I'm keen to hit the shops and keep busy, Gabriel has been so good to me, I don't want him to know how upset I am about taking all my stuff from my house this morning. It's another step closer to the end of my marriage and I still have to get to grips with this and the speed with which I've landed in this new relationship. It didn't go unnoticed that he had said earlier, ‘Let's go home’ and not ‘let's go back to mine’ I'm feeling a bit panicky about the speed with which my feelings are growing for him and I don't want to delay the work needing to be done on my new place so it’s ready in time for me to move into at the weekend, the longer I stay with Gabe, the faster my feelings are freefalling towards wanting things to work out between us and I really don’t know if that is what I need right now, I’m so confused and being so close to him doesn’t allow me to think clearly.
I think I need to put some space between us. I'm aware of how much I like him and I don't want my feelings to grow stronger, I know deep down, he's way out of my league and despite all that he's said, I still have this nagging doubt that I'm just another notch on his bedpost, despite all of his reassurances. Basically I’m an emotional mess and I need a chance to draw breath.
“Right, I'm no longer naked; shall we go and look at paint and flooring?”
Gabe’s taken a beer from the fridge and has sat on a bar stool at the kitchen bench.
“Sit down for a sec' I wanna talk to you about something” he motions to the stool next to him with his beer. He takes a swig and tilts his head to one side, looking at me. He's holding the bottle under his chin, with his index finger tapping on his lips, he looks serious, and I see his Adams Apple move as he swallows, hard, as I climb up on the stool.
“I’ve been thinking” he says “or wondering, what do you think is going to happen, long term I mean, what do you see, for us?”
Here we go, the moving too quickly speech, lets slow things down, all of my bullshit and freaking out is too much for him. I don't know what to answer so simply say “I have no idea” My heart rate is increasing rapidly and I start to feel sick, he wants to end things, he’s guessed the depth of my feelings, I must be so obvious, whiney, needy, a complete mess basically but c'est la vie and all that, I'm a big girl, I will just pull up my big girl pants and get on with my life.
Yeah right who am I kidding? He is not the type of man one ever gets over, ever.
“Lauren. Laaaauuuuuurrrrrren are you listening to me?” he's waving his beer bottle in front of my face as he speaks
“Do you want me to go?” I ask him. What a mess, what a fucking mess my life has become.
“No Lauren, I don't want you to go, why would you say that? I love having you here, I don't want you to go now and I don't want you to go at the weekend” He says, he's now got a bemused look on his face and is shaking his head.
“What do you mean, go where at the weekend?” I'm totally confused, what am I missing
“I don't want you to move out of here and into the unit at the weekend. I want you to stay here, with me; if you want to?”
He’s speaking to me like I'm a child.
“You want me to move in here, with you, not the unit, here?” And it seems to be catching as I now sound like a child.
“Are you right?” he asks
“How many times do I need to repeat myself? Would you, like to move, in here, with me?”
Wow. Not what I was expecting. I'm lost for words, yes, it does happen, occasionally!
CHAPTER NINE
“Would you get me a drink please? It's a job and half getting up and down off these stools, they really weren't made with short people in mind” I'm waffling, talking complete nonsense as I try to compose myself. Gabe’s looking at me like I’m totally mad, he shakes his head slightly, he’s probably regretting more and more asking me to move in.
“What would you like to drink?”
“A glass of wine please”
He goes to the fridge and pour’s my drink and gets himself another beer. When he returns to the bench he leans on one elbow in front of me, his hand under his chin. I'm unnerved by his closeness to me and he knows it. I can see the hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth as he watches me, my breathing getting heavier. I take a sip of my wine, there's barely enough room to tilt my glass the space between us is so small. His smile becomes more obvious as he awaits my response. I take a deep breath
“I left my husband less than a week ago, I have no money, no job, I have a shit load of issues and a husband who will be rampaging through the streets looking for me, once he realises what I've done today and you want me to move in here with you?”
He does the head tilt and blows out a sigh so big that it moves my hair as well as his own. “I’m fully aware of the facts Lauren, I know when you left your husband, and I know why you left him, I'm aware of your financial situation and your employment status. I'm beginning to realise that yes you are a bit of a mental case but is it any wonder, after what you've been through and just so you know, with regard to your husband, I don't give a flying fuck about him or what he does. But apart from all of that, what I fail to see is what any of this has to do with our living arrangements. We are two consenting adults, we enjoy each other’s company and find each other physically attractive, where is the issue?”
“You make it sound very easy, like a list and I tick enough of the boxes, cold almost, no emotion involved and I don't understand, why me, why would you want me?”
“Lauren” He lets out another huff after he says my name; I’m pissing him off, I’m pissing me off so I’m really not surprised.
“You’re seriously starting to piss me off now”