What is it with these damn men and their ability to see right the hell through me? He’s hit the nail right on the head, and I’m silently freaking the hell out. If he can see past my mask right into my deepest hurts, then I’m sure Beck can, too.
“My father used to slap me around. My mother wasn’t as bad, but she was still bad. I’ve had a few boyfriends. All used me and left when they got what they wanted. Some more bad relationships and friendships with men scattered here and there. My track record with female friends isn’t much better. Izzy and Greg are the first real friendships that I’ve ever had in my life. Ever. I don’t trust easily. I don’t really even believe that I could love someone. The last time I felt what I thought was true happiness and love is when Izzy met Brandon.” I continue to move my food around, trying to find the right words. I’m not even really sure what it is about this man that has me opening up, but now that I’ve started, I’m not sure I can stop. We’ve known each other just as long as I’ve known Beck, but there is something about him that makes me feel like he could take my secrets on and lock them tight.
“Izzy’s story isn’t pretty, Maddox. It’s about as bad as you can imagine, and a little worse than that. When she met Brandon, he was a great guy. Hell, I was actually for the first time in my life, rooting for someone to get their happily ever after. But, just like all the other men that have come into my life, his true colors came out. I can’t even remember how long they had been married before it happened. Small things, so insignificant that you only could catch on if you really know the person. I missed the signs. Izzy sure as hell missed the signs.” I stop what I’m doing and look him dead in the eyes. I want him to feel what I’m about to tell him. I have a feeling that is the only way I will gain an ally.
“They hadn’t been married long, maybe a year or two. I was working late, trying to get some last minute stuff done so I could take the following week off. I’m not even sure what I was doing. Anyway, I was alone in the office when I heard something fall in the backroom. I know what you’re thinking. Stupid little female taking off to check on the bump in the night. Oh, how stupid I was. I had just enough time to turn my head before I caught the first slap. He didn’t hit to leave marks; he just hit to hurt enough to get his point across. Ten minutes of hell, absolute hell. That was the day that I realized there really weren’t any good men left. My best friend’s husband beat the shit out of me for ten long minutes. I counted. Do you know how many seconds are in ten minutes? Six hundred. The last thing he said to me before he gave me one more kick in the ribs was to stay away from Izzy, or he would kill her. And you know what? I believed he would do it, so I left my friend alone with that monster.”
When I finish, I drop my fork, jumping when it makes a loud clatter against the plate and table before falling onto the floor with a loud bang. I’ve never told a soul that story. Now that the words actually left my lips, I want to grab them, shove them back in, and pretend that this conversation, as one-sided as it is, never happened. The only sliver of relief I feel right now is that I didn’t tell him everything.
“You’ve had a lot of shit in your life.” Well, leave it to Maddox to break it down like that.
“Yeah.” I laugh a little at the assessment of my life story.
“You going to continue to let that control your future?”
My head shoots up from where I’ve been picking apart a napkin, and once again, I find my mouth wide open.
“Uh . . .”
“You going to let the ghosts of assholes past ruin your chance at something good?” His brow goes up in question and immediately, I think of Beck. His handsome face and those eyes I love so much filter through my mind. The way he looks at me as if I’m the last woman on earth.
With a deep sigh, I nod my head.
“Right. You let them win then. Push away a good man, but when all this shit blows up in your face, I’m going to remind you of this conversation. No man in this world is worth the pain you have on your shoulders. There is also no way I believe that you aren’t able to love. Seen you with Izzy, seen you with Greg, and I’ve seen you with Beck. You’re wrong, Dee.”
“I have to protect myself, Maddox. I can’t . . . I don’t, I don’t know how to let go.”
He reaches over and grabs my hand. His huge palm covers it whole. He gives me a gentle squeeze, and for the first time since I’ve known him, I see something close to regret in his eyes. “Just because you let someone in doesn’t mean you have to stop protecting yourself. It just means you have someone to share the job with.”
We sit there in silence for a little while longer before he pays the bill and then head back over to the hospital. There really isn’t much more to say, at least on my end. Right before we hit the entrance to the hospital, Maddox asks me to stop.
“Can already tell you’re going to run. Promise me, you need to talk, you’ll find me?”