“Let’s go see our son and get you back to the club.”
“I…I’m not going to the club, I…”
“You’re fucking what, Nicole?” I ask, my voice sounds as resigned and tired as I feel.
“I’m staying with Carrie and Dancer.”
I stare at her. I just stare. Yet another fucking decision made without me. Yet another motherfucking moment in which Nicole shows me I don’t factor into her world. Why do I keep fighting it?
“Fine. We’ll go see our son and then I’ll take you to Dance’s.”
“Carrie’s picking me up…”
“Of course she is. Tell me, is it fun, Mama?”
“What… what are you talking about?”
“Is it fun where you’re at? Cutting me up into little pieces and throwing me out with the garbage?”
Her face goes white, but I don’t ease up.
“Are you getting some of your own back? Is that what you’re doing? Cause, whatever this is, I hope you’re getting what you need from it. I get it. I hurt you. I wronged you, so you feel it gives you the right to get back at me. You want me out of your life, Nicole? Fine. You want to do this to us. What-the-fuck-ever. You can have it. I am fucking done. I’m going to see my son. I’m going to go have a fucking drink, maybe the fucking bottle, and I’ll leave you the fuck alone, like you seem to be wanting, so badly. So, have fun on your fucking high horse.”
I slam the door as I leave. I spend a few moments with Chase. When Nicole walks in, I don’t even look at her.
“I’ll be back tomorrow, C. Keep fighting,” I tell my son and then I leave. I don’t look back. Apparently, there’s nothing there for me anyway.
Chapter 30
Nicole
Do you ever wish you could have that one moment back? That one moment when, even if you were in the right, you have the feeling that your decision, your actions or inactions changed the course of your life and fear what might happen?
As Dragon walked out of the room, that feeling swamps me and robs my air. I lied. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to live without Dragon. I love him. He loves me. The trouble is, I don’t think we love in the same way. He didn’t say he was sorry. He put me through hell, and I’m convinced that’s a major reason I went into labor. Then he accuses me of doing something wrong with Skull, on the day of his funeral! In the back of the limo, on the way to the cemetery with gunfire everywhere! I’m owed a freaking apology somewhere in that. He should be down on his knees begging for forgiveness and kissing my feet. Not making me feel like total shit (which he did) and walking out on me.
So, instead of following my first instinct and running after him, I watch him leave. If he doesn’t try to make things truly right, there’s nothing I can do. The acknowledgment of that sours in my stomach. I can’t help it. I have more than just me to think about now; I have Dominic.
I didn’t name our baby Chasin Donovan like he thought. I named our child Dominic West. No middle name; it wasn’t needed. I want him to have the same exact initials as Dragon, and I wanted a strong name, that’s true. Still, Dominic was Frog’s real name and I thought Dragon would like to remember the name of a brother who gave everything for the club. It seemed fitting. Dragon despised the name Chasin when we were going through the book, so, I had the hospital put that name on the card in his room. It was stupid, childish, and immature and I feel like a bitch now, but when the hospital said they needed to send papers off to name our child, I was stuck. If Dragon knew I named his son after someone in the club he would view it as me giving in and I couldn’t let that happen. I’m weak. It’s taking all I have to hold Dragon off. If he really comes at me, I’m not sure I can resist. Still, I need to fix it.
“Your mommy is a silly, silly woman sometimes, Dom. I promise to try and do better. You’ll love your daddy. He’s a good man and he’ll always take care of you.”
I lay my head on the glass of my son’s incubator. I hate that word. My son is a human not an animal a farmer is trying to produce. I swallow as I see how small he is next to my hand. It doesn’t even seem like he could breathe being so small. You can still see small red lines on his body where his skin is so frail. His head has this dark black hair though. I am not sure what I expected, but that wasn’t it. His little features are so wrinkled and small, they’re hard to make out because of the wires he has to have monitoring him and the tube they have coming from his mouth. The nurse explained each one and its purpose, but honestly, it goes over my head at this point.
“It’d be nice if you would let Dragon hear you say that,” Bull says from the door. His large figure is draped in the yellow hospital gown and the gloves look too tight for his hands, and I can tell he’s upset with me.
“I know.”
“If you know, why did he look like he’d lost every hope he had in the world when I saw him leaving?”