"So, when exactly were you going to tell me?" Sarah asks the minute she rounds the hall corner.
I stumble for a minute when I realize she has obviously already heard. But I can’t deal with it right now. My thoughts are still firing in a million different directions.
"Not now, Sarah," I say over my shoulder as I stride to my office.
"No. Fuck you, Leo. It’s right fucking now or never," she demands in the bitchiest tone I have ever heard from her, but when I glance up, her eyes are filled with tears.
"What do you want me to say here?" I ask in a surprisingly calm voice even to my own ears.
"The truth, Leo. How about, for once in our entire fucking relationship, you give me the entire goddamn truth." She throws her arms out to the sides in frustration.
Maybe she’s right. What the hell can it hurt at this point? This might actually be the perfect time to unload it all. I’m just numb enough to not care how much it’s going to hurt when she leaves.
"I’ve got a kid. She’s five and her mother just died from a drug overdose."
Sarah’s mouth drops open. So maybe she didn’t know all of it.
"Tomorrow morning, I have to fly to Texas to keep her from entering foster care. I’m all she has left, yet my mind is screaming at deafening levels that she’s better off without me. Sure, I can put a roof over her head and food in her stomach, but that is fucking it. I have nothing else to offer a kid. Every fucking day, I struggle to keep my own head straight. Now, I’m supposed to drag an innocent child along in that journey? I can’t do it, but I’m not sure I have any other choice." My words become increasingly louder as the absolute truth flies from my mouth.
"What the fuck?" she breathes from behind her hands.
"Exactly!" I laugh humorlessly. "My thoughts exactly!" I breeze past her and head for the security room. I want nothing more than to hold Sarah as the tears flow from her eyes, but I don’t have even an ounce of myself left to give another human being right now.
I round the corner into the office only to find Erica crying on the TV screen. Her red-rimmed eyes flash to mine, and it’s painfully obviously that she heard the great revelation as well.
Fuck.
"I don’t have time for a lecture, babe." I move to the computer to sever the connection, but Johnson swats my hand away before I have the chance.
"Don’t you fucking dare. Clear the goddamn air once and for all," he growls just as Sarah appears in the doorway. Her tears have dried, but I can tell she’s even more livid than before.
I lock my fingers and rest them on my head while feeling the mounting pressure from the three sets of eyes I would easily classify as those of my family. Only tonight, they are all shooting daggers at me. If my life weren’t crumbling under my feet, I might pause to laugh.
"For fuck’s sake. Can you people give me just a fucking second to form a coherent thought?"
"No. I can’t. You’ve had months to figure out how to tell me this story. I’m done waiting," Sarah says from the doorway. "Start talking or I’m gone."
I pinch the bridge of my nose and look up to see Slate standing behind Erica, holding baby Adam. I guess it’s now or never.
"I met Amy my senior year in college. We spent five years together, and I had these grand plans of proposing. I was already part of the DEA and progressing quickly. Everything was perfect until she popped up pregnant."
I take in a deep breath, finally turning to face Sarah. I don’t owe this story to anyone but her.
"Initially, I was ecstatic about the idea of starting a family with her. There wasn’t a baby in the world that would have been more welcome. That is until I found out that Amy had been cheating on me with my best friend, Max. They had apparently been seeing each other for close to a year. It happened mostly while I was away training, but sometimes right under my nose. I showed Max the engagement ring I had bought and he spilled it all. Everything right down to the fact that the baby she was carrying was his. To say I was devastated would be the understatement of the century. I lost the woman I loved, my best friend, and what I thought was my future child all in the same day.
"Amy tried to stop by and talk to me, but the only thing that came out of it was her confirming that the baby was Max’s. I called her a whore, and Max and I ended the day brawling on my front lawn. It was a really fucking bad time for me. That was the first time in my life I ever struggled with depression. I called out of work and went dark for a few days. The pain was agonizing.