Something to discuss? Shit what does that mean and I was snoring? Bollocks, I know that I snore, god he must be wondering what he's getting himself into. A wrinkly old lady, with a saggy belly, who snores like a drunken wharfie, was probably not part of his life plan!
I find a box of cornflakes in the pantry, add some ice cold milk and sugar and tuck in. Yum, I’d forgotten how good this old favourite tasted. I put on the TV and channel surf through the day time viewing options. Nothing grabs me so I put on a music channel but all of the songs are reminding me of my predicament and set me to thinking and over thinking. Have I fucked up? Do I really want to leave Jay? I do love him, you can't wipe away 26 years of feelings and I wouldn't want to, he's been my best friend for most of my life, he's the father of my children and I will probably love him till the day I die. But I'm no longer in love with him, of that I am sure, I dread him coming home in the evening in case he's in a bad mood, my heart races when he's around through fear not passion or arousal as used to be the case, so for these reasons alone we need to part. And now, on top of all of this, he has all but admitted that he has cheated on me. I don’t know the details, I know I've told him I want a divorce but I really haven't thought that far ahead yet. If he makes an effort to change, would I go back to him? I really don't know the answer to that. Then there's Gabriel, .if I was writing a book and had to write in a love interest, he would fit the role perfectly. If you could design a man to order, he is what mine would look like. Tall, tanned, muscular but not too much. Beautiful blue eyes and hair that has a mind of its own, he has a square jaw and that cute little dimple or cleft or whatever it’s called, right in the middle of his chin. But that's just looks. There’s so much more to him than that handsome face and hot body, I've only known him three days, but he's gone out of his way to show me nothing but kindness. He’s laid his cards on the table and told me he's interested in a relationship. But, do I want or need a relationship right now? Shouldn't I be spending this time getting my head straight and working out what I'm going to do with my life, if, as it would seem now, that my marriage is truly over? And what is it Gabe wants to talk about? Us, is there such a thing as ‘us’ yet? Why do I feel nervous, why am I worried that he might want to end things, when really, things haven't even begun. Or have they? He does have an effect on me. Is that just his good looks and charm or do we really have a connection? There has definitely been a spark since that very first touch but is that enough to base a relationship on? Does he really want a relationship? He told me that first night he doesn’t do relationships. My head is swimming with all of these thoughts. I go and fetch a pillow from the bedroom and head back to the sofa and pull a fleecy throw over me. I play a game on my phone, look at my Facebook, and decide just for the time being, I will deactivate my account. Jason doesn’t use Facebook but even so, I don’t want anyone posting anything on there about Gabe and run the chance of Jay finding out, I flick the TV back on and find an old, old film to watch. Gas Light, staring Ingrid Bergman, a favourite of mine. The next thing I'm aware of is my phone vibrating next to me. It stops and I wake myself up.
“Shit” I mumble to myself, picking up my phone I realise that I've slept for four hours. Mending bones and healing bruises is exhausting work! The call is from Gabriel and he promptly calls back,
“Hey” I answer on a yawn.
“You okay, where were you, I've called twice?”
“Yeah, I'm fine; I was sleeping and the phones on silent”
I smile as I speak. Aw he was worried. “I was gonna call round, you need anything?”
“Well, there's still no food here, I've had cornflakes today because that's all I could find but I really fancy steak”
“Steak?”
“Yeah, steak” What’s wrong with steak, I wonder? “I'll give you the money for it”
“Lauren, I'm not worried about the money, it just seems a strange request, from a girl, I thought you might say, Macas or chocolate. Girlie food”
“Well yeah and some chocolate please but I'm not a girl, I'm a woman, I grew out of burgers years ago, girls eat burgers. Women eat steak and my taste is firmly with steak, why is it a strange request, don't you eat steak?”
“Lauren I'm Australian. Of course I eat steak and I don't know why it was strange. I’m glad you like steak and I’m glad you’re a woman, not a girl. And I’m glad you’re my woman. I'm glad you like real food and I am glad you like meat” And I can hear the smile in his voice. He obviously picked up on all the innuendo in our conversation