Live Wire (Ramsey Security #2)

"I'm not the person he'd like me to be, and changing isn't an option. We're not fighting, just giving each other space."

Ruth studies me for a long time and then nods. "He hasn't been with a woman in years. I don't know what he's thinking. I doubt he does either."

Ruth's words hit me hard, and I nearly blush at the thought of her attempting to soothe me. She wants me to give Brad time. She actually hopes he'll come around and give me a chance. Unaccustomed to a mother's approval, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with emotions my heart doesn't know how to process.

I'll wait for Brad, but I don't know if time is enough to fix what's broken between us.





24


Brad

Guy Time

Saskia remains in the kitchen with Mom for a long time. Twice, I think to return except I'm unsure how to deal with her. My feelings are all over the fucking place. I want her, but I don't know why. If I'm really falling in love with her, should I be okay with her torture speech?

I'm not okay with it though. When she talked about her work, I saw an ugly side of a woman I'd only worshipped until that point. How does she have so many faces? Are some of them real while other masks she wears to fool people? Is the real Saskia the one who smiles so warmly for me? Or is she the woman calmly explaining the best way to torture info from a human being?

I'm unsure how long I stand outside, bouncing the ball and staring blankly at the house. I catch sight of Lawrence walking out the backdoor. He approaches me carefully as if I'm a wild animal ready to pounce. I watch his tentative steps and wonder if Saskia gets this kind of charge from people fearing her.

Lawrence stands at the edge of the court and says, "New York went poorly, I hear."

"Yeah, but not the way you think. The wannabe killer didn't bother me much. I mean, he was there one second and dead the next. I didn't have much time to be bothered."

"You felt exposed anyway, I'm sure."

"I don't care about that," I grumble.

"Then what do you care about?"

Glancing towards the kitchen windows, I imagine Saskia helping Mom cook. Did Maven ever teach her daughter anything besides violence? Probably not. I nearly smile to think of Saskia enjoying motherly affection. Then I instantly wonder if she can even appreciate it.

"I'm falling for Saskia."

"And why is that a problem?" he asks before adding, "Does she not share your feelings?"

"I don't know if she feels anything at all," I say, immediately hit by guilt as soon as the words leave my mouth.

Lawrence gives me a minute before asking, "Why do you feel that way?"

Despite this man feeling like a member of the family, I never consider sharing Saskia's history with him. I guess I'm protective of her, and worry about what Lawrence might do with the knowledge of her criminal past.

"How can I tell the difference between lust and real feelings?" I ask, changing the subject.

"Lust is a real feeling."

"You know what I mean."

"I don't. By real, do you mean love?"

"Yeah, love."

"When you imagine being alone with Saskia, does your mind go to sex?"

Though I see us in bed, we're not having sex. I hold her in my arms while she studies me with her dark eyes before giving me a perfect smile.

"No," I mutter.

"You seem angry."

"I am angry. I know lust. When I was in Hollywood, I got dizzy from chasing so much tail. Those girls were hot and willing, and I wasn't looking for anything more than sex. I know lust."

"So it isn't lust with Saskia then."

"What if I can't feel more though?"

"Not every relationship leads to love."

"I fucking know that," I growl, stepping away from him.

"So explain to me why this one needs to lead to love?"

"It doesn't."

"Are you afraid of Saskia's reaction if you can't love her?"

"No."

"She's a complicated woman with a complicated past."

I frown at him. "How do you know that?"

"She killed a man in self defense a day earlier, and now she's cooking with Ruth. I'd assume for her to be so calm after a stressful event that she's likely lived a complicated life. Am I wrong?"

"No." I mutter, thinking of just how complicated Saskia's life has been.

"Was she upset after the shooting?"

"She was angry that I didn't hide like a little bitch while she took down the asshole."

"It's her job to protect you, so I can see her point."

"And I'm supposed to stand by while she's fighting an armed man?"

"Again, you hired her to do just that."

"Yeah, but she's my..."

Never losing his professional facade, he asks, "Girlfriend?"

"I guess."

"Is that why you two are on the outs? Is she still upset that you didn't hide like a bitch?"

"No."

"Why are you upset, Brad? Do you even know?"

Bouncing the ball again, I realize I don't know exactly why I'm angry. I mean I knew Saskia was a cold-blooded killer since day one. She never once seemed worried about either taking a life or a bullet.

"I love her," I say softly. "She brings something out in me. I feel different with her, and I don't want to lose that feeling."