The officer came over. “Toni, time’s up.”
I threw my drink into the garbage, the taste now bitter in my mouth.
*
For the year after that, I was allowed unescorted temporary absences. I had to stay at the halfway house on the island and I was only allowed four a year, each one lasting seventy-two hours. It was all part of a gradual approach to integrating inmates back into society. The first UTA I had to stay inside, had to watch everyone come and go, hating the smell of fresh air on them. But after that I was allowed to wander around and get to know the city. I wasn’t able to look for work yet, but I introduced myself at a few of the animal shelters and took a couple of brief courses at the employment office on basic computer skills and building a résumé. The Internet had been completely overwhelming at first, but then I found I loved zipping from Web page to Web page. I resisted Googling my own name, though, or anything to do with Ryan and my family.
Mostly I liked to walk around the parks along the ocean or sit on a bench and people-watch or read a book. I tried to take mental snapshots of everything so I could describe it to the girls when I got back to Rockland. I’d thought they might not want to hear it, but they said they loved my stories, so I made special note of different things I’d eaten, like a pumpkin scone with cream cheese icing, or weird people I saw. Margaret loved hearing about the food, Brenda liked hearing about hot chicks, and Amber wanted to know about boys. But I never looked at men, always too scared to see someone who reminded me of Ryan.
Finally, the middle of March, I was granted day parole. I was going to the halfway house. If I did well in the next year, I’d have another parole hearing and hopefully be granted full parole. The night before my release I was antsy, both excited to be leaving and terrified I’d mess it up somehow, and anxious about leaving Margaret and my friends. I didn’t know what I was going to do without them. I could tell Margaret was also upset, because she’d been cranky the last couple of weeks before my hearing and snapped at me about stupid stuff. I’d been hurt when I saw her spending more time with the other girls and a new inmate who’d just joined our cell block. But then I remembered how I had to get angry and hard to let go of Ryan. Maybe it was the same for her.
I was in my cell, taking down the magazine photos I had on my wall—dogs I wanted one day, places I wanted to see, the ocean—when they all showed up wearing funny hats they’d made out of cardboard and carrying a cake they’d made from Twinkies. I burst into tears, and cried even harder when Margaret enveloped me in her arms and said, “I’m going to miss you, girl.”
I gave Amber any treats I had left from the canteen, and Brenda and Margaret got my music collection. I also gave Margaret my TV and wrote each of them a letter. In the morning they stood on the range and waved me off as I followed the guard down the hall, carrying my few belongings. I didn’t see Margaret at first and was hurt, then I noticed her downstairs by the doors. She held me for a long time.
“Stay safe out there, honey. And remember, you have to make it for all of us, okay? I don’t want to see you back in here again.”
We broke apart, tears in our eyes.
I said, “Don’t worry. I’m not coming back.”
CHAPTER TEN
WOODBRIDGE HIGH, CAMPBELL RIVER
MAY 1996
Nicole was at the restaurant the next weekend, ordering countless cups of coffee, sharing eye rolls with Shauna and the girls when I brought them over.
“No offense, Toni, but those jeans don’t do a thing for you,” Shauna said. “When you walk away, you look like a boy!” Nicole seemed embarrassed, her eyes shooting to my face. But then Shauna gave her a look and she laughed along with them. I was careful not to show that the words hurt, but I spent a lot of time in the kitchen trying to calm down. It hurt even more that my own sister was just sitting there, listening and not saying anything.
Ryan told me Shauna would get bored with Nicole soon, but Nicole started spending more time with them, going to movies, even having sleepovers at Shauna’s on the weekend. When I heard Shauna’s car pull up outside our house, music blasting, I’d disappear to my room, hating the sound of Shauna’s voice as she politely talked to my mom in the kitchen. Once, Mom even came to my room and told me that Shauna had apologized for the fight that had happened at school and said there were no hard feelings on her part.
“I’m glad you girls worked things out,” Mom said.
“We didn’t work anything out, Mom. She’s just saying that.”
“Well, she’s not upset with you. She’s grown up to be a very nice girl.”
The air left my lungs and I stared at my mom. “They’re awful to me, at school, work, everywhere. They even messed up my friendship with Amy.”
“I heard Amy was upset because you spend all your time with Ryan. You can’t drop the rest of your life because of a boy.”