Learning how to conquer my show took hard work. Taking my show to the next level meant knowing my choreography better than ever before, being absolutely fluent with my stand-up material, and fine-tuning my ability to improv for a specific audience and culture. All that meant more rehearsal, more creativity, and more sacrifices when it came to leisure activities. It meant not celebrating after a show in order to get extra sleep. It meant overcoming nerves and fear to make sure confidence and passion were the only things I felt before I stepped onto that stage.
Having said all that, life can be really tough sometimes. Maybe you’re forced to enter survival mode because you have financial problems. Maybe you’re limited by your physical or mental health. It’s hard to think about conquering life when you’re trying to overcome an illness and struggling to pay the bills. Realistically, we all have to go into survival mode sometimes because our life circumstances demand it. And that’s okay. But too often I feel we stay in this mindset instead of taking control of our life and enjoying it. There is a switch within all of us that we can flick from SURVIVE to CONQUER. Even though we need to survive sometimes, we shouldn’t get too comfortable in our life jackets.
Don’t just try to pass your classes; try to ace them. Don’t just aim to pay your bills; save enough to travel. I don’t want you to write a script just to see a movie get made; I want you to win an Oscar. That’s the difference between settling like a survivor and conquering like a Bawse.
So if you’re drowning, keep your life jacket on and fight. But once you’re able to swim, don’t convince yourself you forgot how to. Take your life jacket off, front-crawl your way to the shore, walk off that beach, and set your GPS to the top of a hill, because you WILL conquer the climb.
If you’re going to do it, do it the best you possibly can.
BEING IN LOVE is exciting. We get that tingly feeling in our toes and we have someone to text goodnight. We want the people we love to be happy and we truly wish the best for them. When they succeed we feel proud of them, and when they struggle we want to help them. We’re even willing to buy a completely new shirt that is one shade brighter than the one we currently have, so that we can be weird lover twins in exact matching outfits. Ruby red and cherry red are very different when you’re in love, okay?
Romantic comedies, lovey-dovey novels, and the majority of love songs have all gotten us used to the idea that our love is meant for other people. We even have specific days dedicated to loving specific people: anniversaries are for lovers, Mother’s Day is for mothers, Father’s Day is for fathers, and Valentine’s Day is for florists. But love shouldn’t just be reserved for other people. First and foremost, you must learn to love yourself. It’s only when you love yourself that you can truly love others. When you don’t love yourself, you will project your insecurities and internal issues onto others, preventing you from ever genuinely seeing them for who they are. In addition, if you don’t love yourself, you’re probably not the happiest version of yourself, and thus you’re unable to love someone to the best of your ability.
You might be wondering, “Okay, honestly, does loving yourself really relate to being a Bawse?” And my response is, “It relates so much that they’re basically first cousins.” Loving yourself means you care about yourself. And someone who is well taken care of is more likely to be happy, healthy, and productive. Loving yourself means wanting to make yourself proud. Loving yourself means consoling yourself and encouraging yourself when you face failure, which you inevitably will. And most importantly, loving yourself means that you advocate for yourself, ensuring that you’re treated the way a Bawse should be treated.
I didn’t always love myself. I had to fall in love with myself, and it was a really awkward first date. There I was, depressed and wanting to end my life, unmotivated, and scared. When you’re all alone, not by force but by choice, because you don’t feel any desire to be around anyone, the only person you have to rely on is yourself. I don’t know what caused me to do it, nor do I know how I convinced myself to, but on one of my worst nights, I started to hug myself. I felt so sorry for myself and for how I was feeling. I could almost see myself as a character in a movie, and my natural reaction was to wrap my arms around myself. After all, that’s what you do when you see someone who’s sad, right? I hugged myself to sleep and survived the night.
Over the next few weeks, I kept taking myself out on dates, and I began to grow to like myself. I wasn’t a sad, pathetic loser after all. I realized there might actually be some depth and spark within me. I began talking to myself a lot more often and I thought about myself spontaneously throughout the day. I even knew what color my eyes are.
What finally got me out of my depression was learning what loving myself really meant. I didn’t understand I deserved to be happy. I thought I was meant to be sad, and so I remained sad. But that’s not how you treat someone you love. You’re not okay when they’re sad. You work hard to make them happy. Once I started doing that, I started to rebuild my life.
Overcoming my depression introduced me to the concept of loving myself, but it was during a relapse that I truly learned how to love myself. For anyone who’s suffered from depression, you know it’s not something that ever completely goes away. There will be moments, days, and even weeks where you relapse and feel like you’re back at square one. When I experienced these episodes, I had to treat myself with extra love and care. I didn’t want to go back to a place of depression, so I became my own best friend. I did this in a few ways:
I WASN’T SO HARD ON MYSELF. I would reassure myself that a relapse didn’t mean I was weak or unworthy or that I deserved to be sad. It was simply a bad feeling that would pass.
I ENCOURAGED MYSELF, sometimes even out loud. I would tell myself that I was strong and that no bad day could ruin all the beautiful things going on in life.
I WAS PATIENT WITH MYSELF and understood that if I needed to feel sad for a while, that was okay. Whether I was sad or happy or scared, I was there for myself, hugging myself, and being proud of whatever emotion I felt.
I don’t often relapse these days (#blessed), but regardless, I’m still completely in love with myself and consider myself my own best friend. Even now, when I’m having a bad day, I will talk to myself with empathy. I’ll say things like, “All right, today was rough and you’re feeling crappy. But you made it through and that’s good on you. Give yourself a hug and make tomorrow a better day.” When I achieve things I’m proud of, I literally pat myself on the back and say, “I am so damn proud of you, Lilly!” That may sound weird, but it shouldn’t. When you love someone, you communicate with them openly.
When we’re dealing with difficult situations we tend to think about how our actions will affect others. If I make this decision, how will my mom feel? How will my husband feel? How will it affect my brother? Will anyone be mad? It’s great to consider other people’s feelings, but don’t forget that you’re also a person who deserves to be considered. It’s essential for you to stop and think about how something makes YOU feel. Then you can make a decision based on EVERYONE you love. That’s the difference between being selfish and loving yourself.
I used to be so scared to spend time alone. Now I love being by myself sometimes. Like any other relationship, the one you have with yourself takes time and effort. Don’t bully yourself into thinking you don’t deserve to be loved. That’s ridiculous! You should walk up to a mirror and serenade yourself right now. May I suggest Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love”? Because that’s how you should feel about your reflection.
“LIKE ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP, THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF TAKES TIME AND EFFORT.
You will not work hard for yourself if you don’t love yourself. You will not fulfill your dreams if you dislike the person who dreamed them. If you want to be a Bawse, give yourself a hug and mean it.
Write a Love Song
List five things you love about yourself. And don’t be superficial—no hair, eyes, or legs BS! Get real with yourself.