Sighing, I imagine his handsome face. “I love him so much, but he won’t let me say the words. He’s everything I want and I know I could learn to be strong for him. Ford cares about me, but I don’t if he’ll ever let himself feel more. Ford can’t have that kind of weakness in his life.”
Pausing, I smile at Lula’s laughter as she catches a leaf. “Jenn says she can find me another guy. Says I could date dozens and find someone new. I know logically what Ford and I share is only a few weeks out of my life. My heart doesn’t give a shit. Ford made me his. I belong to him. I don’t know what the hell to do.”
“Leaving makes sense. Logic doesn’t mean S H I T. I used logic with Howie, thinking I was special because of he bought me stuff and said nice things. My heart felt nothing for him and my gut sensed he was a nasty F U C K E R. My head talked me into trusting him. That’s why dumb girls shouldn’t listen to their heads.”
We share a smile and I know she’s right. I’m the kind of girl who can talk herself into anything. Logic says my home is in Hawthorne. Logic says Little Memphis offers me more. Logic isn’t my friend, but my heart isn’t much help either.
My brothers or Ford. Who do I choose and who do I abandon?
Later, Ford picks me up from the house. We ride in the dark towards his house and I think about how much this man means to me. The feel of Ford’s leather jacket against my cheek is perfection. His strong heart beating is the sound of home. Yet I can see myself returning to Hawthorne.
“Close your eyes,” Ford says over his shoulder while we’re at a light, “and keep them closed until I tell you otherwise.”
This bizarre request from anyone else would make me hesitate. With Ford, I close my eyes and trust in him.
We ride for a short while more then the Harley does circles in a small area. I don’t open my eyes even though I’m nervous now. Inhaling Ford’s spicy scent, I think about how much I’ll miss him. I also wonder how long it’ll be before he no longer misses me.
Ford stops the Harley and the engine cuts off. I wait for him to tell me I can open my eyes. A moment passes where the only sounds are strangled cricket chirps. The cold keeps them from singing. I’m not enjoying the chill either.
“Open your eyes.”
Ford climbs off the Harley and I follow him. We’re parked in an intersection in the middle of nowhere. The night is pitch dark except for the Harley’s headlight.
“Do you know where we are?”
“My resting place?”
Ford cups my cheek and smiles. “This is a crossroads, darling. It’s called an analogy. I learned about it in high school.”
“What’s the point though?”
Ford shoves his hands into his pockets and loses his smile.
“One road will take you back to town and the other direction will take you to the next town. The other road will take you to two versions of nowhere. Out here, you can’t see which way is which. In fact, you’ll ride for a while before you know if you’ve taken the right road.”
“Continue,” I say, imitating him by shoving my cold hands into my pockets.
“You’re at a crossroads. You can go back to Hawthorne. You can probably get your job back and support your family again. You can make things the way they were with your mom and brothers. Maybe you’ll be happy. Maybe you won’t. No way to be sure.”
Ford glances up at the starless night. “Or you can stay here where you made friends and have a decent job. You can move your brothers to Little Memphis and build something here, but there are no guarantees things won’t turn to shit.”
Ford focuses his gaze on me. “I know from what you’ve told me that you lost nothing coming here besides your brothers. You didn’t have any friends worth mentioning. You said you didn’t like stripping except for the money. What are you really running back for besides your brothers who you can move here?”
“My mom won’t leave her man. Even if I promised she could sit on her ass all day and I’d take care of everything, she won’t come.”
“I’m not talking about bringing her, just your brothers.”
Ford walks around behind me and presses his body against mine.
“You tell Mom that you know she needs a break,” he says in a soft, seductive voice. “She was so young when she had you. The boys need so much attention. She never has any time for her man, so why not let you take the boys for a while. Tell her the schools where you live are nice. They can finish out the year then stay the summer. Let her have a break and get her life together. She can enjoy being without kids for the first time in twenty years.”
I lean back at him and imagine saying the words to my mother.
“What about when she wants them back?”
“I bet you anything she never does. Oh, she’ll keep saying how in a few months she’ll send for them, but the time will never come. You just tell your brothers the truth and tell your mom what she wants to hear. It’s what I did with my mom.”