Live Wire (Ramsey Security #2)

Still crying, I hate feeling so helpless. Vulnerability leads to misery, my mother often said.

"Sela had two boys and a baby girl," I nearly whisper. "Her husband worked odd jobs, and they were very poor. Before Sela, Elena went through many wet nurses. My mother was always harsh with women. She said they were inherently weak and disposable. Not her, of course, but all other women."

Focusing on Brad, I struggle to find the strength to force out the words. "When the time came for Elena to travel with me, she wanted Sela to come with us. Of course, she couldn't because she had small children. I don't know what Elena offered her, but Sela said no. Years later, Elena still remarked on how stubborn Sela could be. I often wondered if she only wanted Sela to work for her because she dared tell her no."

Looking at my hands, I notice that my fingers are long and thin like my mother's. I see too much of her in me. Most days, I write off those similarities as simple genetics. Now they bother me.

"Sela's family died of carbon monoxide poisoning from a faulty heater. Elena's murders weren't normally subtle, but their deaths felt like her anyway. Even when I was a child and heard how they died, I always suspected. My mother told me the secret to success was a willingness to do anything necessary. Elena wanted Sela to work for us, and her family conveniently died during one of her overnight stays at our house."

I don't dare look at Brad, as if he might hate me for Elena's sins. "Sela used to cry in her room a lot. For years, I heard her crying, and I told myself how love made her weak. I didn't want to feel such pain, so I wouldn't love anyone. Not even her. When she died, I realized maybe I'd loved her anyway."

"How did she die?"

"Elena killed her as a way to hurt me. She was jealous of me. I was young, and people spoke of me as the new Maven. Elena wanted me to take a nothing assignment, and I refused. We argued, and she said, 'disagreeing with me never leads to happy results. Just ask Sela.' Then she stabbed Sela and killed a woman she'd known for nearly two decades. I held Sela while she took her last breath. Watching her die, I didn't say anything, and she didn't say anything either. Even to the end, our relationship remained undefined."

Hugging my body, I feel cold even in the warm Texas morning. "Elena told me to clean up Sela's body and get ready for the job she wanted me to do. If she didn't underestimate women, I think she might have worried about turning her back on me."

I remember how my mother didn't die quickly. I shot her in the stomach and let her bleed out while I watched. She called me every nasty name in the book, but none of them changed her fate. The one thing she said that I remember most was, "I always knew it would end this way." A part of me had always known too.

"Even after Sela died and I killed Elena, I never thought to leave that life," I say, wiping tears from my cheek. "I didn't know what else there was for me to do. That's all I knew how to be."

Brad stands and walks to where I weep for all of the lost opportunities I passed up over the years. Decades of bottled up emotion overwhelms me.

I wish I'd told Sela what she meant to me. If I could return to the moment when Elena died and I was free, I might do so much differently. Why hadn't I considered walking away from being Little Maven?

Brad lifts me into his arms as effortlessly as if I'm a rag doll. I rest my cheek against his shoulder and let him be in charge. The world makes more sense when Brad holds me. With him, I'm grounded in a world full of possibilities rather than regrets.

"I love you," he says. "All of you, even the parts that scare me."

His words break me open, and I weep against his chest. I've never felt so alone even in the arms of the only person who truly accepts me. I want to be worthy of his love and trust. I need to become more, but I don't know how. All my life, I've been an extension of my mother. Even retired from that life, I'm not sure I can ever truly break free.

For Brad, I'll try to find my way though. For Brad, I'll do anything.





27


Saskia

Breaking Wide Open

Brad sleeps sprawled on his stomach, taking up most of the bed. I watch him for nearly an hour. Our size difference seems wrong most times, but I'm perfectly petite when sharing a bed with such a large bed-hog. Curled up next to him, I wonder if I can really keep this man and the sense of belonging he provides.