The last few days have left me feeling worn down. I keep thinking of Sabine dying scared and in pain. My brain won't let me remember her the way she was before she disappeared. I've become my own worst enemy.
Every time I get lost in the painful thoughts, Pax and Tallulah bring me back. We play games or go for walks even on our first snow day. When Tallulah goes down for the night, Pax teaches me how to play his hardcore videogames.
I enjoy shooting bad guys. Even worse, I'm quite proud of myself when I succeed at stealing meth. Such bizarre accomplishments, but the game distracts me.
Pax knows other ways to make me think of only him. We explore each other until I can draw a map of his every sensitive spot. I even figure out how to make him come faster during a blowjob. The guy is officially my bitch.
To be fair, Pax turns me into a drooling mess every night. After all those years of thinking I was sexually defective, I can't believe how much I come. Thanks to Pax, I'm a sex goddess loving every caress.
While pain lingers around the edges of my thoughts, coping with losing Sabine becomes easier. I'm blessed with too many joys to be miserable every moment. The upcoming holidays put me in a far livelier mood. I also believe Pax and Ginger will get Sabine revenge.
Vengeance isn't on his mind when we head to dinner. Pax loves steakhouses, thinking they're a perfect slice of America. The guy loves America.
"In no other country could a rude idiot like me do so well in life," he says with a knowing nod.
Tonight, we're at Texas Roadhouse. Like most dinners out now, Tallulah sits next to Pax in the booth. Watching them, I wish he were her real father. What the two of them lack in blood though, they make up with an ease between them.
"You ever crack open a peanut shell?" he asks Tallulah.
Of course, she hasn't. On the table are two buckets. One is full of shelled peanuts while the other is for the trash. After cracking open the shell, Pax shows Tallulah the peanuts inside. She picks out one and pops it in her mouth. Her huge smile tells me she thinks he's amazing. Pax clearly loves her reaction because he proceeds to instruct Tallulah in the proper peanut shell cracking technique.
"Don't worry about the mess," he says. "We'll leave the waitress a nice tip."
Tallulah opens a shell under the watchful eye of Pax then hands me a peanut. She's so proud of herself that I nearly cry at the look on her face. Her life is so good right now. Sure, Tallulah loves having a home and a pet, but mostly she loves Pax.
"I remember when Joker got married for the second time," Pax says, cracking another shell and handing me a peanut. "I thought he was nuts to do it once, let alone again. What kind of man wants to settle down when he doesn't have to? I figured it was just a baby-making scheme. He got an old lady to pop them out while he played on the side."
"You're so romantic," I tease, opening my mouth so Tallulah can lean across the table and give me a peanut.
"Yeah, I mighta been dumb about that, but I get it now. Having a great woman and a great kid," he says, bumping a giddy Tallulah, who will likely crap peanuts for weeks now, "to come home to feels good."
"I'm glad," I say, tossing a peanut at his open mouth and missing. "Sorry. I nearly failed gym."
Pax grins in a smartass way. "I bet you filled out the gym uniform though."
"Oh, yeah, and I didn't wear a sports bra, so there was a lot of unnecessary bouncing."
Laughing, Pax caresses my leg between his under the table. He opens his mouth for Tallulah, who carefully drops the peanut inside.
"I think she worries she inherited my athletic skills."
Still smiling, Pax keeps cracking shells. "Loving you is easy, Bebe."
Surprised by the tenderness in his tone and words, I only stare at him. He finally stops fidgeting with the shells and focuses on me.
"You're too good for a jackass like me, but you're stuck with me now, and you know it."
"Yeah, I know it."
"I won't let you go," he says with more a serious tone. "I can't walk away from this now. I tried and it hurt me in here."
Pax taps at his chest then glances at Tallulah. "I never had a family except for Ford. I had some people like Marcy who tried, but I never really let them in. I never trusted anyone like I did my brother. Life was easier for me with not trusting, you know?"
Nodding, I've seen the way the brothers hold themselves away from others. Not with Shay though. Now, not with Tallulah and me either. I even noticed them opening up with the club guys like Lucky and Joker. They want to belong but haven't learned how.
"I love you," I say because I can't think of anything else.
His blue eyes bright, Pax grins. "I knew you were the one when I pissed you off at dinner and you came back and still joked around with me. I admit I didn't really want you to be the one. I got scared of having all this on me. A woman and a kid is a lot for a lazy fuck like me, but I can't let you two go now."
"Good."