See? No big deal.
A severe injury will likely require diagnostic testing, surgery, and multiple doctor visits. The good news: as a pro athlete, you get preferential treatment from the health care system. Your co-pay is only $10 ($50 if you play for the Arizona Cardinals). And you don’t have to wait to see the doctor. Know how, when you go to a doctor’s office, they make you wait for half an hour, then bring you into an exam room to talk to some assistant who you think is the doctor at first but isn’t, and then they make you wait another fucking half an hour after that? Then you gotta go all the way across town just to get a goddamn X-ray? Doesn’t happen when you’re an athlete. You get treated like an actual human being by doctors, and that’s quite refreshing.
After surgery, you’ll have to endure months and months of painful rehab, which usually involves you doing a complex series of stretches and exercises using either a big red latex band or a giant rubber ball. Either way, your hands will smell like tires for hours and hours afterward. Rehab will be presided over by a perky young female assistant trainer who looks fucking tremendous in a pair of Sevens. At first, you will find her insanely cute. But, as the weeks go on, you will begin to loathe her sunny mercilessness. You’ll also resent having to spend countless hours in the training room hooked up to heat pads and stim machines. Ever read the same issue of Outdoor magazine seventeen times over? You’ll learn.
Here are some common sports injuries you should be aware of.
TORN ANTERIOR CRUCIATE LIGAMENT (ACL) . The torn ACL is the granddaddy of all knee injuries. It signals an immediate end to your season. The good news is that advances in modern medicine have made ACL reconstruction a relative snap. You’ll almost certainly be ready to go for the beginning of the following season. After that, everyone will assume you’re exactly the same player you once were. Of course, you won’t be that player for another two years, if ever. But people will keep believing that a return to full speed is right around the corner, and teams will pay you as such. It’s kind of reassuring to know everyone is so dumb.
PULLED HAMSTRING. Preferred injury of pussies, the pulled hamstring is perhaps the most useful injury in all of sports. A simple “tweaking” is enough to get out of practice and head straight for the whirlpool. Be sure to pull up during wind sprints and clutch it in dramatic fashion! But beware. Come back from a pulled hamstring too early, and you may reinjure it for the rest of the year. Come back too late, and everyone will know you’re nursing it like a little bitch. A good guideline is two to three weeks. That gives you enough time to heal both your leg and your vagina.
SPRAINED ANKLE. A sprained ankle isn’t a very serious injury. But my God, have you ever rolled an ankle? Holy fuck, it hurts. Like someone sawed off your foot and then put an acetylene torch to it. Brutal.
TURF TOE. Turf toe occurs when the connective tissue between your foot and toe is severely hyperextended and / or torn. It can be a very serious injury. Unfortunately, because it goes by the name “turf toe,” people will think you’re a real Nancy for missing any time, because they assume all you did was stub the goddamn thing. Annoying.
GROIN PULL. Ever been the subject of a hackneyed joke and / or lame pun? Get ready. Apparently, injuring your inner thigh is exactly the same as having something bad happen to your cock and / or balls.
SEPARATED / DISLOCATED SHOULDER. This is when your arm pops out of the ball-and-socket joint that keeps the arm attached to the body. Now, this may sound excruciating, and it is. But if you get the hang of it, you’ll be able to wriggle out of straitjackets for money just like Riggs did in Lethal Weapon 2. So badass.
HERNIA. A hernia occurs when the lining that holds in your internal organs tears, causing your intestines to droop down into your scrotum. This can happen while lifting weights, straining while out of position, or listening to Tyra Banks speak.
CONCUSSION. A concussion is a bruising of the brain, often from taking a vicious hit. Bruising can vary, and diagnosing the degree of a concussion is very difficult. But the good thing is, you won’t remember any of that. In fact, you’ll probably be able to play the next week. Sure, ten years from now, the merest trace of sunlight will feel like a sharp knife to the temple, and you’ll have mood swings that rival those of a pregnant woman during labor. But it’s totally worth it to play in a handful of games you’ll have no future recollection of.
BROKEN NECK. You’re fucked. Hope you own a DVD of Murderball to cheer yourself up.
SHIN SPLINTS. What are you, a girl? Walk it off. Pussy.
Chapter 3
Hot Naked Men
Teammates / The Locker Room