“You’re not listening, I’m not going to jail,” Anthony cut in.
“No that’s where you’re wrong. You can’t just retract your statement after confessing. You’ve signed a deal, a binding contract that says you will do time in a federal penitentiary. What do you think they will do, sweep the case under the rug? No!, I’ve put too much time and money into this operation, you’re fucking going to do as you’re ordered.” He turned around to face me, fixing me with a hard look. “The both of you are.”
*****
“I love this little boy more than anything,” my father announced, settling his soft gaze on me and bringing me back to the moment. “Thank you Adrianna, for making me a grandpa.” His voice is laced with emotion and for a moment I almost believe that he’s sincere.
March 14, 2010
Dear Anthony,
I am sorry it’s taken me so long to write to you. I don’t have an explanation as to why I waited, maybe writing this first letter was admitting to myself that you really were gone and we really are over. It’s a harsh reality, one I’m not ready to succumb to just yet. I keep thinking about us and how happy we were in the beginning, telling myself it wasn’t fake, that you really did love me. You did love me didn’t you? People tell me it’s easy to tell someone you love them; that they are just words, but I swear it was so much more. I was the one on the receiving end of your love. I saw the way you looked at me, I felt it down in my soul so that can’t be a lie.
I realize my head is my worst enemy, one minute the memories rush through my mind like a movie and the next I’m analyzing everything, doubting it all, and trying to make sense of it at the same time. I know it doesn’t make sense, but that’s the best way I can describe what’s going on in my head.
I wish to God things would’ve gone differently for us. I wonder if we would’ve had a chance if my father was the one to skip out and not yours. I blame him. I blame him for me loving you then losing you. I blame him for tainting you the way he’s tainted the rest of us and most of all, I blame him for the baby. Anthony, I blame him for everything.
Aside from writing you to let you know I’m thinking of you and you’re not alone, I’m also writing to apologize to you. I shouldn’t have turned you away and shut you out. I said some really cruel things, things you didn’t deserve all because I was hurting, but that isn’t an excuse. I didn’t have a right to tear you down the way I did. Especially when you were hurting just as much. We both lost the baby, but I let my grief of losing the baby and knowing I was about to lose you too consume me. I’m sorry. I know they are just two words but know I mean them with my whole heart. I’m sorry for the way I acted. I’m sorry for the way I blamed you. I’m sorry for your loss and most of all I’m sorry I never said goodbye to you.
I know you are reading this apology and you get where I’m coming from because you are the only person who knows the pain I felt at the time. We are the only two people who share a gaping hole in our hearts, where the pain of losing a child lingers. I didn’t know then, but I do now and I hope you can forgive my selfishness. I’ll always regret we never mourned our loss together – I think it would’ve helped the both of us.
I think about our baby all the time. I wonder what he or she would’ve looked like. I think it would’ve been a girl. I dream at night a lot and in my dreams we have a daughter and she completely has you wrapped around her finger. She’s beautiful, Anthony. She has all our good parts; the best of me and the best of you. I pray to her at night, asking her to look out for her daddy, that she gives you the strength you need to overcome this and turn your life around.
I don’t know why you never thought you were good enough for anything other than the mob. I wish you would’ve seen all I saw in you. You were so much better than this life, you still are, but you need to see for yourself. Maybe our guardian angel can lead you to that discovery.
I love you Anthony. I always will no matter what happens. The love I feel for you isn’t something that can be erased, or something that will fade in time. It’s just something that will live even long after we both have passed. It’s that kind of love, a love that has a life of its own.
I hope you’re okay. Stay out of trouble and when you feel alone, remember I’m thinking of you.
Love Always,
Adrianna
Your Reese’s Pieces
Chapter Five: 2013