“I think you’re right. It’s getting late, we should probably count up the scores and go to bed.”
After counting and discovering that I had indeed won, but only by a margin of 50 points, we packed up the game and headed back to the corridor that led to the residence areas. Daniel held the door open for me and I passed through. We walked down the hallway in silence.
When we reached the door for the women’s residences, we stopped.
“Thanks for tonight,” Daniel told me. “I mean, I know it’s not exactly what either of us want, but it’s something, isn’t it?”
I felt a pang inside of me, like my heart had been ripped out. I wanted nothing more than to grab him, run with Daniel to my room, have him rip off my clothes and take me on my bed. But I knew none of that was possible. For one thing, security guards patrolled the residences to make sure members of the opposite sex didn’t enter.
“Yeah, it’s something,” I replied, trying to smile.
“Well... good night,” Daniel said.
“Good night,” I replied, turning and going into the hallway. I didn’t look back.
As soon as I was in my room I began to cry. I lay down on top of the covers of my bed and cried my heart out. I wanted Daniel so badly, and yet I knew I could never have him. I enjoyed spending time with him as a friend, but it was still so different. I didn’t want to be just friends. I wanted more than that. Yet I knew I couldn’t have it.
I hated feeling like this. I hated the conflicts between the life I had chosen for myself and the life I was living. I hated being happy, I hated the fact that I no longer felt guilt crushing me during every second of every day. And yet, I was happy. I liked Daniel. He was kind and he understood me.
I reminded myself that no matter what, it would end. Daniel would eventually leave, just as I knew Fiona was getting ready to leave. There was no way Daniel would stay here forever, the way I had planned on doing. He would go back to his life, maybe work as a sports reporter for a news station, or start coaching, or something. Either way, I wasn’t going to be in his life long term.
And the fact that I thought that far ahead about us absolutely terrified me.