You have a 1 in 2 chance of losing any given game. And you know what? There ain’t SHIT you can do about it.
Everything you wanted to know about the playoffs but were too much of a pussy to ask.
While losing is more common in professional athletics, most leagues make up for it by allowing a grotesquely unnecessary number of teams to qualify for playoff participation. Consider it your reward for having to endure all that losing during the course of the regular season. Once your team has ensured a final win-loss percentage of .461 or higher, you can safely break out the Riunite on ice and celebrate! You’re in, man! Congratulations!
If this is your initial playoff run, you’re bound to have some questions. Perhaps these are questions of a frequent and asked nature. Fear not. The following FAQ will divulge all.
Q: What’s a “magic number”?
A: That’s the number of games you needed to win (or have the team below you lose) during the last week or so of the season to make the playoffs. This was a bigger deal thirty years ago, when making the playoffs actually meant something.
Q: Hey, why does everything seem so much more intense in the playoffs?
A: Because everyone is now trying.
Q: Why is my game check so low?
A: Because now that the regular season is over, your entire salary has been covered. All leagues offer bonus playoff pay, but it’s a mere pittance compared to your regular season game check. Imagine working overtime at Wal-Mart and having your overtime pay be half your regular pay, instead of double it. And you’re forced to work even harder. It’s like that. (Note: This is Wal-Mart’s actual overtime policy.)
Q: It’s 12:31 a.m. eastern standard time on a Tuesday and we’re playing in New York. Why is it only the third inning?
A: Ah, yes. You’ll notice in the playoffs that your games start at a much later hour. Leagues do this to maximize prime-time advertising revenue. Never mind that, by around 1:00 a.m. or so, fans stop giving a shit about who wins and would just like the game to be over so they can go to bed. Playing games into the wee hours is what’s in the best interest of sponsors like Lextro Body Spray. There’s no better way to grow your game than that.
Q: Why is my coach sucking on his Primatene Mist inhaler so often?
A: Because if he loses, he’ll be fired. Or he’ll be kept on as a lame duck the following season and wish he had been fired, or at least run over by a mail truck.
Q: Are those Japanese broadcasters?
A: Indeed. Many international networks cover American sports during the playoffs. Play well enough here and you could become a mythical demigod in Japan, where they will then produce a twisted anime flick that depicts you as a seven-penised demon intent on destroying the world. Trust me: you’re the good guy. I don’t know why.
Q: We won our first game, but we have to play six more. Why?
A: Two of the major sports leagues, along with the NHL, have a “best of seven” series format. You must win four games against a single opponent in order to advance to the next round, and then the round after that, and then the round after that.
Q: How long does this take?
A: Fucking forever. But there is good reason for this. A five-game series, according to most league officials, is too short. There’s far too much of a chance that a lesser team will win a “fluky” series and advance. Playing best of seven makes the outcome far more predictable. Which is fun!
Q: Why is playing the Atlanta Braves so much easier now than it was in the regular season?
A: No one knows.
Q: What kind of champagne do they serve if we win it all?
A: Cook’s. Or Andre. Plus, there will be Appletiser for the dipshits who don’t drink. Either way, that champagne is strictly for spraying and not drinking.
Q: Can I dump Gatorade on my coach if we’re about to win? I can’t stand that asshole.
A: Absolutely. Make sure the cooler you use has real Gatorade in it, not water. Gatorade is sticky and needs at least two cycles in the wash to clean. And make sure the cooler has lots of ice in it. Ice hurts. You may even be able to brain your coach with the edge of the cooler and pass it off as an accident. Remember: you’ve earned the right to torture that dick. Don’t half-ass it.
Q: What happens if we win the championship?
A: When you win a championship, a meticulously planned sequence of events is set into motion. First, you are given a hat. And a T-shirt. You must put both on right away. I suggest putting the T-shirt on first. Trying to put on a shirt with a hat on is complicated and unnecessary. You may not break in the hat in any way, shape, or form. It must have a straight, idiotic brim, the kind a sixty-year-old Mites coach would maintain.