Oh shit.
“Mom,” my voice was shaking. I could feel the rattle begin in my brain. “Look at me, please.”
Hurt and anger coursed through me as I pleaded to keep the situation from escalating further. “Please don’t fight. I never wanted to disappoint you. I love you both so much. Please don’t do this.”
She looked over to me as I begged her once again to try to understand. “I will never live up to what you want me to be. Ever. This won’t change. I’m not changing my mind and I can’t change yours. Don’t ruin what you have with daddy because you think I failed you. He didn’t disappoint you, I did. But I can’t let your ridiculous expectations ruin another minute of my life. If you can’t be proud of me this way, please just leave.”
“Blair, let’s go.”
Blair Vaughn stood five foot, nine inches of relentless beauty and never-ending expectation “The hell I will, we aren’t done talking.”
Twin tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked at my mother and accepted our fate. “I’m done, Mom. Please try to understand. I’m done.”
“We’re leaving. Blair, go get your bags.”
“Daddy, you don’t have to leave. Please, can we please just try to enjoy our time together?”
“We aren’t done discussing this!”
My father turned on her, his eyes cold. “Now, Blair, damn you! This is the last time you make our daughter feel unworthy of your love. Do you hear me? This is the last time. She’s a grown woman and old enough to choose her own happiness. Give it up and go get your things. We’re leaving!”
My mother swallowed as incredulous tears built up in her eyes.
“Now, Blair, go!”
We both jumped at the anger in his voice. Her eyes flitted to mine and I saw the rest of our ties start to snap. “Mom,” I called after her as she slammed the front door shut behind her.
Unable to handle the idea that I’d caused a rift between my parents, I pleaded with my dad who was shaking as he stared at the ocean. “Daddy, I’m so sorry.”
He took a few steadying breaths before he pulled me into his arms. “I know. Jesus, Koti, I feel so responsible. I should have stopped this shit years ago, I’m so sorry.”
“I hid it, Dad. I hid it from you both. This is just the way she is, she’ll never get it and that’s not your fault either.”
He pulled back and searched my eyes. “I’m proud of you anyway. Always. I hope you know that. I’m so proud of you. I’m so sorry you had to save yourself, but so proud you did.”
We cried together on the porch as my mother slammed her way through the house.
Licking the tears from my lips I apologized again, the guilt of what was in store for him hard to bear. “I’m sorry, I just can’t cater to her anymore.”
“I know. Just be happy. I know it’s hard to believe, but I think a majority of this is because she wants you home.”
“Daddy,” I said tearfully as I pulled away, “I am home.”
I sat on my porch hours after my parents left. My father’s tearful goodbye on the forefront of my mind. There was a rift between my mother and I that may never be repaired, at least not in a way it would mend anytime in the foreseeable future. Though I was finally okay with it, I knew it had just broken his heart and ripped his family apart. And the sad part was, only the two of us knew it to be true. My mother would forever maintain this was my fault.
“Hey.”
Ian walked up to the bottom step and looked up at me.
“Hey.”
“Your parents left?”
“Yeah. Feel free to move about the cabin.” The smile I offered was weak. “Sorry about that impromptu visit. They won’t be back.”
Ian winced. “That bad?”
“It always was.”
He made his way on the porch and sat on the hammock.
Unexpected anger surfaced. “I don’t need you to be here to tell me it’s okay.”
“Then I won’t tell you it’s okay.”
“How’s this? I don’t want you here. And you didn’t want to be here, remember?”
Ian flinched, pulling himself up from the hammock. He nodded, sliding his hands in his shorts before moving toward his house.
“Ian?”
He stared at the sand but stopped walking.
“You need to be out by Thursday. You can take the room.”
“I can get a hotel.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’ve invited some friends to the island.”
I wiped a tear from my eyes. “It’s fine, I have the space.”
“Koti…”
“It’s fine.”
He nodded before he disappeared down the beach.
IT WAS FUN WHILE IT lasted, right?
Fuck me. I was an unbelievable asshole. She’d been there to hold my hand and I’d practically burned hers when she needed mine. That sort of guilt was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid. For once in my life, I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s well-being and I should have been satisfied she’d let me off the hook. But that wasn’t what bothered me. What bothered me was that I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to sit next to her and hold her hand. I wanted to kiss her worries quiet and pull her back into our bubble. Stomping down the sand with thoughts of her had me rattling with disquiet and threatened the peace I’d only just found. I glanced at her house in the distance with no idea what state she was in. If the devastation on her face and the quiet tears she was trying to hide were any indication, she was in a world of hurt.
“You’re a son of a bitch, Ian Kemp,” I muttered as my phone buzzed in my pocket. Reluctantly I answered. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hello, darling. How are you?”
“Good, I’m good.”
“I’m calling because I’m afraid we’re going to have to cancel our trip to see you. Your father has developed a case of the shingles. Terrible. He’s hurting something awful.”
“Shit, I’m sorry.”
“I am too. I was looking so forward to seeing you. Maybe we can meet you and Ella next time you come home?”
“Sounds good. Give my best to dad.”
“Not so fast, son. Tell me how you are really.”
“I’m fine.”
“Bullshit.”
I chuckled because a curse out of Rowan Kemp was rare and sounded totally out of place.
“Tell me what upset you.”
“I can’t. Just trust me that I can’t talk about it yet. Soon. Okay?”
“Okay?” My mother was a warrior, solely devoted to her love of family. I couldn’t imagine life without her support and as I looked at the lifeless house next to mine, I was saddened for Koti that she hadn’t experienced the same.
“Mom…”
“Yes?”
“I just want you to know I love you. And I’m a lucky bastard to have you as a mother.”
“Oh, God. You aren’t going to hurt yourself, are you?”
“No, of course—”
“Ian, don’t do this to me, to Ella. Don’t do anything rash. You have so much waiting for you here.”
Though untimely because of her worry, I couldn’t help my laughter. “I obviously need to tell you these things more often. Of course, I’m not going to do anything like that.”
“Promise me, Ian. If things get so bad you have those thoughts…”
“That worry is unnecessary I assure you, but I promise. Take care of Dad and I’ll call you soon.”
“Liar, you never phone.”
“Once a week, that’s a new promise.”
Her sarcasm leaked over the line. “I’ll believe that, sure.”
“I’ll make you a believer.”
“How are you and Koti getting along?”
“Fine,” I said with a grimace. “We’ve been doing a lot of catching up.” Though wildly inappropriate while speaking with my mother, I couldn’t help to think of the look in her eyes when I had her clinging to me just a day before.
“You know we saw her last year. The poor thing looked malnourished. She’s so beautiful though, don’t you think?”
“I do,” I said as gravel filled my throat. “Very beautiful.”
“Yes, a little bit dazzling.”
“Dazzling…” I faltered as Koti walked out of her house and began to light her candles before reggae started drifting through her speakers.
“She’s such a beautiful spirit. Maybe you could take her out sometime? From what your dad and I saw, she doesn’t venture out much.”