“What do you mean?”
“I’m not a bad person. I cared for her. In fact, I stayed in touch with her through the pregnancy. She went looking for your father when she was close to having you, but he had moved on. I don’t think she ever told him. She said that she could do it on her own. I believed her. She was a strong woman.”
Everything was starting to come together, and the truth was finally within my grasp.
“Is my father Paul Sullivan?”
“Yes, I believe he is.”
My biological father was the handsome man I had met at Starbucks just an hour before. The beloved, award-winning, bestselling author. I looked up and could see that Jamie was just as shocked as I was. His eyes were huge, and then he looked at me curiously before smiling from ear to ear.
“Thank you, Mr. Morrison. I have to go. Good-bye.”
As soon as I ended the call, Jamie wrapped me up. “Oh my god, baby. Your dad is the Paul Sullivan.”
“But he doesn’t know. What if he doesn’t want me?”
“We just call him and tell him the story and see what he says. Now that I think about it, there was a resemblance. His ears stuck out just like yours,” he said, trying to lighten the mood.
“My ears don’t stick out, jerk.”
“They do, just a little. It’s actually pretty cute.” He picked up the phone and handed it to me. “Well . . . time to call Paul.”
“I can’t, Jamie—I’m scared.”
“You’ve been through a lot, baby. Come here.” He took me into his arms and held me while he spoke softly in my ear. “You’re one of the bravest people I know. You can do this. I know he’ll want you in his life. How could he not?” He gently pushed me away from him and looked down at me, bracing my shoulders. “You’re amazing.”
“Okay, I’ll do it.” Jamie handed me the phone. I dialed the number and waited with my stomach in knots for an answer. “Hello?”
“Hi Paul, it’s Kate. I have something to tell you . . .”
Page 17
* * *
The Situation
There are moments when clear images finally begin to emerge within the abstract painting of your life. For me, it was the moment I picked up the phone to call Paul. I saw myself in Chicago and Napa surrounded by Jamie, Beth, Jerry, and Dylan—the people who had been with me through my darkest hours—and I realized that all I ever wanted and yearned for was already within my grasp. I wanted a career I could feel passionate about. I had my novel. I wanted love and lust and everything that comes with it. I had Jamie. I wanted to fight hard, love hard, and live hard. But more than anything, I wanted a family to share my life with. I had that, too, even if they weren’t my blood. Everything I wanted already existed within my life. The death of my mother and Rose, my constant reinterpretations of my dream about Rose, and my relationship with Just Bob had paralyzed me in a place of fear and isolation. I had believed I was all I had and all I needed. It was easier that way. But Jamie was right. I was scared to live, to be happy, to take what I deserved.
Once my entire life was laid out for me during that critical moment of clarity, I was immediately grateful for all the traumatic and painful experiences. If I hadn’t lived in the fucking darkness, I never would have seen the light. Now I was finally facing that light, fearless, ready to walk into it and take my happiness.
“Paul . . . I think you might be my father. Actually, I know you are, and I wanted to tell you that if you’re open to it and comfortable, I’d like to get to know you.”
I could sense Paul’s emotion over the phone. “I was just going to call you, Kate.” His voice cracked. I was trembling and Jamie was watching me cautiously. “On my way back home after meeting you, it struck me that you had never heard about Samuel. There would have been no reason for your mother to hide him from you. I got this feeling . . . I thought about the timing and your age. You look just like your mom, you know, but there’s something in your smile that I see in my youngest daughter. Even more obvious, you, my dear, were blessed with the Sullivan ears.”
“My boyfriend said the same thing,” I said, laughing and crying at the same time. Jamie mouthed the word fiancé at me. I walked over and sat on his lap. He kissed my back and rubbed my shoulders while I continued talking to Paul. My father.
“When I got home, I told my wife, Elaine, that I had a feeling. I told her the story. She’s very excited to meet you.” There was a long pause. He cleared his throat and went on. “I am so sorry that I wasn’t in your life sooner, Kate, but I promise you, I will do everything I can to make up for lost time.”