He sat next to me, drawing my attention back to him while what I assumed was his Mum, brother and sister sat over on the other side of the room. They all looked alike, the same shade of light brown hair and light green eyes.
“I’m Lucas,” he said, giving me a warm smile. His voice was deep but friendly. I didn’t want to talk to him, as nice as he seemed. I didn’t feel that I could even hold a conversation right now. I wanted to be far, far away. The others didn’t say anything, just sat there and twiddled their thumbs or started clock watching.
“Tegan,” I whispered, clearing my sore throat.
“Are you here alone, Tegan?”
I shook my head. “No, they’re saying…goodbye.”
I didn’t see his reaction but it took him a minute to talk again. “You’re not?”
“Can’t.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw him nod his head.
We fell into silence, which suited me fine, but I could tell he was searching for something to say. Maybe he needed to keep busy to pass the time? “Are you okay?” I asked.
He nodded, though his eyes told me otherwise. “Yeah. Do you want to talk about it?”
No. I didn’t want it to be happening, and I certainly didn’t want to talk about it. I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself.
“Okay,” he said.
We sat mostly in silence, until Mum and Ava came back, clinging to each other and crying. Nan, Grandad and Sam were just behind. I didn’t move. Lucas’s mum, who’d tried to talk to me a few times, stood up.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” she said.
They’d managed to get that much out of me. They knew I’d lost my dad.
“Thank you,” Mum whispered, frowning and taking my hand.
“I’m Emily. Your daughter told us what happened. If there’s anything we can do? A lift home?”
“Alison. Thank you but I’ve got my car.” Taking a deep, composing breath, Mum asked, “Are you okay, Emily?”
“I’m not sure. I should be. I am. I’m scared. My husband’s needed a heart transplant for six months and he’s finally getting it.”
I sank deeper into the water.
Chapter Two
Tegan
I woke up and the pain of missing Dad hit me hard again, same as ever morning since he died. Getting out of bed took a hell of a lot of effort and I could quite happily stay curled up under the covers all day.
When I got to the bottom of the stairs was when I heard Mum and Ava talking and crying together in the living room. That was the same every day, too. It’d been four days since his funeral and I hadn’t been able to cry since. Something was wrong with me. Dad meant everything to me, he was the person I turned to, the one that made sense of the world, and the one that taught and guided me. He would’ve told me what to do but he was gone and I didn’t even know how to grieve. I was a zombie.
I turned the corner and saw them huddled up on the sofa together. They helped each other so much. Mum was to Ava what Dad was to me. She would be okay. Mum was holding her up. She was trying to do that for me, too, but I just felt disconnected. All I knew was that it hurt so much more than words could describe and nothing was helping to ease it at all.
Dad’s things were all over the house. I wanted to hide every single thing that reminded me of him but they wanted them around. They wanted to feel close to Dad and I wished I could forget.
“Tegan,” Mum said, holding her hand out. “Come here, sweetheart.”
My stomach turned. I didn’t want to sit with them, hear them talking about him and crying. I hated when my mum cried. She was the strong one; my parents had always kept a strong front for me and Ava. Mum didn’t cry in front of us and right now she was a mess. Every time I saw that look in her eye or heard her sobbing I felt like I was being ripped open all over again. It wasn’t enough that I lost my dad but my mum had to be in pain, too. It wasn’t fair.
“I-I need a drink,” I said, spinning around and making a run for the kitchen.
Breathing heavily over the sink, I took deep breaths to try to calm my queasy stomach.
On the counter was another frozen meal defrosting. People brought us food. Mum’s friends came every couple of days since he died with meals. Everyone was too nice. I wanted things to be normal, not for people to look at me in sympathy.
“Tegan, you okay?” Ava asked.
I turned around and looked in her tear-stained eyes. “I’m fine.”
I wasn’t fine. I was drowning, but the person that could tell me how to stop was gone.
“I’m thinking of going out today, there’s only so long I can spend looking at the same four walls. You want to come? It might be good for all of us to get out of the house, take our mind off everything.”
That was what I wanted. I wanted my mind somewhere else, somewhere my dad hadn’t died and I didn’t feel like I was so completely lost and alone.
“Yeah, I’ll come.”