Her family needed her.
Her throat closing, her heart beyond breaking, she watched as Justin lowered the casket. ‘Bye, little man.’ She read the words on his lips as he placed a hand briefly upon it, wiped his eyes with his other hand and turned away. He didn’t look at anyone as he took his seat. Alicia guessed why: he couldn’t bear to see the sympathy in their eyes. He simply wouldn’t be able to cope with it.
She reached for his hand, gripping it hard. She heard nothing of what the minister was saying beyond ‘God has walked with Luke since before he was born.’ Sophie took hold of her other hand and Alicia held on tight to her daughter.
It took a second to realise Sophie was easing away. Alicia couldn’t breathe past the pain in her chest, couldn’t focus through her tears, as her beautiful, brave daughter took her place at the pulpit.
She felt Justin’s hand on her back, his arm sliding around her as she bowed her head, gulping hard against the sobs she couldn’t seem to stop.
Haltingly, Sophie began. ‘“Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow…”’
Alicia looked up, her heart breaking for her, as her baby paused, trying to compose herself.
‘Luke did sleep.’ Sophie glanced upwards, wiped a tear from her cheek and went on, as Justin got half to his feet. ‘He slept a lot.’ She laughed tremulously. ‘I wondered what the point of him was at first. And then I realised. Seeing the pure innocence in his eyes, the little hand he trustingly offered me, his smile’ – again, she stopped, her voice quavering – ‘simply because he was delighted to see me. Luke taught me how to love, unconditionally and with all of me. He’s nestled safe in an angel’s wings now, but he will never leave me. He’s here.’ She pressed a hand to her heart. ‘He will always be.’
Easing her daughter to her when she made her way back, Alicia kissed her temple, and then turned to Justin. His gaze was fixed downwards. She saw the tears spill onto the order of service resting on his knees, his other hand going to his forehead as he drew in a deep breath, trying to contain his emotion.
Outside, she would tell him how much she loved him. Would always love him. She had no idea what tomorrow would bring, but today, she was Justin’s wife. He was her husband. His heart was tearing inside him, and he needed her to be there for him.
Twelve
JUSTIN
Once outside the church, Justin’s strength almost failed him. People were spilling out, glancing over to him, talking in hushed whispers about the beautiful service, the flowers, debating whose cars to follow to the reception. Alicia’s sister had stopped her on the way out. Watching her sobbing now in Jessica’s arms, Justin thought his presence might be an intrusion. Deciding to give them a minute, he waited, shaking hands and thanking people for coming.
Seeing someone approach her, seemingly without hesitation, Justin felt his already fractured heart splinter. It wasn’t jealousy that consumed him as he watched Paul Radley, the man from Alicia’s past, place a hand on her arm and lean intimately towards her. It was desolation. Standing there, amongst people he knew, people who cared deeply, Justin suddenly felt more alone than he ever had in his life. He had no idea what to do. How to be. He wasn’t sure he even knew who he was any more, what his role was. He felt utterly and hopelessly lost.
Kneading his temples, desperately trying to hold back his tears, he turned away. He couldn’t do this, stand here, feeling as if he was on the outside. The man had worked with Alicia aeons ago, for what, six months? A year? It had been a small financial services company. She hadn’t really liked her job, she’d said, and had eventually left to retrain as a social worker. As far as he knew, she hadn’t seen this man since. So what the hell was he doing here?
Realising his anger was way too close to the surface, Justin started walking. Whether he was getting things out of proportion or not, he couldn’t handle this. Not now.
‘Dad?’ Sophie said behind him, as he reached the path heading towards the exit.
Justin turned back. The guy was still there, his hand still on Alicia’s arm, his face close to hers. Too close. Justin looked away. He couldn’t breathe.
‘Justin?’ He heard Jessica hurrying towards him. ‘Justin, are you all right?’
Ineffectually attempting to compose himself, Justin nodded shortly.
Jessica stopped in front of him, placing a hand on his arm, as he glanced again towards Alicia. ‘He’s just an old acquaintance,’ she said, looking kindly into his eyes.
Was he? Justin’s gaze flicked again to Alicia and back. He was beginning to very much doubt that that’s all he was, not least because her sister had just felt the need to convince him of it.
‘I need to go,’ he said, restraining himself from going over there and establishing the facts for himself. ‘I have to… walk. Clear my head.’
Jessica looked surprised, and then nodded sympathetically. ‘You need some alone time. I can’t say I blame you. Go on, take all the time you need. I’ll let Alicia know. I’m not sure she’ll understand entirely’ – she glanced anxiously back over her shoulder – ‘but I’ll make sure she knows you’re okay.’
Justin laughed drily at that. Deep in conversation with her ‘old acquaintance’, he wasn’t sure Alicia would even notice he’d gone. ‘Will you take care of Sophie for me?’ he asked Jessica.
‘Of course I will,’ Jessica assured him. ‘Do you want me to tell Alicia you’ll see her at the reception?’
Justin hesitated. He would be there: Radley, being way too intimate with his wife. And he was supposed to do what? Stand by and watch? ‘Just tell her I’ll see her later.’
‘At home?’ Jessica asked worriedly.
Justin nodded, and turned to Sophie, who was looking at him in bewilderment. ‘Stay with your mum, Sophie, will you?’ he asked her throatily. ‘Please. Can you do that for me?’
Her expression now a kaleidoscope of confused emotions, Sophie nodded uncertainly, as Justin turned around again and walked away.
Thirteen
JESSICA
Jessica glanced after Justin and then back to Alicia, who was still talking to Paul Radley. Seeing him there was clearly more than a little disconcerting for Justin, given the attention Paul had paid Alicia at her party. She really couldn’t blame Justin for leaving, after seeing the man attempt to monopolise her again, here of all places.
She should intervene, she supposed. Clearly, Alicia needed rescuing. Her daughter needed her right now. Jessica doubted she would do in lieu of her mother.
Seeing Sophie was extremely upset, Jessica placed an arm around her niece’s shoulders and eased her towards her.
‘Why is he going? Without Mum?’ Sophie asked, tears cascading down her face. ‘I don’t get it?’
Jessica hugged her closer. ‘I think he just needs some space, sweetheart,’ she said. ‘Don’t worry, he’ll probably be at home when you get there.’
‘They’re not coping.’ Sophie cried harder. ‘They’re avoiding talking about him, about anything meaningful. I don’t know what to do.’
‘They’re hurting, lovely,’ Jessica said soothingly. ‘Probably both feeling guilty and not sure how to reach out to each other. I know you want to help, but there’s nothing you can do in reality. Just give them some time, and remember they love you however preoccupied they might seem.’
Sophie nodded. ‘I don’t want to go to the reception either,’ she sniffled. ‘Not without Dad. People I’ve never even met will be trying to talk to me about Luke, and I know they’ll mean well, but they didn’t know him, did they? It’s just…’
‘Too much?’ Jessica suggested.
Sophie’s nod this time was one of relief.
‘I tell you what, why don’t you come and stay with me for a few days? We could have a good natter, try to put the world to rights, watch romantic films when that fails, and then have a good cry together.’