“Fine,” he said taking the glasses from the counter. “Is this typical of you? You can’t accept an apology and just move on. And you claim to be a grown-up.”
“I’m seconds away from kneeing your crotch, crocky. Trust me, you don’t want to meet the pissed off New Yorker.”
Ian’s eyes went cold and he stepped away. Everyone seemed oblivious to our exchange, except for Jasmine and Julian who watched us quietly and then scattered back into conversation as soon as we joined the rest of them. I poured everyone shots as Ian took out a few trays of food he’d bought from the deli earlier that day. He hadn’t bothered to show up at my house until he saw the taxi drop the guys off. He’d avoided me all week and with each day I grew more resentful of the fact that he wanted it that way.
Hours later, all four guys and Jasmine sat at my kitchen table with cigars and played poker. Jasmine was holding her own, thumping a cigar in the air and taking man-sized tugs as her and Julian eye fucked. Ian glanced at me every so often as I kept busy cleaning and airing out the house of the pungent smell. I felt like an old lady, drinking my wine off in the corner as everyone laughed and took shots. I had piped in here and there, but it was Jasmine who remained the life of the party. I was happy to give her that title as my spine prickled with nervous energy.
Not tonight. Come on, not tonight.
I kept busy, drinking a little more wine than I should as the music got louder and the voices more animated.
“Guys!” Jasmine shouted. “Listen!”
The guys looked between each other, a few leaning in.
After a few seconds, she harrumphed. “It’s “Roxanne””
The Police were playing the well-known song as she nudged Julian’s shoulder. “Let’s play the game.” She looked over at me with a ‘please’ on her face. “Koti! Will you get us some fresh beers?”
“I’ll get them,” Ian offered, ashing his cigar in the tray and glancing my way. I kept my eyes on his and didn’t let them stray until Jasmine squealed. “Hurry!”
Ian brought the beers back and passed them out and Julian spoke up. “Okay, so how does it go?”
“Easy,” Jasmine said, pouring more Patron into shot glasses. “Every time he sings Roxanne, you have to take a drink.”
The guys all grinned at her, amused, and she rolled her eyes. “Yes, the rules are that simple. You G.I. Joes won’t be so smug when you realize how hard it is to keep up. Now, get ready. And don’t stop tilting those beers until he stops.”
She lifted a shot and as soon as Sting got to the chorus, all the beers were tipped, except for Ian’s. He was glaring at me openly now, his eyes focused on my hand fidgeting with my necklace. I broke out in a mild sweat, as they all downed their beers.
“We need more, Koti? Please,” Jasmine said, trapped behind the table with Marines on either side of her. I nodded and quickly did her bidding before the next chorus. They all kept up with the song, downing four beers each, along with the free-flowing shots Jasmine poured. When a new hand was dealt, Ian excused himself, sprang from his seat and stalked toward me.
“Stop with the grudge, Koti. I said I was sorry.”
“Okay,” I said with a shrug. “You’re sorry. It’s fine. I’m not saying anything.”
“No, you’ve just been standing alone in the facking kitchen all night.”
“I’m taking care of your company.”
“No one asked you to.”
“Well, this is my house and I’m hosting. It’s fine. We’re good. Just go enjoy yourself.”
“Fine, Eish! I’m so over this,” he hissed taking his seat and giving me one last eye full of ‘you’re the asshole’ before he turned his attention back to his friends. An hour later, I was scrubbing my countertops in an attempt to drown out the noise when the familiar pang hit me.
“Come on, not now,” I begged as one of the guys—I think it was Drew—yelled out a loud bark and the music was turned up. Jumping out of my skin, I took long breaths. “It’s just a party. Jesus, Koti, calm down.”
But I couldn’t as my chest began rising and falling rapidly. The blood drained from my face as I rushed out of the house without trying to direct any attention my way.
Yards away from the house I sat on the cool sand, closed my eyes, and began to count.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
“Koti?”
“Not now, okay. Please just leave me alone.”
“Jesus, it was a dick move. I’ve apologized. I don’t know what else to say!”
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
“Koti, damnit,” he barked moving to squat in front of me. “Look at me.”
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
“Ian, I’m having a moment, okay. Please, please leave me alone.”
Air burst out of me as I began hyperventilating.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
I breathed in sync with the sound of the waves and barely heard Ian’s pleas to try to help.
“Tell me what to do. Can you tell me how to help?”
I concentrated on my breathing and was only faintly aware when he sat next to me.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
The music stirred me back to life as all the energy drained from me. I concentrated on my breathing again until all I could hear were the waves. After a few moments, Ian spoke up.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“What triggered it? The noise? Fighting with me?”
“Yes, that or the fact that I’ve been on edge all week because of the fight with my parents. Or high tide. Ian, it could be anything,” I said as my body began to shut down and my limbs felt like lead attached to me.
“So, you’re okay now?”
“Yep.”
“That was a good one?”
I laughed ironically. “If there is such a thing, yes, that was a smaller one.”
His voice was stone. “Okay.”
He stood and made his way toward the house.
“What’s pissed you off now, Kemp?”
“Nothing, I’ll get the party outside. I’ll build a fire.”
“Fine.”
“Fine. Well, that seems to be the word for the day.”
“It’s a good word,” I smarted toward his back. He turned on me so quickly I stumbled in the sand.
“I didn’t want this! I spent fifteen fucking years catering to another woman’s happiness and most of it was miserable. Just for once I wanted to think about me! And only me! But no, I’ve spent a majority of my night with my best bra’s worrying about you, and how you feel, and if you’re angry. If I’ve said the wrong thing or if you’ll ever speak to me again!”
My eyes bulged. “You do hear what you’re saying, right?”
“I know how selfish it sounds and that’s the point!”
I swallowed as he took angry strides toward me. “You just couldn’t take an apology, so we could move past it. No! Instead, you make me feel terrible for existing. I can’t win! I didn’t want this! I don’t want to care about your feelings more than my own. I don’t want to be responsible for your moods. I just wanted some damned freedom!”
“Whoa,” I said, my head spinning with his wrath. Incredulous, I shook my head.
Three points to a good argument, Koti!
“Number one. Whoa. First of all, Tiger, you came to my island to implode and I rearranged everything to suit you. Number two, for you. Number three, because of the way you felt and what was happening to you. Which was what? Did you get bent out of shape over a hangnail, because everything seems to set you off.”
His jaw ticked as he took another step toward me.
“It would do you good to mind your mouth about things you know absolutely nothing about.”
“Only because you won’t tell me!”
“That’s right I won’t and that’s my choice.”
“Whatever. And by the way professor, your oh-so-polite way of telling me to shut up, isn’t going to fly. I left my parents’ in New York and even they don’t hold that right anymore. I shut up for NO MAN!”
“No, but you would never tell your parents that, would you? Instead, you hide!”
“Oh, you go to HELL!”
“Right back at you, love!”
We were chest to chest as I stumbled with exhaustion.
“I’m not going to coddle you from the truth, Koti.”