Justin wasn’t happy Sophie had left before he’d had a chance to ask her how she was feeling now that the funeral was over. As if he needed to ask. Devastated – that was how she would be feeling.
Choking back an angry knot in his chest, he considered this new twist in their lives, and how it was going to affect Sophie. Because if not now, at some time it would have to. Had Alicia not considered how many times she might be asked for her parents’ medical history throughout her life when she’d decided to keep this huge secret to herself? Jesus Christ. It had been so many years. Everything – their whole relationship, as well as his relationship with Sophie – was based on a lie. To her, plainly, this had been too trivial to mention. How many other things might she have lied about? How many other details might she have neglected to tell him? Like the fact that the long-lost lover hadn’t just happened to turn up after the funeral, for instance? Or that fucking party? Wasn’t it more likely that she’d had contact with him over the years?
Following Jess and Sophie to the front door, Justin dragged a hand furiously over his neck, attempting to curtail his building anger. They would have exchanged emails, no doubt. Text messages, phone calls – the added thrill obviously being that it was all going on behind his back. Had they met up when Radley had visited the UK, which surely he would have done? She’d been away a couple of times over the years. On residential training courses pertaining to her ongoing social work training, she’d said. More probably she’d been in that bastard’s bed, the topic of post-coital conversation being their future plans.
Christ, he felt sick.
Breathing in hard, he forced a smile for Sophie’s sake. ‘Bye, Pumpkin,’ he said, wishing she’d unplug her earphones so he could say goodbye properly before she left. Seeing that she was distracted, obviously into her music, which she probably found therapeutic, he settled for giving her shoulders a squeeze and kissing her cheek instead.
Sophie offered him the briefest of smiles and followed Jess out.
Justin watched as, head bowed, she walked to Jess’s car and climbed inside the passenger side. He’d thought she might wave as they drove off, but…
Oh God, no. Justin’s heart flipped over. He’d thought she’d been outside. He’d seen her and Chloe through the window, walking away from the house. Might she have come back earlier than he’d realised, heard him and Jess talking? Dammit! He’d needed to speak to Jess, desperately needed to speak to her, but why hadn’t he thought before broaching the subject with Sophie around?
Cursing himself, Justin pulled out his mobile and selected her number, hoping she would pick up, relief surging through him when she did. ‘Sophie, I just wanted to apologise,’ he said quickly.
‘For?’ Sophie asked guardedly.
‘Leaving you earlier. I’m sorry, Sophie. It was a selfish thing to do. I just—’
‘It’s fine,’ Sophie said over him. ‘You’re dealing with shit. I get it.’
‘We all are,’ Justin reminded her gently.
‘And some,’ Sophie replied quietly, after a pause.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Justin asked, trying to read the inflection in her voice. He could feel her slipping away from him already. ‘Staying with Jess for a while, I mean?’
‘Yeah, it’s fine. Me not being in the way will give you two some space, won’t it?’ She sounded so indifferent. ‘Crap, battery’s dying. I’d better go.’
‘Okay, but ring me when you get there, will you?’ Justin asked, feeling extremely concerned by her reluctance to be drawn into conversation. Was he reading too much into it? She’d seemed all right when he’d come home, or as right as she could be under the circumstances. When she’d left, though…
‘Sophie?’ Realising she’d gone, Justin tossed his mobile onto the hall table and stared at it, uncertain what to do next.
He couldn’t lose her. Above and beyond Alicia’s deceit, which was crucifying him, his gut-wrenching fear was that he would lose Sophie. She would have to learn the truth eventually. Parental medical history was so important, for pregnancy as well as future health issues. He couldn’t keep this information from her – as a doctor as much as anything else. Once she found out, he might become peripheral to her life. Imagining that bastard taking over his role, being there for her when she needed a father, was destroying him. He loved her, irrevocably. He’d loved her since he’d gone with Alicia to her first scan and glimpsed her tiny form on the monitor. She’d been his reason for focussing on the future, not dwelling on a past that was too painful to contemplate. Losing his family had almost destroyed him. He couldn’t lose Sophie. Whatever her biology, she was his daughter.
He’d need to take a test. His heart wrenched again as that sickening thought occurred. Should he do that before confronting Alicia? He didn’t understand. Why had she stayed with him if she was still involved with this… whoever the fuck he was? Why the hell hadn’t she told him?
Kneading a temple, he reached for his phone, selected Alicia’s number and then hesitated. She’d just buried her son. He’d just buried his son, he reminded himself, his grief almost choking him as he realised the death of the child he’d loved with every fibre of his being was in danger of becoming secondary to all of this. Was Lucas his child?
He stopped, feeling the foundations of his life crumbling beneath him as that thought occurred. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t talk to her. Hear her voice. Feel another part of him die inside when she lied.
Eighteen
JESSICA
‘All right, lovely?’ Warily, Jessica glanced sideways at Sophie. Jessica had heard her outside in the hall, and knew she’d overheard. She’d expected her to say something at the house. Or at least mention it when Justin had rung just now. Instead, she’d got off the phone fast and immediately texted someone. So much for her battery being dead.
God, she hoped Sophie would be all right. She’d have to try and talk to her. Jessica didn’t agree with what Alicia had done, deceiving Justin all these years, to say little of putting her in an impossible situation. Obviously not as adept as her sister at subterfuge, she’d found herself completely unable to lie to Justin’s face when he’d had asked her outright. She hadn’t actually confirmed his suspicions – it wasn’t quite as clear-cut as he’d imagined it was – but she was glad he knew now. Alicia loved him, Jessica was sure of that, but it wasn’t fair to keep a man under false pretences. Frankly, she didn’t think Alicia deserved him. It wasn’t a little lie she’d told, after all. It was humungous. She should have told Justin the truth straight away, as Jessica had urged her to. Back then, after Paul Radley had disappeared off the scene, there had been no reason not to. Honesty was surely the best policy, given the risk that Justin would find out one day. If Alicia had just been honest, they might have been able to get past it. She would never, ever have wished Sophie to find out third-hand though.
‘Sophie?’ Jessica reached out, giving Sophie’s arm a squeeze when she didn’t answer.
Sophie tugged an earphone loose and looked at her questioningly.
‘All right, sweetie?’ Jessica asked.
Sophie shrugged. ‘You know,’ she said, and fixed her gaze on the side window. ‘Can you do me a favour, Aunt Jess?’ she said, after a second. ‘If Mum rings, can you tell her I’m asleep or something?’
‘Of course,’ Jessica assured her, her heart skipping a beat. ‘Are you okay?’
Another shrug from Sophie. ‘I just don’t want to talk to anyone. Not yet.’
Jessica felt a prickle of apprehension run through her. Sophie would definitely need some space now, and Justin would most definitely need a shoulder.
Nineteen
JUSTIN
You need to come home. It’s urgent.