Resting against him, I’m too confused to decide. Hawthorne feels safe, but Ford feels like mine.
“You have real friends here,” he murmurs in my ear. “Darby, Jenn, Lucky, Bebe, these people care about you. They see you as irreplaceable. You think anyone besides your little brothers feels that way about you in Hawthorne?”
“I’m scared here.”
“Because you see the evil here like you didn’t in Hawthorne. I know stuff about your hometown and it wasn’t safe either. I won’t lie and say you won’t run into another Creepy Spencer or that this place isn’t fucking nuts at times. I will say here you matter to people and I don’t think you do in Hawthorne.”
Turning around to face him, I frown. “When you said all the reasons to stay, you didn’t say anything about you.”
Ford sighs and steps back. “I don’t want you to think this talk is all about me getting what I want. We both know I don’t want you to leave. There’s more in Little Memphis than me.”
Studying him, I drop the walls and put my heart on the line.
“I’m in love with you,” I say and his expression hardens. “There’s a million reasons why I shouldn’t love you and I know your life is dangerous. I love you anyway.”
“You want me to say the words now, right?”
“Only if they’re real for you. Not if you’re just looking for me to stay. If you say them and don’t mean them, it’ll break my heart and I’ll hate you. So don’t say anything you don’t really feel. I’d rather you hurt me now when I have a tiny bit of protection than lying and making me believe a lie.”
Ford scratches at his beard and gives me a look like I’m busting his balls.
“What if I put my shit on the line and you bail?” he asks. “You’ve been ready to bolt to Hawthorne since we met. Every time shit goes wrong, you want to leave.”
“Don’t make me the asshole here, just because you’re scared to trust someone who isn’t Pax.”
Ford gives me a little grin. “If I trust you like I do him and you ditch me, I’ll hunt you down. I know that’s fucking psycho, but that’s what you’re unleashing if we drop the fantasy and make this real.”
“If you ever cheat on me, I’m trashing your precious Harley. Sure, that’s psycho, but I’ll do it.”
Ford caresses my cold cheek. “I always figured I’d cheat if I had a girlfriend, but you’re the only pussy I want.”
Rolling my eyes, I walk to the Harley. “Your crossroads analogy was entertaining and I know you’re right that running back to Hawthorne is a chickenshit move. The plan with my mom will work, so thank you for that. With that said, I admitted I love you and you’re talking about my pussy. I’d rather you just say nothing.”
Ford exhales hard, again pretending he’s the victim of my woman’s drama. He joins me at the Harley and strokes my lower lip.
“I love you. You know I do,” he says softly. “Everyone fucking knows. It’s one of those poorly kept secrets in Little Memphis that everyone is whispering about.”
Ford shoves his hands into his hair and glances down one of the empty roads. “I don’t know when it happened. I can’t even remember not feeling this way, so maybe I loved you right away or maybe I just can’t think of you without feeling that way. I don’t know. Love isn’t my deal. I don’t even know if I love my mom. There’s just you, Pax, and the damn dog.”
Smiling, I grip at his jacket. “I’m in good company.”
“The fantasy felt good, Shay,” he says, looking me in the eyes. “I don’t know why we have to let go of it.”
“Because it’s a lie. When I was fighting that asshole, I didn’t think of my brothers. The only person I wanted to see was you. The fantasy was bullshit after that and I want real. Loving you is real.”
Ford gives me a little smile. “I’m keeping you then?”
“Is that really a question?”
“I’ve been chasing you or waiting for you to run since the beginning. I want to know you’re mine.”
“If I run, what will you do?”
“Chase you,” he says, leaning his forehead against mine. “Catch you and make you stay. I guess, I answered my question.”
“I’m still afraid,” I whisper. “That’s normal, right?”
“Afraid of what happened with Creepy or afraid of what’s happening with me?”
“I’ve never been even a tiny bit afraid of you,” I lie.
Ford grins. “Do you have ice in your veins, darling?”
“Please, kiss me before I start crying.”
His lips on mine immediately, I breathe him in. My arms wrap around Ford, his arms around me. We go from two people to a single person, existing as one.
Ford ends the kiss before returning for another. After a few false starts, he pulls away just enough to stare into my eyes. He wants to say something, but holds back.