“We’re so sorry about your dad.”
My throat closed.
“We all are,” Lauren added. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my dad, you’re so strong.”
I wasn’t and I felt myself dip under the water.
Josie, a girl I thought who would help me, said, “If there’s anything we can do…”
“Have you thought about planting a tree? We did that for my grandad,” Valarie said.
I wanted to run. The room felt tiny, I felt tiny. Everyone looked at me, waiting to see if they’d helped. They meant well but it wasn’t helping. I didn’t want to talk about it.
“Um, I’ll think about it,” I replied, wrapping my arms around my stomach, holding myself together.
“Tell us if there’s anything, hun. I know what you’re going through,” Alsa said.
Closing my eyes, I tried to block them out. It was painful. Their words felt like burns on my skin. They were constant reminders of how much I’d lost and it hurt so much it took my breath away.
“Tegan, you okay?” Josie asked. “Shall I get someone?”
I wanted to ask for my dad.
Opening my eyes, I stood up and replied, “No, I’m fine, just need the bathroom.” I rushed to the ladies and closed myself in the closest stall. No one was in here, thankfully. Leaning back against the graffiti wall, I slumped to the floor.
I’m okay, I chanted over and over, trying to convince myself. My heart ached. Why my dad? He’d never done anything bad in his life. He was a good person and now he was gone and I was drowning. The day had started well but I just wanted to run now. I wasn’t sure if I could do this and I didn’t just mean school.
Chapter Forty
Lucas
I sat in the lounge watching football with dad and Jake. My life had recently revolved around Tegan and worrying about her. I felt like I’d turned into a shit son. Dad was still a priority and I spent a lot of time stressing over how he was doing and what could happen but I felt like I hadn’t been around for him as much as I should.
I hated that she’d had a shit week at sixth form. We all came straight back a weekend early to support them all. Alison, Ava and Tegan were so important to us so there was no question that we were packing up and coming early.
Alison was upset that Tegan was having a hard time settling back in. Apparently, she came home every day in a worse mood than usual. I’d noticed a difference, too. Her phone calls were shorter and she was distant.
Watching the game with Dad and Jake used to be something I looked forward to but all I wanted was to be upstairs with her. But I didn’t go up, she needed space, I needed space and I wanted to show Dad that I was there for him. Of course whenever I apologised to him he told me to shut up. He just wanted things to go back to normal when we’d do our own thing. Things couldn’t be normal, though.
“Luke, focus,” Jake said, nudging me in my ribs with his elbow. I turned my attention back to the television and tried to watch the game.
“Fuck off, Jake.”
“Easy,” Dad said. “You wanted to relax, Lucas, so do it. If you’d rather be with Tegan then go up there, neither of us are going to hold it against you.”
Jake grinned. “We’ll take the piss, you loved up mug, but we won’t be arseholes about it.”
“Oh, good,” I replied sarcastically. “I’ll check on her at half time.”
Mum, Grace, Alison and Ava sat in the conservatory, occasionally looking in our direction through the window so we knew what they were talking about. I wondered if Grace shared her reservations about me and Tegan with anyone else.
She didn’t really want us to be together until Tegan got herself straight. The more she said it to me the more I worried that she was right. I didn’t want to be the reason she wasn’t moving forwards. We’d got together quickly and things were serious straight away but I thought I could help her. I wasn’t convinced I was helping anymore.
The game stopped for half time and I went upstairs to find her and see how she was doing. No matter how much she pretended she was okay everyone knew the truth. Tegan was struggling and struggling much more than we probably assumed. At this point I had no idea what to do for the best.
She wasn’t in her bedroom but the covers looked like she’d been in bed.
“Tegan?” I called out, getting no reply. We’d have seen her if she’d come downstairs. I left her room and headed to the bathroom. The door was ajar.
I saw the blood first and as I pushed the door open I saw my girlfriend lying on the floor. Every muscle in my body locked up.
Her eyes were closed, red and puffy. Her face was stained with tears. The small pool of blood came from a gash on her wrist, the razor blade discarded next to her pale, lifeless body.