“She’s a hell of a woman,” he says sitting down beside me and slapping me on the back.
“She sure as hell is. I fucked up bad, man.”
“Yeah, you did.”
“Thanks for sugar-coating it.”
“She’ll come around brother, that woman loves you deep.”
“She kind of acts like she hates me right now.”
“She probably does,” Bull returns.
“Jesus, you’re just full of rainbows and shit aren’t you?”
“That’s me.”
“I can’t lose them man,” I say in an almost whisper, voicing the biggest fear I’ve ever had in my life. This is worse than when Nicole was shot… much worse. This time our son is with her. This time she hates me. I need to make things right. I need the chance to show her how much I love her and our child.
“I’m going to go get us some of that shit they call coffee around here. Do you want some?” Bull asks.
I look at him, our eyes locking and see the resentment is gone from Bull.
“Black.”
“You got it, Pres.”
He must have given the others all clear because they slowly begin to fall back in. I barely look up. How long has it been now? Surely we should have heard something by now. Bull comes back in and hands me my coffee. I take a drink and have to fight to swallow it. It tastes like swamp piss. Another twenty or thirty minutes go by before the doctor finally shows up.
“Family of Nicole West?”
All of us stand up. It feels right. We are a family. It even feels good having Bull beside me. This is why I fight to keep the Savage MC together. This right here.
“Nicole and the baby came out of the surgery. The baby is in serious, but stable condition in the NICU. One of his lungs collapsed…”
“Fuck…,” I can’t stop the word that pops out.
“I’ll be honest, Mr. West, I thought we would lose him. Your son is strong however, and he is a fighter. He’s holding his own and we have the lung re-inflated. He actually appears farther along than tests showed, which means there’s more bone and muscle mass to work with. We just have to take it day by day.”
“And Nicole?” I ask, my heart feeling as if it is trying to jump out of my chest.
“She’s doing well. She should be out of recovery soon and you can see her. If you follow me I can take you to see your child.”
I nod and follow him out. He leads me down the hall and another small corridor and then to the private unit. I put on gloves and a gown that the nurse hands me and then I put a mask over my face. My son is in a square thick Plexiglas tank with circles on one side that are protected and covered by a black rubber-like material. He’s so small. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so small and he has so many wires and tubes running from him, it hurts to see. I can’t touch him. I can’t hold him. My hand would almost swallow him. Still, I hear the beating of his heart on one of the monitors and it sounds strong.
My son is a fighter.
Just like his dad, he’s a fighter.
Chapter 28
Nicole
I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. Everything in me is sore. Worse, I feel empty. After six months of having Little Dragon inside of me, not having him now feels wrong. Shit, I’m so tired of that word—wrong. That’s Dragon’s fault.
All of this is Dragon’s fault. He keeps trying to come in and see me. I haven’t let him. I know he’ll get tired of that soon and just barge in, but for now, I’m thankful he’s restraining himself. I haven’t even gotten to see my baby, yet. I got to stay awake through the cesarean, so I had a quick glimpse of him—which was good and bad. I thought we had lost him right away, and the terror that struck in my heart still echoes.
I’m told they will take me down to him sometime this evening. I always pictured giving birth and having Little Dragon placed upon my chest; dreamed of being the first one to hold him. I wanted that. Dragon took that away from me, too.
I hold my hand up and look at it. I had to take all my jewelry off for the surgery, and I haven’t put my engagement ring back on. I can’t bring myself to and at the same time my hand feels barren. I miss the feel and weight of it on my finger.
“Where’s your ring at, Mama?”
I close my eyes and sigh. I knew this was coming.
“Have you seen the baby?” How bad is it that I can’t even bring myself to call him our child. It doesn’t feel like I ever had Dragon as a partner. That sounds stupid, but it’s exactly what I am feeling.
“I just came from there. He’s still holding his own. The doctor said they were bringing you to him in a little while,” Dragon answers.
“Yeah, I only got to see him for a minute because of his lung,” I reply, staring out the window opposite of Dragon. I don’t want to see him right now. Seeing him hurts.
“Mama, we have to talk if we’re ever going to get past this.”
“Some things… you just can’t get past.”
“We can.”