“I love you.” She whispered, standing on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.
“I love you too, Ma.” I replied gruffly, pulling away from her because I didn’t like how out of control I was feeling. I walked her to the door, my head all over the place trying to process that my mother had never spent a single dime I had given her, she kept in touch with Adrianna long after her and I were over, all her words drowning me, making me desperate for solitude to sort it all out.
“Think about what I’ve said,” my mother pleaded. “All of it,” she added.
I gave her a slight nod as I leaned against the door and watched her walk away. After a few moments of staring at nothing, I walked inside and closed the door. I threw myself on top of my couch, leaned over propping my elbows on my knees, and buried my face in my hands.
I wanted nothing more than to give the two women in my life what they desired. I wanted to be the man they needed me to be but what they didn’t understand was it was too late for me to do that. If I could erase the past, wipe away my flaws and have a clean slate I’d jump at the chance. It just didn’t work that way, there was no escaping the mob. At least not alive anyway.
It’s not as if I hadn’t tried before. I stood up to Victor, told him I would not abide by his orders anymore, and all it got me was on a slick road to peril.
*****
I glanced over at Adrianna sitting in the passenger seat of my truck hysterically crying and reached over the console, placing my hand on her knee. I gave her a gentle squeeze, and she lifted her tear stained face to mine.
“It will be all right baby, I promise you,” I reaffirmed. It didn’t matter that Victor had just threatened to kill me or that he demanded Adrianna have an abortion, none of that shit was going to happen, not on my fucking watch. I’d kill the motherfucker before he fucked with my family, and that’s exactly what we were – a family. Adrianna wasn’t just his anymore, she was mine, and so was the baby she was carrying. It wasn’t about me avenging Val’s death or living for Vic’s next order. It was about me being here to take care of my responsibilities.
“How?” She asked, sounding completely hopeless. “Tell me how it will ever be all right!” She shouted. “He will not stop until he destroys us Anthony, you know he won’t. Do you really think he’s just going to lay back and let you dictate to him how shit will go?” Tears streamed uncontrollably down her beautiful face, ripping my heart out of my chest with each one. “My father’s been a crazed man since Val died, he’s been seeking revenge for years, and when he’s this close to finally getting it, it all falls apart because of you and me. There is no way he will let that happen!”
She was right. Vic was out of his mind trying to get revenge on Val’s death, his guilt driving his quest, haunting him every step of the way until he finally found a way to avenge the death of his underboss. A part of me has believed that these last couple of years every order, every mark, has been to train me for this specific order. He has put everything into me being the capable soldier that kills the man who ordered the hit on Val. Did I really think I would be able to stand my ground and tell Vic where the fuck to shove his plan of revenge? The bastard would kill me before he let this shit slip through his fingers.
I didn’t know what the fuck to do. How can I go along with this shit and leave Adrianna, not see my kid be born, not be a man who provides for his family? I couldn’t do that. Hell, I don’t even know what will happen to Adrianna when I’m in the can. Maybe if I told Vic I’d do the job as long as he leaves Adrianna alone, allow her to have the baby, be there for her in my absence, you know, strike a deal with the devil. It made sense in my head, trade my life and my freedom for Adrianna and our child.
“Anthony watch out!” Adrianna shrieked, interrupting my thoughts forcing me to turn straight ahead and stare at the tractor-trailer headed straight for us.
“Fuck!” I yelled, grabbing the steering wheel with one hand, slamming my foot on the brake, and stretching my other hand across Adrianna as her screams echoed inside the car.
*****
I lifted my face from my hands, angrily wiping away the tear that fell from the corner of my eye. I needed to get out of here; I needed to drown my fucking sorrows in something. I rose from the couch, walked into the kitchen and grabbed my keys glancing at the bankbook my mother left. The money she saved for me to change my life, the blood money of Vic’s enemies throughout the years. I left it on the counter, wishing there was a way out, knowing that bank account was just as pointless as her and Adrianna’s pleas for me to change my ways.
Chapter Six: June 2005