
“Yeah.” He nodded and wiped his hand on his jeans. “You?”
“I’m fine,” I whispered. I was ready and had been for a little while now, but everyone said it hurts the first time so I was scared. Hurt how much?
We spoke a few times about when, and I didn’t want it to be quickly before my parents got home from work or in the back of a car, so we planned on tonight. Shouldn’t he make the first move? I looked up at him through my eyelashes. What if he had changed his mind? I mentally laughed at myself. What seventeen-year-old guy changed his mind about sex?
“You’re nervous,” I said, blushing.
He nodded. “A bit.”
“Why?” He shrugged, giving nothing away. “Lewis?”
“I dunno, it’s just different this time. And you’re a virgin.” Oh, sorry! I frowned, and he laughed. “That’s not a bad thing, Sum.”
“I know,” I replied, narrowing my eyes.
“Would you rather wait?”
“No,” I whispered. “Would you?” He smirked, his eyes dancing with amusement. “I’ll take that as a no,” I muttered sarcastically. He bent his head and kissed me. My tummy flipped over and over again. His lips pressed against mine forcefully but somehow gently at the same time. It was dizzying. “I’m ready now,” I muttered against his lips.
He groaned and tangled his fingers in my hair. “Wait, should I have roses scattered on the bed or something cheesy like that?”
“Yeah, because every girl wants a thorn sticking in her butt on her first time. It’ll be special. I don’t need all the cheesiness.” His lips covered mine suddenly. After a second, I kissed him back and we fell onto the mattress. My clothes just seemed to disappear. He was good at this. I felt stupid, not really knowing what to do.
Lewis was gentle as he pushed inside me, really gentle, but it still bloody hurt. Closing my eyes, I gripped hold of his back. I loved how he made me feel, that we were like one person right now, but I couldn’t ignore the pain. I bit down on my lip and he stilled. “Do you want to stop?”
“No!” I blushed at how desperate I sounded, but it was true—I really didn’t want to stop. I wanted to get past the hurting part. “I like being this close to you and, anyway, I’ll be okay after a few minutes.” I hope. Kerri better be right! He kissed me again, and I was too lost, too wrapped up in him to think about the pain that was very slowly subsiding. It was perfect, even without the candles and roses.
***
I cuddled into his side with my head on his chest. “You okay? Does it still hurt? You’re not still in pain, are you? I can get you something,” he rambled, drawing random shapes on my back with his fingers.
“Lewis, chill, I’m fine.”
“You said it hurt.”
“It did, but I think I’ll survive.” I rolled my eyes.
“So you’re in pain, but you won’t take anything for it because it’s not a pain that will kill you?” He shook his head and looked at me in amusement. “I think your stubbornness has reached a new level.”
“Or,” I said, “I’m just not a big baby. Besides it’s a nice pain, and it doesn’t really hurt that much now.”
“You’re such a weirdo,” he teased and kissed my forehead.
I laughed. “Yeah, love you too.”
19
SUMMER
Thursday, January 20th (Present)
Poppy woke me up in the morning by stroking my hair and whispering, “Lily.” Summer, Summer, Summer, Summer, Summer! I squeezed my eyes closed and a tear escaped, dripping onto the pillow. Wrapping the cover around me tightly, I pressed my face into the pillow. Leave me alone. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t cry. He’s already gone,” Poppy said. I heard her put something down on the bedside table. I raised my head and saw a hot mug of tea and a plate of toast. I could eat here? And he was gone?
“What?” I asked, blinking rapidly to clear the tears in my eyes. We never ate in the bedroom.
“He’s already been down for breakfast. We told him you’re not feeling well so you were sleeping in. Try and eat something, okay?” I nodded my head. I felt sick but my stomach groaned, begging for food. “I’ll leave you to it. Call me if you need anything.” She walked out of the room and closed the door. I gulped down the panic at her leaving me. I wanted to be alone, but I didn’t feel safe. None of us were safe down here, but we were safer together. He couldn’t just magic his way in here—appear in front of me—but it still scared me. He had so much control over us.