But there are some old-timers who do not believe statistics are at all indicative of player performance. TV analyst Joe Morgan once cast an all-star vote for Cristian Guzman because “he looked like a ballplayer,” even though Guzman was batting .001 (rounded up from .0006). People like Morgan believe that athletes have certain “intangibles” that cannot be measured by statistics. It’s only after you see the player play three times, Morgan argues, that you can then accurately measure his intangibles, even though intangibles by definition cannot be measured. Morgan has also gotten into many heated arguments regarding the legitimacy of the periodic table of elements. Not so clever, that Mr. Morgan.
So where does that leave you? What stats should you care about? And do they hopefully coincide with the success of my fantasy team (Britney’s Rehab Sponsors) next year? Fear not. I have sorted out the critical stats you need for your respective sport. Turn the page for a detailed chart.
This chart is strictly a guideline. Chances are, you will have incentive clauses in your contract that stipulate which statistical milestones will trigger a salary bonus. Keep note of them. After all, if management wants to give you an extra $500,000 for averaging twenty points a game, then it’s clear they don’t want you to pass the ball. Right?
Compound fractures aren’t as cool when they happen to you: injuries and a guide to your body.
Injuries are any athlete’s worst nightmare (a curved dagger to the rectum excepted). And it’s not the physical pain that’s the hard part. It’s the mental aspect of it. Once you get injured, your cocksure strut and bulletproof demeanor are temporarily, if not sometimes permanently, destroyed. Getting injured means facing the mortality of your career. But, more than that, an injury is a landmark event in life that signals the end of youth. You start out this life with a perfectly functioning body. As time goes on, injuries chip away at your bones, your ligaments, your muscles, and the rest. Once that happens, you can’t ever go back to the flawless, pristine body you once had, no matter how hard you rehab, no matter how well the surgery went. You may fully recover. But you get scars. You build up scar tissue inside. You lose cartilage. You change. Irrevocably. There’s a finality to getting injured. It means your body has begun a slow decaying process that cannot be undone. Ever.
BASEBALL STATS
IMPORTANTKIND OF IMPORTANTWORTHLESS
Home Runs RBIs At Bats (stupid)
Batting Average Runs (lame)
Stolen Bases Hits (borrrrrring)
Slugging Percentage (if only because having a high one makes you appear to be very strong and/or sluggy) Errors (forgotten a game later!)Doubles
Strikeouts (only if you’re a pitcher. If you’re a batter, by all means swing freely) Triples (little-known fact: no one over 5'7" has hit a triple since 1937)
ERA (this is the average amount of runs every 9 innings that are totally your fault) VORP (they don’t even tell you how they calculate this. What are you hiding, Baseball Prospectus?)
Wins (you don’t even have to pitch well to accumulate these!) ELO Adjusted (no clue)
Saves (or these!) PECOTA Rating (no idea. Ask the 47-year-old dipshit keeping score in the loge-level deck.)
Innings Pitched (or these! In fact, Innings Pitched is a shockingly important statistic. If you can pitch a large number of innings, regardless of quality, you’ll be saving the ball club from having to use all the good pitchers, which would wear them out. Good pitchers are not meant to be enjoyed. They must be preserved, like a wheel of exceptional Gouda.)
FOOTBALL STATS
IMPORTANTWORTHLESS
TDs (yeah, bitch!) Yards Per Attempt
Yards (especially in yardage-heavy fantasy leagues ... like mine!) Yards Per Rush
Sacks Yards Per Anything, Really
Interceptions Receptions
40 Time Tackles
Vertical Leap Game Time Blood-Alcohol Level
Number Of Times You Can Bench 225 Lbs. In One Minute
Number Of Pints Of Fresh Orange Juice You Can Squeeze By Hand
BASKETBALL STATS
IMPORTANTWORTHLESS
Points Everything Else
SOCCER STATS
IMPORTANT
Goals (likely zero)
Assists (likely zero)
Yellow And/Or Red Cards (this is the one soccer stat in which you can make some headway. Players who get carded frequently, like Wayne Rooney, often become national heroes for helping to make soccer games more eventful.)
Jesus, that was depressing. I need to go lie down.
When you go down with an injury, lots of questions will run through your mind. What just happened? How bad is it? Am I dead? I am not dead. Did I hear a snap? I definitely heard something snap. How long will I be out? Will I need surgery? Is morphine as awesome as I’ve been told? Does this mean my career is over? Will the team cut me? How long will rehab take? Will I ever get my initial burst back? Can we still afford the grand piano in the foyer? Can I still fuck? Am I a pussy if I stay on the ground much longer?
Relax. These questions are all perfectly normal. The important thing is to not panic. There’s a system in place when something like this happens. First off, the entire crowd will fall silent to watch you writhe in agony. Then, a team of doctors and trainers will come to your aid and ask you what hurts, and if it hurts when they give you an Indian burn in the affected area. Your head coach will come out, look at you, ask the doctor, “How’s he doin’?,” pat you on the shoulder, and then leave. Some of your teammates will form a small prayer circle. Then, you’ll be helped off the field, everyone will clap, and you’ll be forgotten for about a year or so.