MY MOM ONCE TOLD ME, “The more details people know about you, the weaker you become.” These words of wisdom came between “What did I do to deserve these crazy children?” and “You still haven’t put music on my iPod.” And I’ve come to learn that she was right. At first I thought she was being cynical. In my mind, her words translated as “Don’t trust anyone.” But over time, I learned there is a difference between trusting people and allowing yourself to be too vulnerable. Sometimes it is nice and necessary to feel a little vulnerable in relationships, but I don’t believe anyone should know everything about you. As long as you’re self-aware, it’s okay to keep some of your strengths and weaknesses a secret.
Now, hold on! Do you hear that? It’s the sound of people getting ready to defend their relationships. Please stop. I don’t have a bartender serving me unlimited cosmos to sit through this right now. (Also, why don’t I? Note to self: hire bartender.) A healthy relationship, of any kind, doesn’t require telling someone every single detail about yourself. Hear me out.
It was another wise mother, like my own, who showed me how powerful the use of selective secrecy can be: Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, first of her name, breaker of chains, and Woman Crush Wednesday of millions. Now, if you’ve never watched Game of Thrones, first of all, you should be absolutely ashamed of your ridiculous priorities thus far in life, and second of all, if you plan to start watching it, skip ahead a little bit because—
SPOILER ALERT! You’ve been warned.
—everyone dies.
Just kidding.
But am I?
As I’m writing this, season 6 just came to an end, so let’s focus on what’s happened thus far, and hopefully by the time this book comes out, I won’t be eating my words. (Apparently it takes more than a few days to publish a book. WEIRD.) In short, everything seems to be working in favor of Daenerys. She has a large army, a loyal following, three dragons (yes, that’s a thing), and great hair. She’s on her way to conquer the Seven Kingdoms (basically, the world), and there is very little standing in her way. In fact, I often hear fans talk about how “lucky” Daenerys is because solutions just seem to fall into her lap. It is at this point that I stop the entire conversation, turn off the lights, start up my PowerPoint presentation, and thoroughly explain why Daenerys isn’t lucky—she’s just super-smart and understands the power of being secretive.
(It would be great if you could also turn off the lights and read this with a lamp for dramatic effect. I’ll wait …)
…
…
SEASON 1, EPISODE 1! We are first introduced to Daenerys in a scene where her brother speaks down to her in a disrespectful manner and she says nothing to defend herself. She just listens to him obediently and therefore leaves the viewer to assume she is weak, impressionable, and easily taken advantage of. Before this emotional scene ends, something very important yet very minor happens. In fact, it’s so minor that my fellow Game of Thrones fanatic friend didn’t even realize it happened until I gave my imaginary PowerPoint presentation. So what happens? She takes a bath! AHHHH, right?! But not just any bath! The water is very clearly steaming hot. In fact, as she enters the tub we hear her servant say, “My lady, the water is too hot,” but Daenerys still enters without hesitation. And … scene.
Are you still with me? I promise this is going somewhere.
Fast-forward a few episodes, and in true Game of Thrones fashion, things have escalated quickly. Daenerys’s evil brother is killed by molten metal right before her eyes. She watches intently as her brother is burned to death, but her only comment is, “He was no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon.” And … scene.
Stay with me!
For her wedding, Daenerys is gifted with three dragon eggs. These are merely decorative, ancient items, or so it seems. We see Daenerys staring at the eggs while also holding them near a fire. All right, cool. Another moment where Daenerys is in her own world, staring into fire like a lunatic, right? Wrong. The scene ends with her passing the eggs back to her servant … except the servant’s hands instinctively recoil because the eggs are too hot. She’s unable to hold them without getting burned (unlike Daenerys).
So, what’s my point?
Daenerys didn’t obtain some dragon power one day by luck. She knew she had dragon blood within her all along, but she never told anyone until she could capitalize on that power. While she was being forced into marriage, beaten, and disrespected, she held on to the knowledge that she was the mighty Mother of Dragons. Daenerys kept her strengths and powers a secret from everyone, including her brother and husband, until it was the perfect moment for her to make her move. Had she disclosed her powers from the beginning, her brother might have tried killing her, people might have tried kidnapping her, and she probably wouldn’t have been gifted with dragon eggs (that’d be like giving Thor a hammer and expecting him not to use it). Daenerys knew her own power and kept it a secret so that she could deploy that power as effectively as possible. And she uses this strategy repeatedly to get what she wants.
Long story short, if you’re selectively secretive, you might become a queen, have dragons, and get to sleep with a very sexy man named Khal Drogo who rides a horse.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Your life isn’t Game of Thrones and your skill set might not include being the Mother of Dragons (though being really good at Pokémon Go is still pretty cool). Trust me, I get it. At least once a week I get pissed that I don’t have dragons. Nor am I suggesting that tolerating abuse is necessary to succeed. What I’m saying is you must think of yourself as a powerful fort. That’s how you should view your mind, body, and spirit. You should know all the entrances and secret passageways of your fort, aka your strengths, weaknesses, fears, etc. Feel free to welcome people into your fort for banquets or balls or whatever other fancy party you might have. But the more you tell people about your fort, the more information you reveal about the secret passageways, the weaker your fort becomes and the easier it is for people to attack you. The lesson being: don’t give away all your secrets or reveal all your vulnerabilities. Don’t trick yourself into believing that you are obligated to share everything with everyone. It’s up to you to decide what to reveal and when.
Wow. I guess you were right, Mom. About this, and about me not putting music on your iPod.
I’ll do it later. Promise.
SOMEONE SMART ONCE SAID, “Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.” To be honest, I don’t know who said it, so let’s just pretend I am that smart person. I said it. Yay me!
(It was actually said by Robert G. Allen, bestselling author, but whatever!)
Being uncomfortable is usually considered a bad thing. When you think of the word “discomfort,” you might think of, say, a crowded elevator full of sweaty people, or you might picture a creepy guy who keeps smirking at you from across the room. Or maybe you’re watching TV with your parents and Nicki Minaj’s music video for “Anaconda” starts playing. Uncomfortable! (Also, why is there a gym in the jungle?)