“I know the project was due at 4:00 P.M. and it is now 7:00 P.M. For that I am sorry and no excuse is valid.”
CALL YOURSELF OUT
If you didn’t hand in the project on time, ask yourself why, before someone else does. You should know yourself best, so why wait until someone else calls you out to scramble to find the answer? Before you answer to your boss, answer to your inner Bawse. You should want to identify the cause of your mistake so that you can understand how to prevent it, not because your supervisor is going to need an explanation. And when you give yourself a reason for why you made a mistake, be real and honest. I say this because sometimes we use the best defense mechanisms against ourselves. For example, you might tell yourself you didn’t do the project because you didn’t have enough time. That might be true. But what did you do instead? Did you go to a party? Did you hang out with a boyfriend? Did you binge-watch Orange Is the New Black? If you’re nodding your head, then that’s the real reason you didn’t hand in your project. You didn’t prioritize your work. When you make mistakes, call yourself out honestly. Honesty is the new black.
“MISTAKES DON’T EXIST JUST TO MAKE US FEEL BAD ABOUT OURSELVES; THEY ARE OPPORTUNITIES THAT WE SHOULD NOT IGNORE OR SHY AWAY FROM.
FIND SOLUTIONS
Mistakes are valuable only if you discover how to prevent them from happening again. If your next three projects are all late, then you didn’t really learn much from your mistake, did you? Once you honestly identify the cause of your mistake, come up with a solution. If the reason is that you didn’t have enough time, then make a schedule that gives you enough time. Create a reward system that allows you to go to a party only if you finish x amount of work. You cannot keep doing the same thing and expect different results. That’s the definition of insanity. You need to find solutions, and not just fairy-tale solutions like “try harder” but real solutions like “cancel my monthly subscription.” Snap! Ish just got real!
COMMUNICATE
Once you learn how to take ownership, call yourself out honestly, and find solutions, you can learn to apologize efficiently, in a meaningful way. No mistake is too big or too small to apologize for, and no ego should be too big to make that apology. The biggest mistake you can make is thinking an apology doesn’t matter. An apology indicates that you care and, to be blunt, that you’re a responsible adult—not a six-year-old child. So whether you did something small, like forget to respond to an email, or something much larger, like hurt a friend, take the time to deliver an honest apology and explain how you’ll prevent your mistake from happening again in the future.
WACK APOLOGY:
I’m sorry. Next time I won’t ask Carl to remind me about the project. When he forgets it’s frustrating for everyone.
Nah, you can do better than that. Stop being wacksauce.
BAWSE APOLOGY:
“I’m sorry my project is late. I take complete ownership for the delay. I’ve already come up with ways to ensure I get things done on time in the future. You can expect better.”
All right, Carl. You’re off the hook.
Whether receiving an award or admitting to a mistake, a Bawse will stand up tall because they understand that both contribute toward growth and progress. When you have the guts to make mistakes, great things happen. And when you have the integrity to take ownership of those mistakes, the people around you will take notice. So eff up, empower your inner referee, call yourself out, and move one step closer to success.
SOMETIMES I’M MIDWAY through my day and I discover I have a stain on my shirt. And by “sometimes” I mean daily, because I’m an animal. So what do I do? I cover it with a jacket or decorative pin. Problem solved. Similarly, when I have a pimple (also almost daily), I cover it with concealer. When I spill my drink on the carpet and the stain won’t go away, I buy a new plant and conveniently place it on top. It works out great until I spill my drink four more times and my living room looks like something out of Jumanji.
For most slip-ups in life, it’s easy to find solutions that simply cover up the problem. But when it comes to your professional, personal, and behavioral problems, a cover-up won’t cut it. You need to go beyond blanket solutions and get to the root of the problem. You should know yourself so well that it would be easy to draw an IKEA instruction manual for yourself (yes, I said “IKEA instruction manual” and “easy” in the same sentence. There’s a first time for everything). Part of conquering your mind (see the chapter Conquer Your Thoughts) and knowing yourself is sending the GPS deep and addressing your inner issues.
When it comes to understanding our behavior and why we do the things we do, I believe each of us has a minimum of three layers. Surprise, you’re a tiramisu! The top layer consists of how we explain ourselves and our actions to other people. This is the easiest layer of the tiramisu to digest because it’s light and fluffy and makes the dessert look pretty. The middle layer consists of how we explain our actions to ourselves. This layer is a bit heavier and deeper, and oftentimes you can’t see it from the outside because it’s just below the whipped cream. Finally, we reach the bottom layer, which consists of the deeply rooted reasons we actually behave the way we do. This layer is the hardest to find because it’s buried deep within your tiramisu and so you have to push aside all the other layers to discover it. It doesn’t always taste the best and it’s definitely not the prettiest, but it’s the foundation of the entire dessert.
Now that I’ve made you hungry and you want to take a bite of your own arm, let me show you what I mean with an example from my own life.
BEHAVIOR:
I tell everyone that I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.
LAYER 1: WHAT I TELL OTHER PEOPLE
I’m too busy hustling and sipping that #Lemonade that Beyoncé served. I don’t need a man. snaps fingers
LAYER 2: WHAT I TELL MYSELF
I love my career way too much and don’t have time to waste on a relationship. That type of commitment would hold me back from achieving my dreams. I don’t want to be tied down.
LAYER 3: THE ACTUAL REASON
I don’t know how to have a successful relationship while pursuing my dreams, and so when I sense a potential relationship, I run away. I’m scared a relationship will negatively impact me, regardless of who it’s with.
Discovering layer three has helped me take the first step toward having healthier relationships. After digging deeper and analyzing my childhood, I discovered that my desire to be single isn’t because I love Beyoncé and enjoy independence. I mean, sure, those are factors, but they aren’t the real reasons. The real reason is that I’m scared of relationships.
Remember when I said that I believe we all have a MINIMUM of three layers? That’s because oftentimes there is a deeper, hidden fourth layer that can only be discovered over time. As we grow older, experience new things, and are introduced to new ideas, layers start to melt away and a deeper understanding of ourselves is revealed.
LAYER 4: DOWN TO THE INGREDIENTS OF THE TIRAMISU
I was never exposed to healthy relationships growing up and so I don’t believe they actually exist. I think relationships bring out the worst in people, no matter what.
I rarely give my relationships a fighting chance, and the discovery of layer four really helped me understand why. Sending the GPS deep allowed me to recognize my own irrational thought processes and take active steps toward working on them. It’s also important to note that it’s completely normal to have irrational, deep-rooted thoughts. You shouldn’t feel bad or embarrassed about the lessons you were exposed to growing up. We’re all a little crazy and messed up in our own special way licks glue.
Here is another example from my personal life:
BEHAVIOR:
I surround myself with colors and positive quotes.