“You forget I didn’t have a choice,” I replied, my voice sounding every bit aggravated.
“For the love of God, take responsibility for your mistakes. I raised you better than that Anthony,” she paused, shaking her head slightly. “You had every opportunity in the world to make a better life for yourself, to make better choices. In the end you belittled yourself and became a street thug,” she said, barely audible, softening the sharp edges of her words.
I swallowed as I continued to stare at her blankly. I didn’t have a rebuttal, all I had was the truth of my mother’s words stabbing me.
“When you were a little boy I used to look at you with so much hope. You were so bright and had such a personality. You always brought a smile to my face and often I thought this boy of mine would change the world.”
I rolled my eyes wondering if she really believed that I could change the world.
“Don’t do that,” she said, wagging a finger at me. “You could’ve been anything you wanted to be. I would look at you at night after I tucked you into bed and think maybe he’ll be a lawyer, a doctor, or even a soldier. You were infatuated with war movies when you were five years old and as much as that scared the daylights out of me, I thought how proud I would be that my son was courageous enough, honorable enough, to defend his country,” she smiled, sadly. “It didn’t matter what you wanted to be, you could’ve been an athlete, hell, you could’ve been a sanitation worker, and I would’ve been proud of you.”
I turned my head, focusing on the wall; I couldn’t look at my mother and see the disappointment reflected in her eyes. It was just too much, too harsh a reminder that I was no better than my old man was. Both of us letting her down.
“Anthony look at me,” her voice sounded like a plea as she took a few steps towards me before lifting her hand and gently turning my face so I was looking at her. “I couldn’t come and visit you. I couldn’t stand to see you locked up like a caged animal.”
I bit the inside of my cheek piercing her with a cold stare. “You couldn’t stand the sight of me but you didn’t mind the money I sent you. Lauren’s tuition is paid for isn’t it? At least one of your kids will make you proud.” I said viciously, brushing by her to walk into the kitchen and get my beer. I knew my words would cut her like a knife but I had no other defense against my mother. She never accepted charity, never wanted a goddamn handout in her life but still I left an envelope every Friday on her kitchen table. I had given her that money whole-heartedly hoping it would lessen the heavy weight she carried on her shoulders.
I threw my head back and guzzled down my beer expecting that by the time I was done, my mother would be halfway out the door. I slammed the empty bottle on the counter, bracing my hands on the edge as I heard her enter the kitchen behind me. I took a deep breath before turning back around to face her. Why wouldn’t she just leave?
She grabbed my hand turning it over so my palm lay flat and slapped something inside of it. I lifted my eyes to meet hers.
“What’s this?” I asked questioningly.
“That…” she nodded to my hand, “is the bankbook to the account that holds every dollar you have tried to give me.” She huffed, blowing out a breath, composing herself, then continued. “I never took a dollar for myself or for your sister. Lauren is in college on her own good merits.”
“That money was for the both of you, ma,” I yelled in frustration.
“I lost my son to every single dollar of that money,” she cried, tears falling down her cheeks. “I didn’t know how to help you then but I can help you now. Take the money Anthony and make a better life for yourself, let the crimes you’ve committed and the ones you didn’t but still ended up paying for, be a thing of the past,” she sobbed while wiping at her cheeks. “You’ve got a second chance to get it right; don’t be foolish.”
I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat, my mother’s words ringing in my ears as I watched her plead with me to do the right thing.
“I have to go,” she announced, clearing her throat. “I promised Adrianna I’d visit to see her baby.”
“You spoke to Adrianna?” I asked hoarsely.
“That girl has had breakfast with me every Saturday morning since you went away so when she didn’t show up at my doorstep I called her. She told me you were there for the birth,” she said pointedly, stepping towards me placing her hand on my cheek. “You broke her heart, it’s only fair you make it whole again.”
She patted my cheek gently before taking me by surprise and pulling me into her arms and holding me tight.