A future that I hope to God will be filled with Lee.
“I wouldn’t want to be stuck to him with chewy bubblegum, but yes, sweets, I would very much love to be stuck with him.”
“Like that time my arms got stuck in my swim wings? When you couldn’t get them off?”
My smile grew as some of those nerves let go of their strong hold. “Something like that, little bird.”
“Will Leelee come over for tea parties now?”
“Yeah, baby, I think so.”
“Will Leelee make you smile all the time?”
Oh. My. God.
“You make me smile all the time.”
Her head tilts and she smiles a smile that is so small you almost can’t tell it’s there. It’s a sad smile. One that I know—and hate—that I’ve put on her face.
“Not all the time. You don’t smile all the time.”
“Oh, baby. Come here.”
She makes quick work of pulling out from the table and into my lap. I wrap my arms around her and hold her as tight as she’s holding me.
“Mommy was sad for a long time, little bird. I’m so sorry for that. For not smiling all the time. I missed your daddy a lot and for a long time my missing him was too hard to smile.”
“You smile a lot now,” she mumbles into my chest.
“Yeah, sweets, I do.”
“Does that mean you don’t miss Daddy?”
I tighten my embrace before moving my hands under her arms and moving her body so that she can see my eyes.
“No, honey. I miss your daddy a lot and I always will, but the way I miss him is different than it was then. When he went to heaven, I missed him so much that all I could see was how much I missed him. I got lost for a while, baby, and I couldn’t remember the way. You gave me my smiles, smiles so bright that you helped me light up the way then and you still do, but for a long time all I could see was your smiles but not the way they wanted me to go. Those smiles made me happy even though I missed your daddy and because I missed your daddy so much, I thought a lot of sad things for a long time. But, now Mommy can see again. I can see my way that I had lost for a little while and, little bird, it’s a beautiful path, so full of beautiful flowers, rainbows, and blue skies forever and ever. Now I can hold your hand and we can run through the flowers together. But, even while we run we can still miss Daddy. We just miss him in a different way.”
“That sounds nice, Mommy.”
“Yeah, honey, really nice.”
“Will Leelee be with us when we run through flowers?”
My smile grows and I look into her very hopeful gaze and with a lightness I haven’t ever felt in all of my years, I tell her, “Yes, Molly. He’s going to come and run with us through the flowers and we’re going to chew bubblegum and be stuck forever.”
Her eyes light up and her face is the picture of joy.
“And we can have lots and lots of tea parties and makeupovers when we run in the flowers!”
After our talk, she went back to her snack and talked about Lee all afternoon. I let her know that he would be over for dinner later and I didn’t think she would ever come down from that high.
Which brings us to now. My daughter, so full of eagerness over the night, that even with her favorite show on television, her eyes are glued to the hallway that leads to the front door.
I look at the clock, for the hundredth time in seconds, just as the front door thumps and the bell echoes through the house.
Molly’s head snaps up and with wide, happy, eyes whispers, “He’s here,” before scampering off my lap, elbowing me—twice—in the ribs, and running as fast as her little legs will take her to the door.
“Molly, don’t open that door until I’m there!” I yell, coming off the couch quickly.
“Too late,” I hear and my nerves flutter like a million butterflies in my gut, rooting me in place.
“Mommy! Mommy! Leelee is here . . . and, and . . . and HE HAS FLOWERS!”
A head to toe tingle starts taking over my body. My lips curve and I move forward with the largest beaming grin on my face.
I walk forward and around the wall that separates the living room from the front door and stop dead at the sight that meets me.
Lee is holding my daughter in his strong arms while her face—bright with the happiness she is feeling—is stuffed into a small bundle of light pink roses. I look from her with wonderment to Lee’s arm that isn’t holding her tight to see another bundle—this one much larger—of more roses.
I don’t move.