Told ya!
“What do I need to say, how can I make you understand what I feel, there is nothing cold about us or me when your around and I assure you there are plenty of emotions involved, I've loved waking up with you these past few mornings, I've loved going to bed with you at night, I'm sorry if I've made the facts sound cold, I'm just stating ... Well, stating the facts. I don't want you to go off and live in that unit on your own, I want you to stay here with me, I want to keep you safe, away from Jason. I want you in my life; I want you to be a part of my life, tell me how to make this clearer and I’ll do it, I just want you, here, with me, all the time. I know it’s all happening a bit fast but so what, let’s just go with it, see where it takes us”
I don’t really process half of what he’s just told me before I open my mouth and why I say what I do next is beyond me.
“I will be safe, he's not a monster Gabe and in his own way, he does love me”
Why am I defending my husband?
“Lauren. Take a look at yourself, if he's not a monster, then why the fuck are you sitting here battered and bruised, why did you run out of your home last Friday, in the middle of the night with just the clothes on your back, why did we sneak into his house while he was out this morning to get your stuff. If he's not a monster, why the fuck are you still here, why haven't you gone back to him, fuck Lauren you need to give your head a wobble and get the fuck real. If you don't want to move in here with me, that's fine but do yourself a favour sweet heart and wake up to the fact, it’s not normal and it’s not right for a husband to hit his wife!”
He's so angry and right in my face and I know that everything he has just said is right but it’s so hard for me to accept and admit this, because if I do, what does it say about me, my marriage and the way I've lived my life the last quarter of a century? He drains his bottle and goes to the fridge; he pulls out the wine and tops up my glass, then pulls a whisky tumbler off the shelf and a bottle of bourbon out of the cupboard and pours a lot more than the standard shot.
Shit, whiskey in the day. This isn't good. I'm absolutely silent and can't even look at him. He lifts my chin so that I have no choice but to meet his eye. Just one finger, that's our only contact but it’s there, that tingle, that current and it hits me right between the legs, despite the drama, the tension and the conversation that's unfolding, this feeling, longing, need, whatever the fuck it is, is overriding it all and I have to close my eyes for a second to try and compose myself.
“You feel it don't you, it's not just me; so why are you defending him and fighting me Lauren? I'm at a loss to work you out sometimes darl, I don't know what my role is here, do you have any feelings for me at all or am I just your protector for the next few weeks to save you from Jason? Let me know now and save me from myself please, because right now, right now I feel like I'm drowning. I want you Lauren, like I have never wanted any woman, I want you in every way, I really don't care about all the shit you have going on, I will take that too, as long as I have you. I miss you even when we're not in the same room, I miss your smile, your warmth, your humour, your smell and I don't want you to live anywhere other than with me”
He draws breath but he's not finished yet, his eyes haven’t left mine, he closes them for a few seconds and says very quietly, “you do things to me Lauren, things that no woman has ever done, you do things to me here”
And he points at his head,
“And here” his stomach
“You do amazing things to me down here” he smiles as he says this and points to his crutch and I smile, just a little bit, too.
He takes my glass out of my hand and continues “but most of all, the biggest effect of all, is what you do to me here” he places my hand, palm down, flat, on his beating heart.