I put the little brown vessel, containing, quite possibly, life changing material, on the desk in front of Rachel, she unscrews the lid and removes it, tearing the two sticks she has waiting in front of her from their sterile packaging, she dips them both in. My heart is hammering so hard I’m surprised nobody else in the room can hear it. I wonder what my blood pressure is right now.
“This will just take a couple of minutes” She says with a smile glad she can smile, I still want to vomit, instead I look at Gabe, he’s grinning from ear to ear.
“What?” I ask with a frown.
“Nothing” He shakes his head, grinning like, I don’t know, something that grins a lot, my brain seriously can’t think straight right now. He takes my hand and raises it to his lips and while still wearing his sexy smile, which I’ve got to say, is now starting to piss me off big time, he kisses the back of my hand, then brushes his lips across my knuckles.
“I’m glad you’re feeling so chilled and smiley, because I certainly am not.” He grins even more and I think that I might actually want to punch him.
“Would a baby be such a bad thing?”
What?
Yes!
No!
I don’t know!
“Are you for real? I’m forty-five Gabe; can you imagine the complications my age could cause?”
I shake my head and turn to look at Dr Rachel…NO…NO FUCKING WAY!!!
“Well, you’re definitely pregnant.”
I slump back in my chair, like I’ve just been shot, as the room spins around me, this seriously cannot be happening. Gabe’s grip on my hand tightens.
“Fuck yeah, a baby Lauren, we’re having a fucking baby, that’s just…wow, a baby!”
He doesn’t get it, he’s just not getting it. I take deep breathes in through my nose and let them slowly out of my mouth, this could change everything, us, we would be over, I’m pretty sure of that. Oh God, this is so not good and Gabe’s so happy and celebrating, because he just doesn’t get it.
“Do those things tell you how pregnant I am?” I ask the doctor, she frowns questioningly at me and shakes her head.
“No, I will need to book you in for an ultrasound to confirm your dates, shall I do that now?” Nodding as she speaks. She knows what I’m getting at; I will leave Gabe in the dark until I get the ultrasound done. Rachel makes a call; I know the hospital is only across the street from my surgery and hope they can fit me in ASAP.
“Can you go straight over? They can do it now if you can.” I nod, I’ve not even looked at Gabe yet but I know I need to, else he will pick up on how not happy I am about this news.
I turn towards him, smile painted on. He has his hand over his mouth and he’s looking at me with tears in his eyes, as he says to me very quietly, “A baby Lauren, we’re having a baby.”
There are instant tears on my part and I let out a sob that I can’t keep down any longer. He leans over and wipes my tears away with both his thumbs and just like he did on that first night, he sucks them into his mouth as a single tear slides down his left cheek, the room is in total silence as I lean in and brush it from his face with my right thumb and then suck it into my mouth.
“I love you Lauren, I really. You have no idea.” He’s shaking his head as he speaks to me. I give out a small nervous laugh, I feel traitorous, deceitful. Going along with this, watching him get so excited at the thought of me being pregnant. For now I will play the game, before life, once again, gets ripped out from under us.
“Can I have my knickers please; we have to go outside and cross a road and I don’t really want to risk the chance of tripping while I’m knickerless.”
“For you Princess, anything, are you okay?” I nod and smile, I am so far from okay that mars is probably closer right now but I can’t tell him that.
“Let’s just go and get this ultrasound done Gabe, then we will talk” I feel sick to my stomach. This has the potential to all go so very, very wrong but I don’t want to spoil the high he is obviously riding. A baby, I’m pregnant, I’m forty five and pregnant with my third child, my other two children are twenty four and twenty two, men, grown men. Whatever these scan results reveal, do I want to be pregnant? Do I want to be fifty years old and running around after a five year old? How the fuck did this happen? Well I know the biology of how it happened, I’m not that stupid. Well I am actually stupid, very stupid, I thought I was too old, I thought my baby making days were over. After everything else that’s been thrown at us during our short relationship now this. I leave Gabe and Rachel saying their goodbyes in her office and head straight back to the bathroom and basically spew my ring up; by the time I have finished, I am sweating and shaking and Gabe is behind me, holding my hair back, as evidently I hadn’t locked the door behind me. I stand on shaky legs as Gabe helps; I wash my hands and rinse my mouth with water.
“Do you want to change the scan appointment? We can come back next week and get it done”