I sat against the wall and pulled the cover over me for protection. The steaming mug of tea looked so inviting; I picked it up and took a sip. After a few mouthfuls, I felt a little more human. My gran was wrong, though: a cup of tea couldn’t fix everything. It was just a normal thing to do and normal didn’t happen down here much.
Yesterday felt like it was a bad dream. Did it really happen? Sometimes I thought about something so much that it didn’t seem real anymore. Or something was so shocking that it couldn’t seem real. I knew I should keep myself busy to take my mind off it, but I was too drained. I felt like I had nothing left inside me. Summer was slipping away, and I clutched at that carefree, stubborn teenager with my fingertips. I wouldn’t let her go. I couldn’t be Lily.
My skin crawled and a shudder of disgust rippled through my body. I jumped out of bed and grabbed clothes and a towel. “I’m showering,” I muttered on my way through to the bathroom.
“Okay,” Rose replied, looking up from her book the sofa.
I turned the shower on as hot as it would go and sat on the floor and waited for the steam to tell me it was hot enough. Would I ever feel clean again? Don’t think about it…Summer. Stripping out of my clothes, I stepped into the shower. The water burned as it hit my skin, and I gasped in shock. I clenched my teeth together and held on to the wall, digging my short nails into it. The water was unbearably hot; it felt like being stung all over by bees, but I wouldn’t move.
When I was red and sore, I got out and loosely wrapped a towel around my aching body. The soft material rubbed against my delicate skin. It stung so much it brought a tear to my eye. The mirror on the wall next to the shower had steamed up and, thankfully, I couldn’t see myself in it. I used to think they were crazy to happily shower twice a day, but maybe they just didn’t feel clean down here.
The only tight fitting clothes I had were a pair of white cotton trousers and a thin, light green long-sleeved top. I brushed my hair, dragging it from the roots to the tips, counting to one hundred. My mum used to tell me to brush it one hundred strokes when I was little. I treated it as a game—shouting the numbers out until I reached one hundred. This time I did the same and counted in my head. I wanted to go back there, to when I was a little kid sitting on my daddy’s lap combing my damp hair.
“Lily, are you okay?” Rose asked, the second I walked out of the bathroom. I nodded in reply, even though what I felt was the furthest thing from okay.
Poppy sat on the sofa as Rose got up, and I followed her. I had a feeling she didn’t say certain things in front of Rose, and I wasn’t sure if that was because she didn’t trust her or she didn’t want to upset her. “It will get better, I promise. You won’t always feel like this.”
“Won’t I?” I replied.
“You won’t. It gets…bearable. I hate it too, Lily. You just need to find something to focus on while it’s happening.” I tried. “I think about what I want my life to be and for those few minutes, I’m in a different world,” she said, smiling fondly at whatever that image was.
“What do you want your life to be?”
“Happy,” she replied simply. “I imagine living in a beautiful little cottage with ivy growing up the walls and around the windows. The garden is equally as beautiful, with colorful flowers and a vegetable patch. My husband’s a great man who works hard to support his family and I stay at home with our children. I imagine what my pregnancies would be like and how my children would look, our family holidays and playing in the garden. We’re happy, you know, really happy.”
I managed to smile a little. “That sounds nice.” I wanted a life in London with a huge flat overlooking the Thames, a good salary, and lots of cocktail bars. Now I’d settle for anything—a cardboard box—if it were outside this fucking cellar.
“It’s silly, I know, but a family and nice little house is all I’ve ever wanted.”
I shook my head. “It’s not silly. You can still have that.” We just needed to get out of here. Would her fantasy of her perfect life be enough to make her help me? With her help, we could do something to him. I had no doubt Violet would be in.
She sighed and shook her head. “I can’t, Lily. It’s just a dream. Do you want another cup of tea?” Before I had time to answer, she walked over to the kettle. Boiling water. We could do a lot of damage with boiling water. “Lily, do you want an extra sugar?”
Why would I want an extra sugar? I frowned. “No, thank you.”
Poppy smiled and went back to making tea. She should be making tea for her husband and juice for her children. She deserved that life. I sat back and for the first time I really realized that it wasn’t just me that was losing out. Rose and Poppy may not have had a family when they were taken, but that didn’t mean they didn’t dream of having one. They could have one now if they weren’t down here.