While I was packing my belongings at the halfway house, Helen came to my door.
“Got a going-away present for you, Murphy.” She threw a plastic bag at my bed and it came to rest by my suitcase. The bag had opened slightly when it fell and its gruesome contents spilled partway out onto my bed. A dead rat.
I remembered Harley setting traps under the house a couple of days ago, how Helen had smirked when I walked by. I glanced at her now.
“You better hope you never see me again, bitch,” Helen said.
I turned back to my suitcase and kept packing. She stood there for a moment, watching me. I wanted to tell her off. But I kept my mouth shut until she finally walked away. She didn’t matter anymore. I was finally free.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CAMPBELL RIVER
AUGUST 1996
After Nicole lied about my stealing the pills, we didn’t speak for a couple of days. We didn’t even look at each other when we passed in the hall, and I waited until she was out of the bathroom before I left my room. Once, I heard her stop in front of my door and thought she was going to knock, but then she kept walking. The phone rang late one night and I thought it was Ryan, but when I went downstairs Nicole was just hanging up, her face pale and tears in her eyes. She brushed past me and ran upstairs, slamming her door.
The next day, I told Ryan about the call. “I think some guy’s messing with her head. She’s acting so weird. I still don’t know why she lied about the pills.”
“You don’t think she’d do anything with them, do you? Like hurt herself?”
I paused, fear running through my body, then thought it through.
“No, not Nicole. She’s always too worried about my parents’ feelings and stuff. Shauna used to take her grandmother’s pills sometimes for parties, so we could experiment. She probably talked Nicole into doing the same thing.”
“Well, it’s pretty shitty that she blamed you.”
“Yeah.” I still wasn’t over it. It was bad enough that she’d been treating me like crap all year, but for her to outright accuse me? I could still see the looks on my parents’ faces, the disappointment and shame that I was their daughter. The way they’d been treating me since was even worse, the stiff politeness, like they were just trying to keep things calm until they were finally rid of me.
That Friday evening, the second-to-last weekend of August, they went out to a late dinner with friends, then they planned on going to an outdoor concert down at the harbor. I was packing some of my books, getting ready to move out, when Nicole showed up at my bedroom door. I didn’t even look at her.
“Toni, can I talk to you?”
“I don’t have anything to say to you.” I still didn’t turn around.
“I’m sorry—for what I did.” Her voice was small and timid.
Now I faced her. She was nervous, fiddling with the strap on her tank top, her shoulders burned. I’d seen her in the backyard the day before, lying on one of the chairs, not reading or anything, just staring at the fence.
I wasn’t letting her off that easy.
“Sorry for what? Treating me like shit for most of the year, or blaming me for what you did and lying about it?”
She burst into tears, her shoulders shaking as she covered her face with her hands. I didn’t know what to say. I was used to fighting, had wanted to swear and yell and scream at her. Her reaction caught me off guard.
I sat on my bed, waited for her to calm down. Finally, she took a few breaths and wiped her face with her hand.
“I know I’ve been awful. I can’t believe what I’ve done.” Her horrified expression made me think she was talking about more than just how she’d treated me.
“What’s been going on with you?” I said. “You’ve been a super-bitch.”
“I … I can’t tell you.”
I shook my head, angry, and made to get up again.
She held out a hand in a plea. “I want to tell you, I do, but I can’t. I’m sorry, Toni. I just can’t.”
“So why are you here?”
“I needed you to know how sorry I am for how terrible I made you feel. It makes me feel sick.” She grabbed her stomach. “I’ll tell Mom and Dad I stole the pills. I just couldn’t sleep—and I thought they’d help. I’ll even tell them how mean I’ve been to you.”
She sounded sincere, and she did look really upset, so I had a feeling she meant it, but she still wasn’t telling me everything.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” I said.
“I just … I have a lot on my mind.”
I gave her a look, but it was obvious she wasn’t going to share anything else. “I’m moving out anyway,” I said.
“You’re really going?” She looked like she was going to cry again.
“Why do you even give a shit? You’ve spent months treating me like dirt.”
“I told you, I’m sorry for all that. You’re my sister, and it’s weird thinking that you won’t be here anymore. School’s starting soon, and it will just be me for two more years, and—” Her voice broke, and she took a shuddering breath.