“True,” my mother nodded, “but if she did love him surely she wouldn’t let him give up this chance. He can’t be that stupid can he?” she muttered to herself as she rubbed her forehead. I wandered out into the backyard and sat on the back step idly patting Sadie, our cocker spaniel. Shit, this was heavy. I knew I was the girl and part of me wanted to jump off the step and punch the air. He’d missed me, he did love me. I was thoroughly thrilled with myself and trying to stifle the huge grin threatening to cover my face when the phone rang again. I walked to the door to listen to the conversation.
“Well, where is he now? Well find him, go out and find him and then what did you say? What! He’s going to marry this bimbo…for heaven’s sake…he said what!…Good god, he’s lost his fucking mind…yes I know…hang on I will see. Natasha, have you heard from Josh?” I shook my head. ”Yes you’re probably right, they are close. If he rings you, tell him to ring home everyone is frantic.” I nodded in agreement. “Seriously Jack if you have to get in a plane and kick his ass all the way to America you do it, he can’t screw this up. He will thank you in years to come.” My elation was very quickly turning to shit. I went into my room, shut the door and threw myself on the bed. Shit Josh, this is extreme. I jumped up suddenly to check my phone to see if he had rung me. No, nothing. Poor Josh. All that pressure and now he’d taken off. Maybe I should ring him? I checked my phone again, still nothing. I hoped he was ok. This was a total fuck up, shit what was I going to do? I started to pace in my room, shaking my hands as if they were cold. Should I ring him? Maybe, no he doesn’t need my interference. Three hours later I was so worried I had started dry retching. I was really starting to freak out. Still pacing in my room, my parents were waiting up to hear if he had been found. It was 12.50 am when I heard my mum’s phone receive a text message. I bounded down the hall.
“Thank god,” my mum smiled. “He’s home. We can all go to bed now.” She put her arm around me and led me to the hall. “He’s safe,” she smiled. I hauled my sorry ass to bed. That night I didn’t sleep. I knew deep in my gut what I had to do if I truly loved Josh. I needed to set him free so he could carry on with his life’s work, but should I tell him the truth? No, then he would make the decision for me. I knew if I was in his position I could never leave him. I wouldn’t have the strength. What if he did stay? Would we last? This I didn’t know. I needed a crystal ball. My dad was right. He would fuck up the rest of his life. The cold hard reality was we couldn’t have a future together, not in our family’s eyes. Oh what to do, what to do. At 5.00 am I came to the heartbreaking decision. I knew what to do and it turned my stomach just thinking about it.
The next day I faked sickness to get the day off school. My parents went to work and I started to pace again, waiting for his call. At one o–clock my phone rang. It was Josh— he thought I was on lunch break. I braced myself.
“Hi,” I answered.
“Hi baby,” he said happily down the phone. Oh shit. “Have you missed me?” he asked.
“Where are you?” I asked.
“At home. I have news” he announced and my heart sank. “I’m coming to Sydney tonight.”
“Why?” I whispered quietly.
“To see you. You didn’t answer my question, have you missed me?”
“Have you?” I whispered again, my voice too hoarse to speak.
“So fucking much I can’t stand it. I think I’ve come up with a solution though. We will talk about it tonight. Pick me up, what time flight will I book?” I stayed silent and closed my eyes…silence again. “Natasha, what’s wrong?” His voice betrayed his worry. I stayed silent. ”Baby are you ok?” he asked quietly.
“Not really,” I whispered past the golf–ball sized lump in my throat. He didn’t know that I knew about his so called solution… again silence…
”Why aren’t you ok?”
”It’s complicated,” I whispered.
“Tell me tonight. We will work it out. I’ll book the flight and text you the details I’ll be there soon.” This was it. I knew to save his future I had to hurt him and rip my heart out in the process, but again I stayed silent, unable to talk without breaking into full–blown sobs.
“Josh you can’t come to Sydney.”
“Why?” he whispered, “why not?”
“It’s not a good idea.”
He stayed silent. This time I could almost hear his brain ticking. “I need to see you,” he snapped.
“No, Josh, you can’t.”
“Why not?” he was getting annoyed.
“I don’t want to see you,” I covered my mouth with my hand so he couldn’t hear my chest quivering with unshed tears.
“You don’t want to see me?” he whispered.
“No, Josh, I don’t,” I lied again. While I closed my eyes, he stayed silent for a minute.
“I don’t believe you,” he yelled. “Have my fucking parents been in your ear?”
“No,” I lied again.
“You know, don’t you?” he snapped.
“Know what?” I acted innocent.
“I’m coming to get you, whether you like it or not,” he yelled. I started to cry, holding my stomach because the pain was unbearable. I dropped to my knees on the lounge room floor and closed my eyes, trying to catch my breath as I stabbed the final knife into my already broken heart.