My brows furrowed as I listened to the words coming from her mouth, trying to make sense of what she was saying.
“What are you talking about?” I asked softly, tucking the loose strands of her hair behind her ears.
She glanced down, losing her will to explain what she was trying to say.
“A?” I probed, lifting her chin with my index finger so that our eyes met.
“Anthony, I’m pregnant,” she whispered.
*****
The memories suffocated me as I stepped outside the hospital and greedily took a deep breath. I hadn’t been home forty-eight hours and already I was wishing I were back in prison rotting away. At least there I wouldn’t have the constant reminder of everything I lost staring me in the face. I closed my eyes for a moment trying to escape her, but like every other time I closed my eyes all I saw was Adrianna. If I had any balls I’d put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger just to escape the misery I created for myself.
Chapter Four: 2013
I stared in sheer amazement at my beautiful baby boy swaddled and tucked safely against my breast. There was a time, not too long ago, I thought I’d never know the blessing of being a mother. I suppose that was the pessimistic side of me. After losing mine and Anthony’s baby I put it in my head that this moment would never happen. I’d never experience the joy of being a mother. It wasn’t like the doctors told me I’d have trouble getting pregnant after the miscarriage, or that I’d never carry a baby. It was my head telling me I was only destined for heartache. My little Luca was nothing short of a miracle in my eyes, it didn’t matter I was a single mother. He was the greatest thing to ever happen to me and I was so very grateful.
Even though I was basking in the glory of my son’s birth I couldn’t ignore the ache in my chest that still lingered over the loss of my first pregnancy. I don’t think the pain will ever go away and I’m sure the resentment I harbored from losing her wouldn’t either. I don’t know if she would’ve been a girl but in my dreams she is, maybe it’s my subconscious picturing Anthony with a daughter. There would have been nothing more beautiful than watching him with a little girl.
Except watching as he held my son for the first time, that might be the most beautiful moment I’ve ever witnessed in my life. It was a moment so tenderly carved into the chambers of my heart. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Anthony shared the birth of my son with me. Isn’t it funny how things just sort of work themselves out? The person I was five years ago or even three years ago, before Anthony left me, would have said it was fate. But I am not that girl anymore, the one who used to believe in fate and destiny. Not after my destiny was ripped from me.
I suppose I shouldn’t dwell on the past, if things hadn’t gone the way they had then I wouldn’t be holding this perfect baby in my arms. At least that’s what I have to tell myself now. It’s not just me fighting to move on with my life, I have to fight for this baby now too. I can’t fall apart or relive my past only for my world to shatter again. There is another life depending on me and I am all he has.
Some might say my taste in men is poor, at least my father would, the hypocritical bastard he is. My father is too much of a self-centered, egotistical animal to admit it, but he has no business judging Anthony nor Vinny, Luca’s dad. You see Anthony was just a misguided guy when I met him. He had good intentions, always did, but he was lost, and troubled. His dad left him, his mom and his sister at a very tender age. An age when a boy needs his dad to guide him on the path to being a man. The sad part is Anthony had so much potential to be a number of things. He could’ve taken so many different paths than the one he ultimately chose. I wish he could’ve seen what I saw in him all those years ago. I wish he could’ve seen how beautiful and big his heart is instead of always fighting against it.