It’s late afternoon by the time we pull the car into the drive and despite the in depth conversations we have had over our extended lunch regarding my pregnancy, my head is still swimming, to say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement, I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack all of a sudden and can’t get out of the car quick enough, I need air.
“Let’s have a walk along the beach.” I suggest to Gabe as he climbs out of his side of the car, he’s looking at me with a frown.
“I wanted to go in and get naked; I need some skin on skin time with you baby.”
He comes around to my side of the car, wraps me in his arms and grinds his hips into me. “I need a walk Gabe, my head is spinning, I really need to try and calm myself down.”
I wrap my arms around his neck as he bends his knees so that we are eye to eye. “What are you worrying about now woman? You are going to make yourself ill, I thought we just spent the last two hours talking about all of this?”
His eyes wander all over my face, god, I hope our children are as beautiful as he is. Our children, we are going to have two children together, two babies, twins, we are having twins, and did I mention I’m forty-five?
He cups my face with his big strong hands and gently brushes his thumbs over my cheekbones. “Tell me Lauren, I can hear that overthinking brain of yours whirring from here, tell me what’s worrying you now.”
“Let’s walk and talk.”
He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head, then leads me by the hand and across the road to the beach. We spend the next ten minutes in total silence, walking with our shoes off, the icy cold water of Port Phillip Bay washing over our feet and the sounds, the sensations, the view and his presence all help to calm me down. Gabe leads me a few steps back from where the water can reach us and sits us down; he pulls me between his legs and presses my back into his chest.
“Talk to me Lauren, don’t shut me out like this, total honesty remember, we don’t lie to each other. Do you not want to be pregnant? Tell me the truth.”
I hate sitting like this, I’m not close enough to him so I turn around and straddle him, the beach is deserted so there’s no one to frown at us and even if there were, well they can go swivel, I’m comfy.
“If I’m being totally honest Gabe, I wouldn’t have chosen to be pregnant, not at my age, but it is what it is and the fact is that I am pregnant and we are having a baby. Babies and I, shit Gabe, what if something goes wrong because of my age? What if me being old causes them problems, the risk of downs syndrome and spina bifida is so much higher in women my age.” I was so determined not to cry and I think the shock has held the worst of my tears at bay for most of the day but now I just can’t stop them.
“Gabe, I don’t know what your thoughts are on abortion but I’m telling you now, if there is a chance of problems, if we have the tests done and something shows up, I will have no hesitation in ending this pregnancy and I’m so scared that’s not your view.”
There has never been any reason for Gabe and I to have a discussion on this topic and I have no idea what his views are. I admire anyone out there who goes ahead with a pregnancy, even after being told there are issues, but that would not be my choice and I am a strong advocate for choice and if Gabe doesn’t agree with my views on this, it could potentially be the end of us and that thought terrifies me! He holds my face again, looking right into my eyes.
“Whatever decisions need to be made, we make together, we will do all of this together and if that is your choice, then I will back you 100%. I spoke to Rachel earlier, before we knew we were having twins and she said that there is a test they can do after ten weeks for Downs Syndrome, that’s in just two weeks’ time and if any problems show, well then we will go from there but I’ve gotta say Lauren, I just know, I just have a feeling about this and everything is going to be just fine, trust me.”
I nod my head, He’s not a doctor so he can’t possibly know but I want to believe him so I nod my head anyway, and then another horrible thought hits me.
“Ohhh God.” I groan.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I am going to get so fat, I’m gonna look like the back of a bus, you are so paying for a tummy tuck after this Wilde and possibly even new tits.”
“You will not be getting fat, you will be getting more pregnant, you will be growing our babies in that little belly of yours and it will have to get bigger to give them the room they need to grow strong and fit and healthy, you will be perfect Lauren, beautifully pregnant and perfect and I couldn’t be any more stoked. Well, I could but there’s nothing I can do to change things so I can live with that.”
Ugly old insecure me makes an appearance and I move my head back and look at him with a frown. “What would you change?”