“No, I think you recognized it. You’ve got the same anger in you, Toni. You’re just not letting yours out again yet. But you will.”
I had been violent in prison too, and whenever I thought about Shauna and her friends my body would get tight and agitated and I had to fight the powerful urge to make them suffer. I always stuffed it down, but was that self-control or fear of what might happen if I released all that rage? Maybe Ryan was right, but I wasn’t ready to say it out loud.
Instead, I said, “The next step should be to talk to Kim—she broke away from Shauna before, so she might be willing to do it again. But I’ll go alone. She might open up if it’s just me.”
“Okay. What’s the plan?”
“I’m not sure yet. I need to think about it.” What I wasn’t sure of was how much I wanted to reveal to Ryan. He’d changed, we both had, but I didn’t know yet what that meant, just that something was telling me to be careful. I looked at him now, his face blurred in the dim light, and saw the shadow of the boy he used to be. He looked sad, and I wondered if he sensed my distrust, or was just seeing the same thing as me, who we were once.
“Do you have a cell?” he said.
“Yeah, but the cops can trace that shit.”
“I’ll call from a pay phone for now if I have to reach you, but get one of those pay-as-you-go phones and I’ll get one too.”
I gave him my cell number and he gave me his. We agreed to buy new phones as soon as possible.
“How are you going to find Kim?” he said.
“I think her mom still lives at the same place.” She’d had a party there once when we were in high school, before she started hanging out with Shauna.
“Be careful,” he said. “These girls are scared, they’re not going down without a fight.”
“Neither am I. They’ve fucked with us long enough.”
He smiled, hearing the old tough-Toni talk, but there was also recognition in his eyes. He knew this time I meant it. We held gazes for a little while longer, the energy in the truck changing as I became more physically aware of his presence. His hands on the wheel, his arms hard, his jeans tight on his thighs, the dim light making hollows and shadows on his face, his chin still unshaven. I wanted to feel it again, scraping against mine. I remembered how we used to make out for hours as teens, our hands greedy for each other, then later how sometimes we’d have sex in his truck, my hands and feet pushing against the dash or the window, anything to get him closer, deeper. My face flushed warm, and I looked away. I could feel him studying my profile. I glanced back at him.
“I haven’t been with anyone since you,” he said.
I caught my breath, holding his words close to me for a moment, savoring what they meant, then whispered, “Me neither.”
There was something else in his face now, relief, as though maybe he hadn’t been sure of my feelings. He hesitated for a second, then shifted his weight and leaned forward, bringing his face close, at an angle. There was a questioning look in his eyes. I could have pulled away, could have gotten out of the truck, but my body leaned toward his. Our mouths touched, soft at first, testing, like we were trying to remember what we liked, then we grew more confident and the kiss deepened. I gave over to it this time, and Ryan cupped the back of my head, pressed his body closer. I lifted my arm, wrapped it around his back, kneading the hard muscles along his shoulder blade. He groaned into my mouth, “Toni.” And I felt an answering ache in my body, a desire to be even closer, skin against skin.
His hand caressed my lower back, the cool summer air making me shiver as he lifted my shirt slightly, his hand now coming around to the side of my ribs, stroking up toward my breast, his thumb grazing the underside. My body broke out in goose bumps.
I shifted my weight, pushed him back against the seat, and straddled him, grinding my hips forward, pressing against him. He moaned again into my mouth, his warm hands around my waist. Then he slid them up and covered my breasts. I caught my breath, grabbed the back of his hair, tilting his head back, getting rough with my kissing, feeling angry all of a sudden, a violent urge in my body. He reached up and grabbed some of my hair, pulling my head to the side, kissing my neck and my ear, whispering, “God, I’ve missed you.”
I covered his mouth again with mine, shushing the sentiments, the affection, but the words echoed, and I thought about all the years we’d been apart, and then there were tears all of a sudden because I remembered the last time we’d been together, in the woods, while Nicole was being murdered. I couldn’t stop the tears now and had to pull away, covering my face with my hands.
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Ryan tugged my hands away, but I couldn’t look at him.