“I love you too.”
I smile to myself as I recall the conversation while walking around the supermarket later, I pick up a few essentials and head back to my car still wearing a stupid grin on my face, and walk straight into Jason. My stomach churns a few times, then drops to my toes, he speaks first.
“Lauren, how are you? You look a lot better than the last time I saw you, take it you’ve fully recovered from your accident.”
He doesn’t, he looks terrible. I smile the best I can, I actually feel a little sick and a whole lot guilty, have I done this to him? This whole situation is surreal, I’m standing at my local shopping centre, having an awkward conversation with a man I have shared half my life and two children with, but I barely recognise him, he’s lost so much weight, he almost looks gaunt, why didn’t Ryder tell me about this? I pull myself together and answer.
“I’m good thanks. Just the wrist to heel completely, then everything will be back as it was.”
I raise my arm and show him the cast around my lower arm and wrist. His eyes instantly land on my engagement ring. He reaches out and pulls my hand towards him and looks down at my fingers, he studies my ring for a few minutes before his eyes roam back up to my face. Eyes that I used to know so well, eyes that have seen each and every part of my body, eyes that have watched me walk up the aisle on my way to becoming his wife, that have seen me give birth to two children and eyes that have watched me cower on the floor, in fear of what he was going to do next to cause me pain, but they don’t look the same, I can’t see him in there, it’s almost a vacant look he gives me, like he’s looking through me, not at me.
“Nice ring. Is it an engagement ring? Did you get engaged?”
I smile nervously, what should I tell him? I’m standing right next to my car. He has to know sometime, I should just tell him and then get in my car and leave.
“Yeah. Yeah it is, we did, just this weekend.” I move towards my car and because it’s keyless, as soon as I’m close enough it unlocks.
“New car too Ren? A whole new life. You really have moved on.”
I put my bags on the passenger seat and close the door back up while trying to think of what to say; I really don’t want this to turn into a confrontation but, he’s still my husband, he was once my world.
“S’pose that number plate just about sums it up.”
I turn around and meet his gaze; he doesn’t look angry or confrontational. He looks sad, defeated, empty and I know that I shouldn’t but I feel sorry for him, I want to go to him and make it right for him, but doing that would just make everything else in my life so very wrong.
“Jase. Please… I’m sorry, I.”
“When’s the wedding? Do the boys know?”
Shit. I really do not want to be having this conversation. Especially not while standing in the middle of Woolies car park. I should have called him. Should I? Do I owe him that much. I know how I should feel, but I just. Shit, this is so confusing.
“Of course the boys know.”
I can’t mention that Ryder was part of our celebrations, that would just be spiteful and cause trouble and despite everything, I don’t want to hurt him. I look over his face, the face that used to light up my life, his brown eyes are looking at me longingly and I hate that there’s still a pull. Not sexually, I seem to be immune to other men’s sexiness these days. Apart from David Gandy and Henry Cavill of course, but that’s a given right? Other than those two, there’s not a man out there who holds my attention, makes my insides clench or inspires naughty thoughts. Not even for a second. Nobody other than Gabe, but there is still something there for Jason, even if it’s just the desire not to cause him pain.
“Well good luck with it all Lauren; I hope he makes you happy. We erm… We need to get together and sign some paper work, for the house, and I need you to come and have a sort through some stuff you still have at home. Clothes and some old photos and stuff, if you want them, that is. Is there any furniture or anything that you want? I’m moving into a two bedroomed unit so I won’t have room for everything. Just come round and take whatever you want to take. I don’t mind. Let me know and I can make sure I’m out or I can be there if you prefer whatever you want to do.”
I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve been so swept away with Gabe and our new life that I’ve not really taken into account that I’m in the middle of a divorce. That I have this whole other life that I still have to deal with, whether I want to or not.
“Well I have a bit of time on Friday, could I come round then?” Better to get this out of the way and done while Gabe’s away.
“Friday’s fine, what about the paper work. When do you want to deal with that?”