When I came around the doctor was kneeling above me with my mum at the other side, sobbing hysterically. It hit me like a bus. Dad’s gone.
A crushing, stabbing pain pierced through my body as I lay on the rough carpet. No. No, he couldn’t die. He couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to lose him, I should be in my sixties, not fucking seventeen.
I opened my mouth but the suffocating pain stopped any sound coming out. I was plunged into ice-cold water, sinking lower and lower while the doctor tried to get a response from me.
I couldn’t lose him. It already felt so painful I could barely breathe. How could I do it? The thought of getting off the floor made me want to curl up in a ball and stop existing.
“Tegan,” Mum sobbed.
In a trance I sat up, falling straight into her lap. Her arms curled around me and we cried together. It was the first time Mum had really held me since I was a little kid.
“Mrs Pennells?” the doctor said once she was satisfied I was okay. “I’m sorry to have to bring this up now but I’d like to talk to you about organ donation if that’s okay?”
I froze again and felt Mum nod against the top of my head. “Simon would want that. Do you need me to sign anything?”
“No, he carried a donor card. I just wanted to make sure you’re aware that your husband is doing an incredible thing for others.”
My mind finally pieced together exactly what that meant. His organs were going to be cut out. No! I wanted to stand up and scream. I couldn’t move an inch. They couldn’t cut him apart and take anything out of him. His heart? Were they taking his heart? That belonged to us. My dad was a person, not a body they could just take things out of. He was my dad and I wanted him whole. I wanted him back.
“Would you like to stay here and say goodbye when he’s out of surgery?” she asked. When he’d had his organs removed, she meant. I didn’t want to see my dad dead.
“Yes, I need to see my child,” Nan said between heavy sobs.
“Of course. I’ll come back soon.”
Nothing was said as we waited for the surgeons to remove God knows what. Was there a limit to what they could take? Dad would have his wishes listed but what if they took everything anyway? No one would know. I didn’t even know he was a registered donor. Why didn’t he tell me that so I had some warning? Mum and Ava didn’t look at all surprised, they knew.
I stayed curled up on Mum’s lap the whole time they were cutting his organs out. Mum must have been uncomfortable – I was – but neither of us had the energy to move.
“Mum,” I whispered, barely recognising my own voice.
“Y-Yes?” I didn’t know what I wanted to ask. I needed her to tell me they got it wrong. I needed her to tell me that Dad was okay and would walk into the room any second. I wanted my dad. “Shh, we’re going to be okay,” she whispered. Liar.
Dad was the heart of our family. Nothing was going to be okay.
Time passed, I didn’t know how much, but the doctor came back for us.
“Mrs Pennells? If you’d like to follow me you can come through now.”
I looked up through blurred eyes and shook my head. I didn’t want to see him like that.
Mum took a deep breath and stood up, lifting me with her. “You need to, Tegan. You have to say goodbye.”
No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to tell the most important person in my life goodbye. “I don’t want to,” I replied, sitting down on a chair.
“Are you sure, sweetheart?” Nan asked, kneeling in front of me.
“I don’t want to say goodbye.” Why the fuck couldn’t they understand that? My stomach turned and bile burned my throat. Sobs racked my body as I tried to stop crying. It hurt so much. I needed it to stop.
Nan nodded. “Okay, I’ll stay with you.”
“No, you go. You want to, and I want to be alone.”
There was no way I was going to be the reason Nan didn’t get to say bye to her son. I sat on the chair, gripping the seat painfully and forced myself to breathe deeply.
It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.
I was fooling myself but I couldn’t help it. I desperately wanted to believe it could be okay, that I would get through it. I was scared for the next few days, weeks and months. I didn’t want to miss him. How would I deal with not seeing or speaking to him again? I breathed deeply through my nose, clenching my stomach muscles, just trying to stop from curling up and dying, too.
“Are you okay?” someone asked.
I jerked and looked up. A tall guy, maybe a few years older than me with ash brown hair towered over me. He looked down, eyes full of concern.
“No, I don’t… I…” I’m drowning. I wanted it to stop. I wanted my heart to stop hurting, I wanted to shout and scream and hide. I felt like I itched all over, like my skin was crawling, like I was being held down and bugs were crawling all over me. I was too hot, too cold, too empty and alone.